'AITA for not helping my BF's family with home improvement tasks after he voluntold me?' UPDATED
"AITA for not helping my BF's family with home improvement tasks after he voluntold me?"
I am 25f and my boyfriend is 26m. He had a mother and three sisters. Their father died when they all were pretty young, and honestly, none of them have really learned how to be independent.
My dad raised me to be pretty independent. He told me to never depend on a man, and I don’t. My dad owned a construction company, and he was one of the most talented woodworkers I’ve ever met.
He taught me how to do a lot. I can work on cars within reason, cook, build furniture, lay tile, and do most home improvement type stuff. And honestly, if I don’t know how to do something I’m pretty good at YouTubing it, and asking whoever I need to for pointers.
My boyfriend and I live in a house that I solely own. I have made the house into what my boyfriend and I need. We are getting ready to get married, and maybe adopt a few children.
His sisters are all kind of helpless. I admittedly don’t really like any of them. His oldest sister has been dating this slimy guy, and they have four kids together. He binge drinks a lot, and doesn’t really do anything. He gets a disability check from pretending to be schizophrenic. Their trailer is falling apart and their water isn’t coming on.
She cried to my boyfriend and asked him to get me to come get their water working again, and fix some stuff. She said she can’t afford to pay anyone. He said sure, and casually told me.
I told him no, definitely don’t want to go do that in my free time. He’s upset because he doesn’t want to go back on his word to his sister. I suggested one of them can figure it out, or he can pay someone to do it. We have separate finances.
His other sister started redoing her kitchen last month. She thought it would be easy. Halfway through gutting everything she realized that she was in way over her head. Her boyfriend also broke up with her, and she had no one to help. He was the one mainly directing things. She asked my boyfriend to ask me to come help. He told her I would. I said no. Same problem.
We are having a fight right now. He thinks that I am not being a team player for his family. I told him that I don’t ask his family for anything ever, and it’s not my fault that they choose to put themselves in bad spots and expect to be bailed out. It would be reasonable if they were sick, and I brought them a meal.
Or if we watched the kids while someone is in the hospital. You know, normal family stuff. But I don’t think wanting me to go do real labor and spend my entire weekend on projects because of their f^&*ups is reasonable.
At the end, I told him if he isn’t okay with this boundary I’m setting then we have no business getting married. And the ball is in his court. He had apologized and let it go, but I can still tell that he’s fuming. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. If he had asked you first and then you declined, that's one thing. But for him to commit you without asking is wrong. They can figure their own problems out.
NTA. BUT - I think a deeper convo here would help. Tell him that this isn’t the way to get help on something. The right thing for him to have done in both situations is to say “yea I can see you have some challenges, let me talk to my fiancé and see if she has any suggestions.” That’s a soft way of saying maybe.
Reality of it is - neither one of you should be “volunteering” one another without talking to each other first, privately, not on the spot. You used boyfriend quite a bit in your post. Given you bring so much to the table (wealth and skill), you need to think about a prenup.
Used-Web9629 OP
Yes, we do have a prenup. I have premarital assists and an inheritance. My earning potential is also higher. He makes decent money though. Ultimately he was fine with a prenup and we already got it sorted out with two layers.
Just wait until he tries to siphon your money to his sisters.
Used-Web9629 OP
We have separate finances.
You also have separate bodies and yet he feels entitled to volunteer your labor. Expect to be wheedled for money “because he said they’d help”. Or to cover his expenses because someone needed help and he took it from his account.
Used-Web9629 OP
He makes good money. I really don’t foresee him asking me for mine ever. And if he was broke because he decided to bail out his family I would just let him suffer the consequences of his choices. We don’t have any joint expenses so.
NTA. Unless you ever said “oh I can help” or something to that affect, no one can expect you to do things. “You don’t ask you don’t get” is a saying that applies to this situation, perfectly.
Used-Web9629 OP
I learned the hard way in my early twenties to never commit to someone else’s project. I might surprise someone and show up to help, but I don’t want it expected of me. Too many times I burnt myself out helping someone because I had committed myself to it.
NTA. Helplessness is really unappealing. In anyone. But it is especially ugly when it is coming from within your own possibly future in-law family members, and they are looking at you to do the manual labor for free. It is important you set this boundary right now, or it will never stop.
You need to get this straight with your BF/future husband, too. You do not want to marry someone who thinks it is, in fact, your job to be the general contractor for all the homes of all his family members, and general mechanic to all of their cars, all unpaid.
Used-Web9629 OP
Yes, I agree. That’s why I came down on the topic hard, and kind of gave an ultimatum. If you can’t respect my boundary don’t marry me, and don’t volunteer me ever again.
NTA and this shouldn't even being an issue. It should be common sense for your SO to not promise your help without asking. that's basic respect. is this his only red flag?
Used-Web9629 OP
Yes. He’s a really great boyfriend otherwise. I think due to his dad dying he kind of has a weak spot for his mom and sisters, but he is by no means overly involved with their lives normally. But he doesn’t want them to struggle, if that makes sense?
absolutely makes sense.
maybe agree to a compromise. he can promise his family Services but only those he could do by himself. you wanna Tag along? cool. but everything else he has to Check with you first.
Is he aware how much time he just casually Gifts his family if he commits to Projects. first one Was including troubleshooting which can take hours. to rescue a sunken diy kitchen project? days. is he aware how much he asks from you (plus he doesn't even do this basic little act)?
Used-Web9629 OP
To be honest, I think he should just pay someone to go and fix both problems. He can afford to do so, and he could just make it their early Christmas present. But he didn’t like this idea. So he’s going to go try to fix his sisters water this weekend.
He’s going to realize the hard way that there’s a reason I don’t want to do these things. Ultimately, I think it will be good for him to learn this lesson firsthand.
3 days later OP came back with this update. "You asked for an update and you got one":
If you have read my last post, you’ll know that I refused to help my boyfriend’s family with their home repairs/renovations. My boyfriend was moderately unhappy. His take was, if we’re going to get married one day, his family will become my family. And we should all do our best to help each other.
We had a frank conversation. I explained that I feel like his sisters are kind of needy, and expect help, meanwhile they never offer any help, nor do they have any real useful skills that I’d need them for, to be honest. I made it clear that he’s welcome to use his time, effort, and money, to help them as he pleases. But to leave me out of it going forward. He agreed.
Today he went over there to try to help his sister fix her plumbing in their trailer. He went over there, and they spent six hours trying to fix it. It ended with a broken pipe and sewage and water flooding underneath badly.
He called an emergency plumber, who said that pretty much all the plumbing in the trailer needs to be redone, because it’s so old. He quoted them $6k to fix it all. When the plumber left, him and his sister ended up getting in a screaming match in front of the kids.
She insisted that if I came last week things wouldn’t have gotten so bad, which doesn’t even make sense honestly, but she’s a moron. She insisted that him and I come fix it all for free. He told her off, for always being a burden on everyone and making her problems everyone else’s.
She got super offended, and told him to leave since he thinks he’s so much better than her and her kids. The kids were all crying, and it was a mess.
Both SIL’s have been blowing up his phone and my phone. We’ve ignored them. He cried. He’s just been exhausted. He opened up that he feels bad because he promised his dad when he was a kid, right before his dad died, that he would take care of everything.
Personally, I don’t think it was fair of his dad to make a six year old boy make that kind of promise. It’s out so much weight on his shoulders over the years.
My boyfriend has stated that it’s time to let them all sink or swim, with everything. He’s just so tired. We’re going to take a break from talking to all of them. If/when we get involved with them there will be crystal clear boundaries, he has agreed on this.
So yeah. That’s all I’ve got for right now. Not sure if it’s a happy ending, but that’s just where we are in life. For those of you who suggested that I leave my boyfriend, I hope you don’t end your relationships over every minor disagreement.
Because that will lead to a lonely life. He’s not going to put his sisters first for the rest of his life. But things are complicated. I’m willing to stand by him while we deal with things.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
You’re not the asshole. You set clear boundaries, and it sounds like your boyfriend is starting to understand them. His family’s issues aren’t yours to fix, especially when they don’t offer anything in return.
It's crazy cause her boyfriend's SIL literally even going ahead to blame the sewage issues on her not coming last week shows that the issues shouldn't even be her boyfriend's to fix as well. They just need to leave both sisters to do their own thing and sort themselves out
Oooof. This lesson was super timely for your husband. If you had gone in there to try and fix, OP would have been responsible for the repairs. Likely allllll at her cost too if she “broke” it and because familyyyyy. Yeahhhh… no.
NTA. Omg his family members have no life skills nor knowledge
Used-Web9629 OP
No, they do not. They all work entry level jobs for little to no money, and have no education or skills. He’s doing a lot better for himself and they just drag him down.
NTA. So who wound up paying the $6000 for the plumbing?
Used-Web9629 OP
No one. She can’t afford it, and her and my boyfriend aren’t talking right now. It’s more than he would probably want to spend anyways