'My BIL crossed the line while my husband is deployed.' AITA?
"My BIL crossed the line while my husband is deployed."
My husband (28M) and I (27F) have been married for a little over a year now. He's currently deployed overseas with the military, and we recently found out right before he left that I’m expecting our first child.
It was bittersweet timing, but he was overjoyed, and so was I. Last week, I shared the news with our families, and the response was overwhelmingly positive. Everyone was excited especially his younger brother (25M), who’s always been a bit too friendly but nothing I couldn’t chalk up to personality.
That changed this morning. I woke up to a message from him saying he understands how emotionally draining pregnancy can be and that sometimes intimacy becomes rare or nonexistent. He then said, blatantly that he’s available if I need “comfort,” emotionally or physically, while my husband is away. He even made a comment about how “no one has to know.”
I’m furious, disturbed, and honestly at a loss. I have zero interest in anyone except my husband, who is the love of my life. But now I’m stuck wondering how to handle this without tearing a hole in their family.
My husband and his brother are extremely close. They grew up together through some tough times and have always leaned on each other. His brother was even the best man at our wedding. My husband would be heartbroken and enraged if he found out what was said.
But at the same time, this is a massive betrayal. His brother isn’t just disrespecting our marriage, he’s undermining my husband's role as a father and partner during a time when we’re supposed to be building our future.
I keep thinking "do I tell my husband now, while he’s deployed and can’t really do anything except stew in anger from afar? Or do I wait until he’s home, knowing that delaying might look like I was hiding it?
If I don’t say anything at all, his brother stays in his life like nothing happened and that makes my skin crawl. What if he tries this again, or with someone else? What if he’s done it before?
My loyalty is to my husband and our baby. But no matter what I choose, someone is going to be deeply hurt. There is no clean way out of this. I just want to do what’s right for my marriage, my child, and myself. How do I expose a betrayal that could wreck a lifelong bond, without causing unnecessary damage?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Send him the message and ask him how he would like you to handle it. Don't be afraid of 'blowing up the family'-your BIL has already done that.
This - don't involve the whole family. Talk to your husband first.
I come from a military family, 4th generation. You and your husband are a team. Tell him. This isn't your dirty secret. You did nothing wrong. It's completely horrendous your BIL put you in this position, when you are already under enough stress from the pregnancy and the ongoing deployment.
"My husband would be heartbroken and enraged if he found out what was said."
As he should be. As you are. So sort this out together. Any other path forward is going to be a betrayal to the trust you have, and need. NTA.
Very good point about "should be outraged and heartbroken". So true - because that is the proper response to that kind of crap.
Tell your husband now! Send him the message, and his family too. The longer you wait the worse this will get. And NEVER be alone with his brother....
More-Dig-6786 (OP)
You're right! I needed to hear that. Honesty is the best path, even if it’s hard. I’ll tell him and make sure to set clear boundaries. Thank you for the push and the support.
Veteran and former officer here: Let him know ASAP. I had two airmen under me who had something kind of similar happen (one was a non-sibling relative, other was a family friend,) and their spouses did not disclose until after we got back from Afghanistan. Both were divorced quickly.
I do not know if anything untoward happened but the trust break was enough. He'll be pissed but better pissed at his brother than at you when he gets back. Also, cut off the brother and spread the word to the rest of your support network.
Don't wait. Tell your husband right away. Then put the perve on blast. Show the message to your in-laws. Yes the family is going to be a mess over this, but protect yourself and your new baby.
why do you think you’re the AH here?