"AITA for telling my best friend that I am pregnant?"

I (33f) have been in a very close friendship with N (31f) for about 8 years. We have been through a lot of things together and for the last year and a half I’ve been on her side for her infertility journey. She has been through 2 inseminations and 2 rounds of IVF, all to no avail.

She has PCOS and she doesn’t ovulate naturally. We started with our partners at around the same time, and in the past I told her that I would start trying for a baby at the end of last summer. I asked her if I got pregnant, if she wanted to know, and she said that I could tell her.

A couple of months ago her 2nd round of IVF failed and she was obviously devastated. She told me that she didn’t want to talk about pregnancies when we met, and we didn’t. In that time I knew I was pregnant, but didn’t say.

Two weeks later she called me and told me doctors had found a possible cause of why IVF wasn’t working, and she was under an infection treatment and would try again in a month. I was very excited for her. And we set a date to meet in around 10 days.

As she was the one to start talking about the topic again, I decided I would tell her I am pregnant, cause I was already 10 weeks and was going to announce it soon publicly and I’d rather she knew by me. So when we met, we talked about her a little, and then I told her. Her reaction was cold and she just said: “oh, congratulations, then."

And then she said: “that was fast, huh?”. I was kinda taken aback but gave her grace because of her situation, I just had expected she could be happy for me, but it was okay, so I gave her time and space and didn’t talk for a month.

A month later, I asked about an exam she had at work, and she answered with a 4 minute long audio telling me she was offended that I had told her about my pregnancy when she specifically asked not to talk about that topic.

And that she didn’t want to know from me or see me again for a while. I was really taken aback and told her she was the first one to talk about the topic again and thought she was optimistic with the new discoveries and treatment so she would be happy for me, and I was hurt about her deciding when or how we can be friends.

This was a month ago and we haven’t spoken since then, I think about her sometimes and worry about her, but on the other hand I am hurt that she doesn’t want to be my side or my baby’s and if she does come back, I don’t know if that’d be a healthy friendship. So, AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

crazyheather345 said:

NTA. It's tough. I'm very sympathetic to her pain and the stuff she's going though. But she was going to find out eventually. She was probably never going to be emotionally ready for you to tell her directly. But the alternative was for her to find out via social media as you say in your post, or for you just turn up to a hang-out one day visibly pregnant.

There was no nice way for her to find out and you tried to do it in the least painful way possible. She has to work through those feelings and appreciate that you tried your best here.

It is what it is, you know? It's not her fault that she cannot get pregnant naturally, obviously. But she can't spend the rest of her life resenting people who do get pregnant. Or at least if she does privately resent it, and this is something she can never get over, she has to find ways to manage that feeling and not to express it publicly.

Dense-Passion-2729 said:

This is a really challenging situation. My best friend and I went through the same thing and after she insisted I tell her if I fell pregnant and that she’d be deeply wounded if I didn’t- I shared with her. She reacted poorly, made it about herself and let me know that it led to a panic attack and a sob session in a public store.

I felt horrible and confused. I hadn’t wanted to hurt her or even share with her but she had made such a point to tell me how hurt and offended she’d be if I didn’t, that I honored her wishes.

I had experienced multiple miscarriages before I became pregnant and the day we told our friends and family was a sad occasion after her reaction. I told her I understood but that I needed some time and space for awhile. We tried to reconnect multiple times but she couldn’t respect my wish to leave our experiences separate and individual.

Fast forward two years and she has a little one of her own. We’ve been able to reconnect and hold space for one another and the ways we both did and didn’t handle things well and our friendship is stronger than ever.

It took some time and processing and forgiveness. I hope you can have the same OP but regardless of the outcome how she reacted and treated you is NOT okay. Continue to take space and take care of yourself. NTA

And wisebirdcaseycasey said:

OP, sometimes life takes us down different paths. You and your friend have now gone down a different path. Hers is infertility yours a new family starting. It's sad, but you have to be thankful for the friendship you had and move on to pastures new. Sometimes, friends are not meant to go the distance with you. Take care of yourself and your little one.

She later updated to her post to add some more info. and answer some questions:

EDIT: INFO: We didn't meet TO talk about her new treatment, the meetup was set beforehand because we were in summer holidays and couldn't meet before. When we meet we usually talk about everything and anything.

At that time she was NOT in an IVF treatment. The new discoveries were that they found an infection in her uterus that may be causing her embryos not sticking, and she was treating that. No hormones, just antibiotic and she was responding well and would go another round of IVF soon, with a lot more chances. It was a major change in the game, but she was impatient, which is understandable.

HOW I TOLD HER: We were talking about life in general, first about her, not the uterus or anything, just updates in her life. She asked how about you, what's new? And I said "I have to tell you something" and she said: "You're pregnant". Obviously she might have remember I told her I would have already started by then, and I said "yes". Then she said "that was fast."

And ONLY talked abut my pregnancy WHEN she asked some questions. After that we changed the topic and SHE talked about her advances with antibiotics and she told me she was considering surrogacy and as always, I listened to her and was there for her. I never again talked about my pregnancy nor did I send her any picture of my ultrasounds, and gave her space.

And she didn't communicate she preferred I announced via text. We always talk about big things in person and in private, so that's why I did it like that, and how we had discussed it.

When I confronted her about the fact that she had talked about the topic days before so I thought the ‘ban’ was over, she told me: “No, but when I yalk about it is because I want to vent or explain something, but I still didn’t want to talk about the topic."

It was a misunderstanding, but also I think it’s not 100% fair she reopens and closes the ban when she feels like talking. And I think that announcing a pregnancy is not “talking about the topic in general”, it’s a major life event I had to tell her at some point.

I hope I answered some of your questions. Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH for your insights and for sharing your personal experiences. I am so sorry for the ones who went through a loss. I cannot physically reply to every comment but I am trying to read all of them, I didn't expect so many replies, but I see how this is a sensitive topic. Thanks to all.