'AITA for telling my BF to stop treating me like an emotional support animal?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my boyfriend to stop treating me like an emotional support animal?"
I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for almost two months. We've known each other for 3 years now. We are both from Asia and he moved to USA for his Master's degree in August 2021. I was aware that it would be a LDR going into it. I have never been in a LDR before, so this is new to me.
Shortly after we started dating, he started having fights with one of his close girl friends. She told him that she wanted to stop being friends with him, out of the blue. She had been through a bad breakup recently, and he had supported her through it.
But her refusal to acknowledge him or their friendship was hard on him. He tried to talk to other people in the same circle. They grew tired of the repeated discussions, and told him that they weren't interested in discussing the same thing over and over and that he shouldn't take this to heart and leave her be.
He's been depressed over this for about 1.5 months now. He's feeling lonely and feel that their friends chose her and abandoned him. All this while, I have tried my best to support him and be there for him. I have tried to be positive and cheerful and tried to cheer him up. I have had endless discussions about the same thing with him.
All this exploded about 20 days ago. The "said friend" barged into his apartment and started berating him, over how he was overly clingy and annoying. And told him to grow up and accept that they aren't friends anymore. Both sides said terrible things to each other.
And other friends have chosen her and told him that he shouldn't have been so harsh considering she was already having a difficult time. He's taken a turn for the worse since then.
We have a 11 hr time difference. He wants me to stay up all night to talk to him because he is lonely. He wants me to stay on video calls with him while I work (I work 8-6 currently WFH as a software engineer). I stayed up for a while but told him that it's hampering my productivity at work.
He was sad over me not talking to him all night. He wanted to say dirty things to me on the phone while I attend a call because it was thrilling, I said no, I want to focus on work. He wants me to talk to him whenever he is awake so he doesn't feel alone, which I think is impossible without sacrificing all my sleep.
Yesterday I had a particularly hard day at work and I had horrible period cramps as well. I was in mood to talk, but he wanted to text with me. I told him that I was very tired and wasn't feeling very well emotionally either.
He got mad at me because I couldn't stay up "even on a Friday night" to talk to him. He said "that's why you've never been in a good relationship before, you never consider the other person, you are selfish". I told him that "that's all I have been doing for all the while we've dated. I have been talking of you, and your fights, and your mental health.
Stop treating me like I am your emotional support animal. I have my life to handle" He hasn't talked to me since.
I feel terrible for my words, but I was overworked and tired and couldn't help it. Am I the a$$hole?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Exact_Roll_4048 said:
NTA. The former friend appears to be right on the money when she says he's "clingy". Your boyfriend wants you to jeopardize your job to talk to him. He clearly doesn't prioritize you. Prioritize yourself and cut him loose.
Respoken_text said:
You’ve known him for a while but haven’t dated very long. Take a good long look at how others in his life are stepping away. He seems overwhelming, selfish and pretty inconsiderate to your needs. Don’t you think you deserve better? NTA
Massive_Bookkeeper84 said:
NTA. Let this thing go. He sounds emotionally abusive. His circle of “friends” see it and he’s obsessed with someone else anyway. Run away! Take the no contact and use it to your advantage and block.
And [deleted] said:
NTA. I think you need to take a big step back from this relationship, OP. Your boyfriend sounds very overwhelming and incredibly needy. Honestly, it sounds like he takes up all of the oxygen in the room and this is why people are pulling away from him.
I cannot imagine having to be available for this person 24/7, and it seems like you aren't allowed to have needs or feelings of your own. That's not healthy, and you made a very clear boundary. Good for you. He needs therapy. You need a break.
UPDATE:
First off, thank you for all of you who gave me opinions, advices and support, through comments and personal messages and essentially opened my eyes to much more than what I was seeing.
I have now broken up with the guy. I tried to stick by for a week or so, to really see if things were that bad. But things didn't improve for my mental health. It infact got worse. I became distant and cold, and it had to be addressed.
I decided to break up to take care of my mental health. He did not take it nicely. He asked me why I am giving up on him. I said I am not, I am just prioritising myself. He also claimed "you are being selfish. Why don't you think of me? When have I ever asked you to go out of your way and do something for me? Why am I treated like a burden? If you want less people, stop talking to "xxxx" (my best friend's name)"
And that was the last straw for me. I told him to stop, because I didn't want things to turn ugly. I told him "lets not lose our respect for each other that much. I am not going down to your level" And he hung up the call. So yeah, that's about it.
Thanks all, for your help. I appreciate it. :)