'AITA for calling out my BF for throwing his late wife a "birthday party"? It's RIDICULOUS.' UPDATED

"AITA for calling out My Boyfriend’s Obsession with His Late Wife and dismissing her 'birthday party' as 'RIDICULOUS'?"

I’m sorry if you’ve seen this before. My post kept getting deleted due to some reason so I am posting here again. I'm Kathy, 35, dating Tony, a 38-year-old widower with three kids for almost a year. I sensed Tony was still very attached to his late wife, Laura, and our relationship took a backseat. It became clear after six months but bit my tongue. When Laura's birthday arrived, I decided to speak up.

Tony invited me, his family, and former in-laws. I joined, unaware of how awkward it would be. The house was filled with Laura's favorite things: purple decor, her beloved food, snacks, and music. An empty chair at the head of the table held a large photo of Laura, making it feel like she was still with us.

After dinner, they all gathered around the table to share fond memories of Laura. It went on and on as each person praised her. Worst of all, there were several comments about Laura being "one of a kind," "second to none," and "irreplaceable." They all sang "Happy Birthday" to Laura as they gathered around the cake.

Then, they went outside to release balloons, sending their birthday wishes to her in Heaven. I felt humiliated and small, left and cried all night. All I could think about was how much I cared for Tony and how much love he held for another woman. It stung knowing he'd never love me as intensely.

The next morning, Tony called, saying the party was great and he was glad I could make it. But his words made me feel like just another guest, not the woman he was in a relationship with. He invited me for dinner after work.

I agreed but realized it was time to discuss him moving on from Laura and focusing on our relationship. When I arrived at his messy house, he apologized for not having food and suggested we clean up the party mess and reheat leftovers later.

Inwardly, I was fuming. Once again, I was getting someone's "left-overs" and I was sick to death of it. I seethed silently as I cleaned up. Finally, when I sat with Tony, he hardly helped, leaving me to do most of the cleaning. After a long day of work, I was exhausted, angry, hungry, and on the verge of exploding.

"Kath, if you don't mind, why don't you throw some food in the microwave, will you? Let's relax a while. It's been a long day. I lost it and let out all my bottled-up frustrations. I went on about how I was sick and tired of being treated like a maid and a whore. I'd helped with his kids, cleaned his house, provided companionship and sex, but Laura remained his greatest love

AND THAT RIDICULOUS PARTY! DEAD PEOPLE DON'T HAVE BIRTHDAYS!" I screamed. Tony stared at me in disbelief and lashed out, "How can you be so self-centered? You're making this all about YOU!" I felt overwhelmed. I said I didn't HAVE to clean up the party mess; I could have stayed home. Maybe I caused my own problems and unfairly blamed him.

I'm tired of my needs not being met and being second to someone I don't even know or care about. I feel like my feelings are minimized. How can our relationship come back from this? How do I deal with this and let him know what he needs to do? AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

ABCBDMomma said:

This relationship will never come back from this. Just end it and move on with your life.

Careless_Welder_4048 said:

Why would you want to save this relationship?? It makes no sense. Are you that desperate??? It’s clear he’s not over her and you know it, why are you there??

[deleted] said:

Mate, just leave. He's not ready to date. But like so many single dads, he's looking for a bang nanny. He doesn't want to keep house or raise his kids; he's an AH for the way he's using you. The way you deal with this is by walking away with your head held high. And before anyone has a fit - yes, I know, not all men, yada yada.

Kampfzwerg0 said:

The celebration of the birthday isn’t the problem here. It’s everything that happened before and afterwards. The way he treats you. The way he makes you feel. It’s hard to date a widower, but he makes it even harder. Don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t make you feel loved. NTA

She later shared this update:

I know this is a relatively quick update, but I have been mulling over it for a while now and only needed a few voices to validate me, so just wanted to type out something. I just ended things with my ex boyfriend. It was relatively quick exchange.

Hey everyone, first of all, I wanted to thank all of you for your input - the good, the criticism, the bad - every single one of you. Even if you condemned my actions, there was still value in it - that we weren’t right for each other. Laura’s birthday was last week and I was already thinking about breaking up, but I just needed more reasons from an unbiased source that confirmed WHY we shouldn’t be together.

Many of you also pointed out that I was letting him treat me this way, and was putting up with SO MUCH disrespect in our relationship. This WAS indeed my own fault for not recognising his behaviour earlier and giving him a pass because he lost someone who was significant to him once upon a time.

Being with a widower is difficult enough, but having the widower be a torch bearer for his late wife makes it that much awful for the new woman in his life. I calculated my words carefully and told him:

“You have a right to hang onto the memory of your late wife forever if that’s what you want. However I am also entitled to do what makes me happy. I feel like a poor second, an afterthought. You will be better off finding someone who can live in your late wife’s shadow and I, with a man who can fully commit to exclusively me.” He told me, that I was messed up.

“If that’s what you believe, maybe we are better off parting ways. Stop gaslighting me. I know what you are doing.“ “Good luck, I hope your memories keep you warm at night, because I won’t be there any longer to warm your bed. Give your kids my best." I feel relief right now. It feels like I sort of restored my sense of self. Thanks a lot again, everyone, for your support.