'AITA for inviting my biofather and his family to my wedding against my dad's wishes?'
"AITA for inviting my biofather and his family to my wedding against my dad's wishes?"
Rich-Pumpkin8086
When I(26f) was 11 my dad found out my mother cheated on him and it turned out I wasn't his kid. He stayed in my life but things changed a bit. As time went on, I got curious and wound up asking my mother about my biodad and she told me it wasn't important.
I tried to ask my dad and he said I didn't need to know because he was my father. I didn't ask again but as I got older I really wanted to know. When I was 17 I bought an ancestry kit hoping I'd find something.
I didn't right away but a year later someone reached out to me who turned out to be a half-sibling. My mom and dad didn't want me to talk to them at all but since I was over 18 by then I did. I found out I have 4 more half-siblings and found my biofather, confirmed with a paternity test.
Since then I've connected with my father and his family. They're great people and I have a good relationship with him. He didn't know my mother was engaged when he was with her. I've gone LC with my mother after she confirmed that.
My dad has never been thrilled that I connected with my other family and has made it clear he doesn't want to see or hear about them and I've honored that. I've kept my two families apart. My dilemma is that I'm getting married next year.
I want them both there. I talked to my dad about it so that he'd have time to process. He doesn't want him or any of that part of my family there and told me I'm being disrespectful to him after he raised me.
I told him I appreciated that he did and I still love him but it wasn't right of him to try and keep my family away from me because all three of us were done very wrong by my mother's actions.
As it stands, my dad won't come to my wedding. My brother and sister say they won't come either and my fiance has said I'm majorly in the wrong for wanting to bring my father around my dad even though he agrees my father is a really good guy who has been there for both of us. I need to know if I'm wrong or not.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Distinct-Practice131
Nta but this is a hard one. I'd say your dad, the man who raised you has probably not healed/recovered from the infidelity. It sounds like your parents wanted to sweep it under the rug and trudge on.
Like you said though, you are as much a victim of your mother's affair as he is, and that is something he needs to understand as well. I'd say as well it's easier for your dad to be mad or blame your bio dad, then your mother. Which isn't fair, but common.
The OP responded here:
Rich-Pumpkin8086
Thank you, I think I may try to get him to go to family counseling with me.
Feelinggross99
If you do invite him to counseling be very clear it's not to change his mind. Just a chance for you two to understand each other better.
The OP again responded here:
Rich-Pumpkin8086
That's what it would be for- just to get to a place we understand each other better. After he found out it did hurt a lot whenever he and mom got into arguments and he'd be more distant with me, or have bouts that he treated me a bit differently than he did my brother and sister.
I don't appreciate him any less or love him less but I do want him to understand that this was a good thing for me in many ways. Particularly medical history wise, there is a long history of breast cancer on my biofather's side of the family and heart disease that dad's family hasn't had nor my mother's.
So my paternal grandmother and aunt have been very, very helpful in helping me be proactive and telling me about good doctors they've been to and my cousins my age go to.
T-h-e-d-a
NAH. At the end of the day it's your wedding and it's up to you who you invite, but your dad isn't the asshole for not wanting your father there. Your dad is the one who raised you, loved you, walked you around when you were colicky, went to parent's evening, and a thousand other things.
This other guy is some dude who had an affair with his wife, and yes, your father didn't know your mother was married, but that doesn't change things for your dad. And I imagine there's probably an amount of resentment from your dad towards your father as well.
He appears after 18 years and gets your love and affection and equal regard simply by virtue of not putting a glove on it one time? It's easy to be a parent to an adult and to be a good guy when you're not being depended on for everything.
Nobody is the asshole, but this is one of those decisions with consequences. You don't get what you want. It would be nice if your dad could be the bigger person, but he isn't the a$$h0l3 for not being able to do that.
Basic-Regret-6263
YTA. You're pretty ungrateful for the fact that your father was willing to overlook the fact that he isn't actually your father.
United-Loss4914
Such a sad situation. Perhaps you can go with your dad to family counseling? He is so very hurt by all this. Did your bio dad know that you existed? Why was your bio dad not In your life?
Was it an agreement with your mother? If so, he chose to discard you when another man chose to stand by you. There are probably many more emotions to get through - ultimately, NAH.
But you should consider consequences. If bio family will be understanding, maybe you can stream the wedding to them. It may be too painful for your dad since he hasn’t dealt with all the trauma yet. You have some time to try to better understand your dad’s feelings.