I’m getting married this month in a courthouse wedding. Just us and our two best friends as witnesses. Since I’ve been with my fiance, my best friend ("Ali") has been acting differently. She started making passive-aggressive comments about him like “he's stealing you away from me”.
Ali's always been possessive of me, but I chalked it up to her having a hard time making friends and me being her only long-term friend. She's said she and I are “platonic soulmates” and that she wanted us to become old cat ladies together. I thought the last one was a joke in reference to her (supposed) asexuality and my shyness about dating in general.
She kept making rude remarks as it came closer to my wedding date. Yet she still went on about how she’d better be my witness as she’s my bff etc. so I sucked it up and kept her in. But two days ago, out of nowhere she went into a crying rage about how “It’s not fair! It should be me!”
I was shocked. Not just because of the meltdown but because she has ALWAYS insisted that she is asexual (and aromantic). So I’m like, “You?” “Yes, me! It should be me there with you, not him!” There it is. She wasn’t jealous that I’m getting married, she’s jealous that I’m not getting married to HER.
I was dumbfounded, as 1) I’m straight and 2) she said she was aromantic. Now I get that she was in the closet, but to come out to me this way and then be angry at me for not reciprocating feelings I never knew she had and literally CAN’T reciprocate made me upset. Looking back, I understand she may have been trying to give me hints, but hints aren’t enough in a situation like this.
I told her I'm sorry but I'm engaged to be married next week. To try and keep her from resenting my fiance, I made it clear that it never would have worked out even if I was single. I’m just not gay. She gave me the cold-shoulder after that, and this carried over into yesterday. Here’s where I may be TA: I told her that if she is so upset about the wedding I don’t want her there.
She FREAKS. Cries about how she can’t understand why I’m “doing this to her”. She says if I leave her out I’m saying we’re not friends anymore because she's gay. That’s NOT what I’m saying, because I do want be friends and her being gay isn't the problem-- it's her being jealous of my fiance; but she won’t believe that.
Now she’s texting me about how I’m a horrible person, life is unfair, and she can’t have a single thing go right, etc. If she accepted that I don’t have feelings for her and moved on I would have her in the wedding, of course, but she clearly hasn't. Now she’s demanding I change my mind and I’m standing firm and saying no. Am I TA?
[deleted] said:
NTA. "What we have right now isn't friendship; it's an unhealthy, one-sided obsession. Please see a therapist to help you work through this, because I can't." Then block her.
And you might want to make sure the folks at the courthouse are aware there might be some kind of disturbance, or even change the date if that's possible and make sure your other attendees know to keep that to themselves, because I unfortunately wouldn't put it past her to show up and cause trouble anyway.
[deleted] said:
NTA: It sounds like she can't understand how her behavior and revelation that she is into you is going to affect your wedding. Also, it's pretty selfish of her to wait until a week before you get married to dump this onto you. I would tell her I needed a break from the whole situation and I'd contact her after the honeymoon is over. She needs space to deal with her feelings instead of venting them to you.
JabbaInBlueJeans said:
You made the right decision by telling her she can't come. She absolutely would have made a scene on the day. I feel for her; unrequited love is the worst. But her tantrum has made her the asshole here. NTA.
TogarSucks said:
NTA. Say your friend’s and Fiancé’s genders were reversed, and a male friend professed his love to you before you married a woman. You are treating them the same way you would have treated that friend in the situation. Sexuality has nothing to do with it.
It suck to put yourself out there like your friend did, but she was rejected and needs to move on. It is completely understandable though that you not want someone at your wedding who just professed their love for you and tried to cancel it. She needs to accept that as well.
What makes her the asshole is that she is trying to manipulate the situation and make herself the victim on your “homophobic wrath” by not wanting her at the wedding. You need to get a head of that immediately and make sure any mutual friends know exactly what went down before they fall for her narrative.
Like with many situations of “professing your love to a friend” the possibility of the friendship ending exists, but if your friendship ends over this situation it is entirely her own doing. Don’t let yourself feel bad because if it.
allthemigraines said:
NTA and I get that you probably feel confused but please remember- She had ample opportunity to tell you how she felt in your relationship but didn't, likely because she knew you didn't feel the same. She lied to you about her sexual preferences.
Her statement makes it seem like she's built an entire scenario in her head where the two of you did have a relationship and would grow old together. It's obvious that reality intruded and since she's never faced her feelings she's not very accepting of her fanasty crumbling.
She just tried to manipulate you into feeling guilty by using her sexual preference as a weapon rather than the truth of it being her profession of love that startled you. If you look back over your friendship I'm guessing you'd see other times she tried to manipulate your feelings or time.
If you wouldn't invite a man who just did this to your private ceremony, don't accept it for the reasons of she's your friend or she's female. The feelings of a jilted lover are the same across the board and you'd be inviting trouble.
B4pangea said:
NTA. YIKES. Your friend clearly needs help- way more than you can provide. Here’s the thing: right now her needs are sucking the air out of YOUR life in an unhealthy way and she’s too wrapped up in herself to see how SHE’s treating YOU or how her behavior is impacting you. If she cannot control herself- and it seems she really can’t - then no, she should not be involved in your wedding.
So today I texted her saying that I was willing to talk it out. She then did a 180 flip from spamming me to essentially ghosting me. I laid out my feelings about the situation ("I'm still kind of in shock and I wish you had spoken to me about your feelings a long time ago.
You are still my best friend but that doesn't entitle you to a romantic relationship with me. Etc.") Haven't gotten a reply yet but I can see she's read them.