'AITA for planning to stay with friends this summer instead of going home because I'm blamed for my blended family not being perfect?'
"AITA for planning to stay with friends this summer instead of going home because I'm blamed for my blended family not being perfect?"
I'm (18F) in college and I made plans to find a place with my friends this summer instead of going home. We're hoping to all live together anyway so it made sense for us to start now and stay close and work. For me the decision was easy because going home would make for a toxic summer. My dad disagrees and he's annoyed I won't come home.
The problem is we have a blended family and I'm not on the same page as everyone else. Dad has me, my sister (13) and my brother (12). My dad's wife has my stepbrother (12) and stepsister (10).
Everyone lost a parent. Me and my siblings lost our mom and my stepsiblings lost their dad. My siblings and step siblings consider dad and his wife their mom and dad and all of us siblings with no step in the title.
They don't even really see our individual dead parents as parents anymore. But I never saw it the same. My dad's wife is not my mom. I did not agree to it and when my dad and his wife adopted each other's kids, I was the exception to it.
And even though I don't hate my stepsiblings to me they are step siblings and they are not the same as my actual siblings. I don't love them particularly and while I like them it's not on the same level.
It meant feelings were hurt over the years since they married when I was 12. My dad's wife hated that I didn't see her as any kind of mom to me. She said even if I called her something like ma or mama it would mean a lot even if it wasn't mom.
She also said I could figure something else to call her if I was adopted and me refusing 25 times to be adopted upset her a lot. My dad got mad at me for hurting his wife's feelings.
My siblings didn't like me being outside of the family unit and they gave me grief for hurting dad's wife. Our relationship got so bad before I left because they said if everyone else saw us as just a family and not a blended family, why should I be different. They told me I was being selfish and ruining everything for them.
My stepsiblings knew on some level my relationship with them was different than the one with my siblings and it hurt their feelings because they saw me as a sister like they saw my siblings as their brother and sister. I was nice to them but not physically affectionate. It felt wrong. I didn't have that bond with them.
My dad and I fought a lot my final year at home. He told me I was preventing us from being a perfect family. He said I was bringing the household down by insisting on being different. He told me I had no good reason to reject being adopted "almost 50 times" which it wasn't that many and yeah I counted.
He said I should be grateful and should love his wife just for being so willing to adopt me. Then he'd call me a brat constantly. A few times he even told me he wished he could've forced the adoption against my wishes and made me "effing live with it".
A few days before I moved out we had our worst fight and he told me he would never forgive me for making it harder for him to move on. He said my desperation to cling to mom, my refusal to fully embrace the new family, and my unwillingness to move forward like he wanted was unforgivable in his eyes. He told me he felt like everyone would have been better off if I wasn't there.
I actually agree that they are. I visited for Christmas and it was clear there was a lot of sadness and tension. I didn't even stay with them. I stayed with my grandma for the two weeks I was home.
But my presence was enough to bring out the unhappy in them. I know it was in part because being away didn't change my feelings and I wasn't calling dad's wife my mom or anything when I came back. And while I missed my siblings they were the only people I actually missed and I suspect that was felt on some level. It made me realize I couldn't do that more.
Dad told me I should be staying for the summer and we should be focusing on our family bonds. That I will break my step siblings hearts and make them blame themselves and my siblings will feel like I stopped caring about them. That they still don't forgive me but they miss me anyway.
He told me I need to try and become a full part of the family and quit with the childish nonsense. I don't think it's childish but I know my dad and probably his wife disagree. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Nta your dad and his wife need to accept it. You are not rude to step siblings and being cordial is more than enough. Step mom need to accept that u were old enough when she came in your life and you don't need to see her as mom. Your dad need to understand he can't erase your mom.
Good they blended but they erased original mom dad for younger kids. They couldnt do it to you. If they want you back then they all need to accept that you care about your siblings more and step mom will never be mom. Accept it and be at peace!
NTA. Your father is so wrong in trying to erase your mother as a parent because she died and he’s moved on! Your mom will always be your mom! In an ideal world you would have embraced the new family dynamic but it’s not an ideal world and you are 100% right to express your thoughts and feelings.
Just because everyone else is embracing the new dynamic doesn’t mean you have to! Do you have people who you can trust and confide in?
MinuteSwell900 (OP)
I have people I've confided in a lot. I trust them all implicitly. They're more supportive than my dad has been in a long time, if ever.
NTA! It’s actually a smart idea to stay with friends!
I don’t understand how ppl miss the fact that OP (and kids like her) are significantly more likely to “join the family” when it’s an actual option and not a prison.
MinuteSwell900 (OP)
The problem is unless I fully join the way they want it's not enough. I could see them as my stepfamily but the step would be wrong for them. Or if I joined as family but dad's wife and her kids are not mom and siblings. It's not good enough. So I think the problem is there are people who want it all their own way and can't accept any form of compromise.
NTA, and your dad is acting so ridiculous about the whole thing he's lucky you have any contact with the family at all. I'm so sorry he thought he could force you into his happily ever after fairy tale.
I've never understood why parents think just because they found someone new to love, their children will automatically and enthusiastically love them, too. It's selfish and short-sighted behavior. I agree it's best that you don't go home for the summer and that you stay with your grandparents when you want to visit your siblings.