"AITA for asking my BF not to go to a wedding with his ex GF?"

For context: Me and my boyfriend Sam have been together for a year and a half. We broke up last summer for 2 months but got back together. During our break, Sam met up with his ex-girlfriend Rachel, whom he had dated for 4 years prior to our relationship.

They only met up once, and nothing came of it; however, Rachel still has feelings for Sam and was hoping they would rekindle things. Rachel was enraged and threw a fit whenever she found out that me and Sam got back together. She sent him a lot of really nasty messages and continued to do so for several months afterward, even though he never responded to her.

Rachel and Sam both have mutual friends who are getting married. They were both asked to be bridesmaids and groomsmen in the wedding. In February, Rachel asked the bride if it would be okay if Sam did not have a plus 1 for the wedding because "she wouldn't be able to handle seeing him with anyone else." Whenever Sam found this out, he immediately contacted both the bride and groom.

They assured him that Rachel's request would not have an impact on the decision for a plus one. Since then, she has still continued to try to reach out to Sam, including going as far as contacting me via Instagram regarding the upcoming wedding. She started to harass me and even admitted that contacting me was for her own self-gain.

In April, me and Sam were both invited to the engagement party. Of course, Rachel was there, but we were having such a great time that we barely even noticed her existence. At 3 a.m. that night, Rachel texted Sam yet again, degrading both of us. She told Sam the he was not going to be getting a plus one to the wedding and to not make a fuss about it like last time.

I found the comment odd because invitations have not been sent out yet. Why is she the one telling him this instead of the bride or groom? Regardless, Sam finally responded to Rachel and told her to never contact us again.

Fast-forward to the present day: Sam got the wedding invitation, and it did not include a plus one. He contacted the groom, and the response was that they had to prioritize other couples who have "been together longer, live together, and/or who both know the bride and groom" due to the budget. I know 100% that a wedding should only be about the bride and groom and what they want.

If they don't want Sam to have a plus one, that is their call. I'm not entirely convinced that Rachel did not have a part in the decision. She is a lot closer to the bride than Sam is to the groom. So AITA for asking my boyfriend not to go to the wedding without me? This would mean he would have to drop out of being a groomsman.

The only reason I feel uncomfortable with him going is due to the relentless harassment about the wedding by Rachel. If she had been respectful and left us alone, I would have no problem with him going without me; however, that was not the case. She has continuously disrespected me, my boyfriend, and our relationship. She has no clue what a boundary is. I just want this to be over.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Maya2661 said:

NTA. I could also imagine that the bride and Rachel decided this together or Rachel convince the bride and the groom now has to go along with it for the sake of peace... either way, I couldn't trust Rachel or the bride either. Talk to Sam about this. What is his opinion? Did he trust his friend about the reason for the invitation? Maybe he should talk to his friend face to face about this.

OP responded:

I brought that up to him because he previously told me the bride “wears the pants in the relationship” and the groom just does whatever she wants. My bf did start to see my side. He did ask the groom to call him yesterday so they could talk but he never did.

Sea_Firefighter_4598 said:

Wait a minute, a groomsman without a plus one? Yeah Rachel and the bride are probably in on this. If Rachel is more important than the groom that says a lot. Sam should tell them he is opting out of the games. NTA.

Used_Mark_7911 said:

NTA. They 100% excluded you due to his ex’a drama. If he stays as a groomsman he’s basically consenting to all this nonsense. He should let the from know that he’s disappointed in their stance, and quietly inform him that he can no longer be a part of the wedding.

“Hi groom, I’m very sorry to have to do this, but I’m going to have to step down as a groomsman and will not be attending your wedding. I know none of this is your fault and I’m so sorry my ex has caused some much drama about your wedding which should be about you as a couple and not our past relationship.

Unfortunately, her harassment of me and my gf have made it impossible. At this point it would be hugely disrespectful of me to attend the wedding without my gf as the implication is that I accept ex-gf’s treatment of us, which I do not.

I’m hopeful that this actually reduces stress for you at your wedding and avoids all potential drama on the day, which again should be about you. We wish you the best and hope you have an amazing and special day.”

Good_Ad6336 said:

NTA. After being told he was not getting a plus one did your boyfriend drop out himself or is he still going? Are the bride and groom aware of the extent Rachael has gone to drive a wedge in your relationship? It seems like a weird stance to support a couple getting married when said couple supports someone trying to break you up. Asking your boyfriend not to attend is a reasonable request all things considered.

If I were in your boyfriend’s position I would sit with the couple and show them all the harassing texts from Rachael. I would explain that I support their relationship and I hope that the respect goes both ways. That being said, they can’t honestly expect him to attend a wedding without his partner. Don’t ask for a plus one. It’s their wedding after all. But they can’t get upset when people choose not to come.

And OP replied:

He doesn’t know if he is going or not and wants to talk to the groom first before making a decision. After our last discussion, he is leaning towards my side. I’m honestly not sure how much the bride and groom know of his ex’s actions. I do know that the groom knows his ex contacted me via instagram though.

She later shared this update:

My boyfriend talked to the groom. Due to the budget, they had to limit plus ones to couples who live together or will be traveling out of town to attend. The wedding is being paid for by the bride’s family. It seems like they had an input on who was invited.

The groom did not know the full extent of Rachel’s behavior towards me and my boyfriend. The groom was also surprised to hear Rachel told my bf in April he would not be getting a plus one, as they had not decided at that time.

My bf did come to see that it was disrespectful for the bride and groom to not allow him to have a plus one. Even if his ex was not attending, the wedding party should have priority over regular guest. With that being said, he does not want to completely burn a bridge with the groom, which I don’t want that to happen either. We both agreed it will be fine for him to attend the ceremony but skip the reception.

The groom said I would be allowed to attend the rehearsal dinner and welcome party. As far as Rachel, my bf plans to ignore her and immediately shut down any of her antics. My bf is truly disgusted with Rachel and her psychotic behavior. Ultimately she wanted to break things up between me and my bf, but she has only made us stronger.

She then posted this second and final update:

Backstory: my boyfriend was asked to be a groomsman in a wedding where his ex-girlfriend was a bridesmaid. His ex harassed him for months even though he didn’t respond. She reached out to me via Instagram. She has been trying to break us up/get him back. She told me on instagram that she “doesn’t want to be around us during the wedding as it would be distracting."

The groom told my boyfriend months ago that I would be allowed to attend the rehearsal dinner, welcome party, and part of the reception. We were told I would not be allowed to attend the ceremony or dinner portion of the reception due to the budget. After the formalities are completed, I will be allowed to attend.

A week before the wedding, the groom invited my boyfriend to brunch on Sunday the day after the wedding. He said it was going to be a super casual thing. I, however, was not invited to this brunch. My boyfriend reassured me he would not be attending without me.

During the wedding rehearsal, my boyfriend decided to double-check with the groom about me coming to the rehearsal dinner. Turns out, I had been uninvited from the dinner. We were informed of this 30 minutes before the start. The groom told my boyfriend I did not have a seat, but he would love to have me at the welcome party afterward.

My boyfriend skipped the rehearsal dinner. We ended up going to a local bar until the welcome party started. Once we got to the welcome party, the groom came up to me and apologized for the "politics." He told me he was happy I was there and looked forward to having me at the reception tomorrow. Two people commented on us missing the rehearsal dinner, but I just changed the subject.

After the welcome party ended, we all rallied to a bar close by. I was standing at the bar talking to one of the guests when the bride inputted herself into our conversation. The bride would only look at and talk to the other girl, even though I was adding input into the conversation. It was just like the interview Kjersti Flaa did with Blake Lively. I felt so uncomfortable that I ended up walking away.

The next day before the wedding, I met up for brunch with the girl. She informed me that as soon as I walked away, the bride started talking sh*t about me. The bride told her I was originally invited to the wedding, but that Rachel (my boyfriend’s ex) said she would not be able to handle it. So I was uninvited from the wedding.

The girl said it seemed like the bride was trying to get her to not be friends with me and to exclude me. She said it seemed like the bride was trying to get her to take Rachel’s side as well. The bride admitted she was being petty but that she didn’t care.

Mind you, I had just met this girl, and we were just casually chatting at the bar. Why the bride wanted to focus on causing drama and excluding me the night before her wedding is beyond me. Like girl, focus on getting married.

Around 8 pm is when all the formalities were finished, and I was able to attend. I’m not going to lie, dancing with my boyfriend in front of his ex-girlfriend felt extremely good. I swear we did not do it on purpose, but wherever his ex went, we were always right there. She could not avoid us even if she tried. At one point, the bride and groom were in the center dancing.

I was directly across from his ex in her line of sight. She completely turned her back just so that she couldn’t see me, even though everyone else was facing forward. The only people who would talk to us were the other groomsmen and their dates. We ended up telling several of them the full story because they had no idea.

So the whole night felt like sweet revenge. I will say many times the groom came up to me and said he was happy I was there. Whether he meant it or it was performative, I have no idea. I also don’t care at this point.

The only reason my boyfriend did not drop out of the wedding was because we were told I was not invited due to the budget. We were assured several times that it had nothing to do with his ex. If my boyfriend had been given the full truth, he would have dropped out. Whenever I found out the truth, it was already too late. My boyfriend was at the venue taking pictures and the wedding was starting in an hour.

Once the couple gets back from their honeymoon, I and my boyfriend plan on having a conversation with the groom. My boyfriend said he will be reevaluating their friendship.