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'I went through my BF's phone after he got mugged and found texts with other women. AITA?'

'I went through my BF's phone after he got mugged and found texts with other women. AITA?'

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"I Went Through My Boyfriend’s Phone After He Got Mugged. AITA?"

I (26)m went through my boyfriend’s (36)m phone after he got mugged. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years. He works for an airline and frequently has trips that take him out of the country. I don’t mind this because it was understood when we started dating that he would have to travel internationally, which usually meant he was gone for 3/4 days.

Well one of his trips too him to Belgium, not somewhere I would automatically think of as dangerous, but one night during his trip he went out with his fellow flight attendants and got drunk. At some point during the night he got separated from his friends and had his wallet and phone stolen.

When he got back to the hotel, he called me from his Apple Watch crying, telling me what just happened. I went into defense mode, asked if he was okay and offered to go into his iPad, which was at home to mark the phone as lost/stolen so no one else could use it. He gave me the password and I disabled the phone from the iPad.

Afterwards, we hung up (it was late and he had a flight the next day) and my curiously got the best of me. I went the messages app to see if he had been talking to anyone else, which I had expected. I found out (from messages), he has been cheating on me for over 2 years, having even brought people into our apartment while I was at work.

I don’t know how to feel, part of me knew inside something was up, another part of me feels angry for having ignored my feelings all this time. This is the first long term relationship I’d ever had, the first time I’ve ever lived with someone. I feel betrayed. He has been with SEVERAL people over the last couple of years, meanwhile we have not been intimate with each other in almost the same amount of time.

He told me “I’m dealing with health problems” or “I just feel self conscious about myself.” Meanwhile he has been hooking up with other people the ENTIRE time! AITA for going through his messages? It’s not something I’d normally do, but I did and my hunches were correct.

What do you think? AITA for going through his messages? This is what top commenters had to say, along with OP's responses:

said:

NTA. But you will be the AH to yourself if you stay with him. Pack his stuff and kick him out.

said:

Anyone else think the mugger was somehow a professional that wanted their money after they had fun together

And OP responded:

I never even considered that being a possibility! But that’s an interesting idea.

said:

Out of curiosity (honestly just curios), what where the signs that made you suspicious in the first place? This situation always feels like an ethical paradox insofar as the NTA classification is dependent upon whether or not you were right about the suspicion.

I tend to have a somewhat paradoxical view of virtual privacy which is hard to reconcile bc I believe we're all entitled to privacy even from our S/O and our phone's contain so much of our very private details (medical history, financial data, etc.). However at the same time I always tell my GFs that they are welcome to use my fone as they please (bc I have nothing to hide).

OP responded:

The “medical” excuses have been a huge problem for me. He is very vague about what he is going through. I try to ask, but don’t want to be invasive and I try to couch my inquires as me being concerned, because I am.

I do know he has been having doctor’s appointments for various health issues, but he won’t explain how those appointments or his health relates to our lack of intimacy. I’ve been trying to be understanding and respectful, but when I saw the messages he has been sending to other men, I realized it wasn’t about his health at all.

said:

Have you considered finding roommates or staying with friends? Or do you have family you could move back in with? You can pretend nothing is wrong until you have the means to leave, it just might take a toll on your mental health. You don’t want to let this drag on for too long.

While you’ve become attached to the dog, it might make it harder for you to find somewhere to live (at least based on experience in my city). Please consider leaving the dog, especially if he’s the one that bought it without your approval.

OP responded:

My family lives 17 hours away, so if I move back in with them, I have to leave a job, which I love and worked very hard to get. I’m only a couple of years out of grad school, so finances are tight.

I’m from a small town in the South US and job opportunities in my field are RARE/non-existent. I’ve spoken to friends and there’s nobody that has room for a roommate. I’m trying to search social media for leads on rooms in the area, without much luck.

I’m at the point that I’m starting to understand leaving the dog is more important than my mental health, which has taken a tremendous hit throughout all of this. I love the dog, but I do realize I MUST put myself first. But I’m finding making the action is really difficult.

said:

Omg, stop making excuses and make a plan. (I stayed in a relationship for way too long because I was trying to be practical - I made excuses year after year after year). Let me repeat - STOP MAKING EXCUSES.

OP responded:

That’s exactly what I’ve done. Make excuses. This is the first time I’ve lived with someone, but every time I think of a reason to leave… I think of a reason to stay.

said:

I'm confused as to why you went through his messages because he said he was mugged, I'm not connecting cheating with being mugged. Regardless of it being right or wrong to go through his messages, you know now that he's been cheating so that's where you have to lead from.

If he gets upset about his privacy being violated well boo hoo, he's been cheating on you for 2 years so I'd say his betrayal is worse

OP responded:

When he was mugged his phone was stolen (his Apple Watch was left in his hotel room so they didn’t steal that. His watch was his one way to communicate with people.

He called me from the watch and I went into the iPad to mark his phone as stolen/missing; therefore bricking the device. He gave me the password to the iPad, I reported the phone stolen and we stopped talking (he went to bed). After we stopped talking is when I started going through his messages and found out he had been cheating for 2+ years.

Sources: Reddit
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