'AITA for blaming my dad and stepmom for my stepsiblings thinking they would get an inheritance?'
"AITA for blaming my dad and stepmom for my stepsiblings thinking they would get an inheritance?"
My dad and stepmother got married when I (17f) was 7 and my brother (19m) was 9. My stepmother had two kids of her own who were 2 and 4 at the time. Our other parents are dead. Their dad and my mom. Their dad died while my stepmother was pregnant. My mom died 19 months before dad remarried.
The only extended family my brother and I had was our mom's side and when dad remarried he insisted my stepsiblings had to be included or they couldn't see us. Grandparents rights were not available at the time so my grandparents agreed but they made it clear to dad they were only including our steps because they loved us and wanted to see us.
So whenever we saw our grandparents, my stepsiblings did, and they grew really attached despite my grandparents never feeling any different. My stepsiblings were a way to see my brother and me, not more grandkids or family in any way to my grandparents. It was the same for the rest of my extended family. They were treated fine but they were never loved or wanted.
Grandpa died in 2020 and my grandma died a month ago. Grandpa's funeral was done over zoom but grandma's wasn't. My stepmother tried to send my stepsiblings up to the grandkid section at the funeral but an aunt and uncle stepped in and said it was only for grandkids.
After the service each grandkid got our "grandkid inheritance" which was a lovingly made memory book that our grandparents did for us and had entries up until the day before grandma died. My stepsiblings got nothing.
This devastated them and there has been an atmosphere ever since. My dad and stepmother are furious and went crazy on my aunts and uncles about letting it happen. Then my dad told me I needed to show some sibling love and loyalty and take a stand against my extended family but I refused.
My dad told me that wasn't okay and that I could not be so selfish. My stepmother said I owed it to my stepsiblings. I told them none of this was my fault and I would not turn away from my family over it. They said I was by choosing my extended family. I told them they are my family. I will not push them away. They said it was cruel what they let happen. I said it was their (dad and stepmother's) fault in the first place.
I told my stepmother she knew my grandparents only included her kids because they wanted to see me and my brother and that dad had made them do it. I said they should never have let the kids believe they were grandkids to my grandparents. They were the cruel ones knowing my family had never loved the kids. And I said I would not stand against my family over this.
They flipped over me blaming them and they said my brother and I lacked empathy and compassion like our extended family did. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
INFO - the “inheritance” is a memory book. That’s very sweet and sentimental. And unlike money, it can’t just be redivided or shared. How are you being selfish? How are you supposed to “take a stand”? Against whom? How? For what, something sentimental your grandparents made for you? I’m so confused.
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
I'm supposed to cut off my extended family because they knew my stepsiblings wouldn't get anything and still passed out the inheritance in front of them. Also for refusing to let my stepsiblings sit with the grandkids at the funeral. And for not loving my stepsiblings in the time they had to be included in order to see me and my brother.
I would put the book somewhere they can't get to it because I almost guarantee someone is spiteful enough to damage it.
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
I left it with my brother because I was worried what would happen to it.
Do step kids grandparents include you as family?Were they also threatened to not see grandkids if you weren’t included? Your dad is TA big time. Ask him if he ever loved your mother because what he has done to her family is absolutely disgusting. Your almost 18. I hope you pack up snd you snd your brother put dad on very low contact and go enjoy your moms family.
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
They weren't in my stepsiblings likes either so no. I believe they never met them.
I feel really sorry for your stebsiblings, but this is 100% the fault of your father and stepmother. They lied to their kids for years, and the lie came out. And now they're mad at everyone but them. They were the liars.
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
Yep. If my dad had accepted my grandparents and extended family wanted to see us, their actual family, none of this would have happened. Instead they got my stepsiblings to build a one sided relationship.
I know that you are not going to like what I have to say but I feel so bad for your step siblings. They have loved your grandparents from such young ages and when they had been growing up they would not understand the dynamics of everything going on. I have a step grandmother, and though we have a great relationship and we are close there have been a few times she called me stepgrandraughter and it killed me.
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
I get why you say it. I don't blame the kids. I blame the two adults who made sure it happened. Because they were very aware of the fact my grandparents saw my stepsiblings as nothing more than kids they had to include to see two of their grandkids.
Inheritance is not decided by you but by your parents. If your dad decides to give everything to the Cat. You got nothing to say about it. Focus on your own life and don’t talk about inheritances.
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
It's not decided by them either since this was from my grandparents technically.
YTA. And so is your family. This is beyond cruel to draw such a line between children. And then to not allow the kids in the grandchildren section is petty at best.
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
My stepsiblings were never anything to my mom's side of the family. So I don't see why it's cruel to draw that line.
Because your mom's family insisted that your stepsiblings could not be anything. That's cruel, especially to small children.
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
I don't think so. I think dad was worse to force them to include my stepsiblings. That was the only way they could see my brother and me after dad remarried. He would have denied us the relationship too.
No_Plantain_1699 OP responded:
NTA but your entire family is. I was a non-bio kid in a family and treated totally differently even though they were the only family I knew and had. It’s cruel and an old fashioned definition of family. Your dad and stepmother shouldn’t have demanded inclusion because that side of the family are toxic lunatics and you’d all be better off without them.
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
I'm glad I still have my extended family in my life and won't be ending contact between us over this. I love them. They're my family. I'm more angry my dad tried to deny my brother and me our family.
NTA. Essentially your dad held you and your brother hostage and forced your grandparents to accept and entertain the children of the woman who married their son in law, not even 2 years after their daughter’s death. What a horrible thing to do. This mess is entirely you dad & step moms fault. Did they also force you to call her mom?
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
They didn't force it but my dad encouraged it a loooot. We never called her mom though.
I don't think that part is right, but to have two kids involved in all the celebrations and things and to consider them as nothing more than hangers-on is cruel.
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
The thing is it was never because they wanted to include them. They had to. There were lots of times it was an argument until my grandparents gave in because they wanted just the two of us but dad said four or none. It was never going to make them love or want them. It was never my stepsiblings fault but they really should never have been included in any of it when it wasn't willing.
Yta for the specific question because a parent would absolutely expect ALL their children to be treated equitably and fairly in a family, but your entire family is atrocious! Especially your grandparents and aunts and uncles!
Those kids were 2 and 4 when they BECAME A PART OF THE FAMILY! They WERE in fact grandkids and should have been treated as such their whole lives.
The audacity of aunts and uncles to prevent your step siblings from sitting where they belonged is outrageous. And for your grandparents to have had relationships with those kids and faked it for a decade is cruel! You and your brother ABSOLUTELY should’ve stood up to your aunts and had them sit with you at the funeral!
Organic-Ear-819 OP responded:
I don't think my stepsiblings should have been included because they are not a part of my mom's family. If this was dad's, sure. But they were never the grandkids or nieces/nephews of my mom's side of the family. Nobody but my dad and stepmother wanted them to be included in that side.