"AITA for blocking my brother-in-law after his mom died?"
My brother in law (29M, my husband’s brother) and his wife (29F) had a falling out with my MIL (57F, husband (26M) and BIL’s mom) 18 months ago. They have had a rocky relationship with MIL since the start of their marriage about 8ish years ago. That is a whole other story time in itself. Anyway, they went full no contact 18 months ago.
They have different values than MIL (MIL is a Christian, and they are not). They asked point blank who MIL voted for, and she declined to answer saying that that was a personal decision (I am not sure of the answer myself. I’m not even sure if she voted for anyone, but she maintained a private position). SIL blew up at MIL, cussing her out, and stating that she basically knows who MIL voted for based on that answer.
My husband called his brother (my BIL) out for the way SIL was talking to their mom and defended his mom. Saying that SIL needs to show more respect as a human being, and it was not okay for her to talk to their mom that way. Especially with no answer on who MIL even voted for (if anyone). SIL and BIL went full NC for 18 months with MIL.
BIL told his brothers (husband and husband’s younger brother (25M) that he needed to sort through some stuff before he talks with brothers again. This made us upset because my husband loves his brother. This happened right before the holiday season, and my husband and I just had a little girl 3 months prior (first niece/nephew and grandbaby). We respected their wishes though.
My husband kind of spiraled that year (he already struggles with anxiety and depression). He started seeing a counselor, and 18 months later, things were looking up. My MIL just got back from a cruise and was having a really bad cough. She went to the doctor and got a chest scan, thinking it was just pneumonia. The doctor saw the results and told her to immediately go to a hospital.
Upon admission, they did more tests and found she had masses on her liver, lungs, and pancreas. This came as a complete shock because MIL was seemingly healthy. No medications or symptoms to indicated something was wrong.
Uncle called BIL and SIL and told them they needed to come up to the hospital now because it was serious. They came, and that started us all talking again. My husband was devastated about the news from his mother but so glad to be talking with his brother again.
8 days later, MIL passed away. At the autopsy they found it was pancreatic cancer. She was surrounded by family, and all her boys were together. I was able to talk to SIL, and she seemed to genuinely care about how my husband was doing.
BIL and my husband were also able to chat in what seemed like a productive way/break through. This lessened the grief my husband had slightly because he had his brother back who he loves.
I started planning the COL to take some of the load off my husband and his family. They were having to deal with a bunch of legal stuff, so this was my way to lessen the load for them. On the day of the COL, 2 weeks after MIL passed, my husband and his younger brother get a notice of evection for the apartment, and they had to have everything moved out by the following day.
This was after the apartment complex stated they had a 30 day grace period to leave. They just needed a death certificate. Where I live, death certificates take 2-3 weeks to process. And the government was shut down on top of everything, so the process was taking a little longer. Still, it had only been 14 days and all this happening on the day of the COL.
We were able to band a bunch of people together (all my sisters, aunts, uncles, family friends, etc), and it took all day long the following day, but we were able to clear 85% of everything. Throughout the day, BIL and SIL kept asking about a ring that MIL had bought with a certain stone representing SIL.
We searched everything but were still unsure what they were talking about (SIL had left 1/2 through the move because she reported to have hurt her ankle). MIL had a standing desk that SIL/BIL were interested in, so we went ahead and packed it to be moved to their place.
The next morning, my husband and I went back to the apartment to finish moving things out of the garage. SIL/BIL were working on cleaning out the garage the day before until SIL had to leave. Our piano was missing which MIL was holding for us as well as old, sentimental piano books from MIL’s grandmother (side note, MIL was going by the same name that she had called her grandmother.
My daughter is the only grandchild still and had just started calling MIL that name). We asked BIL/SIL if they had seen our piano, and they casually replied that they had. They saw a box labeled piano with some books and went ahead and moved it to their place.
Keep in mind, the only things that the brothers had divided up was stuff going to younger brothers apartment because he was now having to live on his own and find a new apartment.
Everything else was going to a storage unit to be divided up later. There was a few valuable things in husband and I’s possession we had moved out of the apartment first, so they wouldn’t be messed up/moved/lost in the move. These, also, were to be divided up after the move, and we had full transparency with all brothers as to what these items were.
We told them they could borrow the piano until after everything was moved, but we would like it back as it was just something MIL was holding for us (we did not have enough room at our place at the time). They told us we could pick it up whenever, and they would hold it for us in the meantime.
This day (now 16 days after MIL passed) we were able to locate the ring SIL had been asking about (I think it was with younger brother). I had to pick up my daughter, but my husband was able to drive to BIL’s place to drop the ring off and pick up our piano/books.
2 hours later, someone told us that SIL had posted online comparing her engagement ring to the one that MIL had bought in honor of SIL. SIL was saying how similar the rings looked and was part of the reason she went NC with MIL. (Side note, the rings look nothing alike. Think oval, cloudy cut VS round, clear stone cut with swirls (pictures for reference).
I’ll be honest, I took great offense to this. An online post seemed disrespectful and disappointing. MIL had passed 16 days previously with family still grieving. SIL is allowed to feel conflicted. I don’t know everything that went down between them. The whole “respect the dead” and their grieving family came to mind. She passed 16 days ago, and SIL is posting bad posts about MIL for the whole grieving family to see.
My husband took a breath and called to ask BIL to call him when he could. They were able to talk on the phone and (to my husband’s credit) he calmly asked BIL to talk to SIL about taking the post down. He reiterated that they were entitled to feel the way they do about this situation, but asked to keep this offline for now as family is still grieving from this unexpected loss.
(Giving my husband credit because he is a very passionate person, but was able to talk calmly in a loving and respectful way). BIL was receptive and said he would talk to SIL. 5 minutes later SIL calls my husband, and he lets it go to voicemail. In the voicemail, she starts cussing my husband out, talking badly about MIL, and saying she wants nothing to do with him.
My husband sends BIL a text saying he was sorry things turned out the way they did, and SIL wants nothing to do with us. BIL responds saying this is why he has felt like an outsider with the way we treat him and his wife and to only contact him for legal purposes.
My husband did not respond and has blocked both of them (requested me to do the same) as his heart cannot handle this, and he needs to protect his peace. So, am I the AH for blocking BIL after his mom died?
*for extra context, I am a very shy and private person. I feel deeply, but I have a VERY hard time speaking out/reaching out. Especially when it’s my husband’s family, and I don’t feel I have a place to state my opinion. Rather, I’m a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. This is why I don’t mention my responses much because I never spoke out. I stayed on the outside and supported my husband through this.
This is what people had to say to OP:
TemporaryOwlet said:
It's obvious that rings are different and someone is delusional
AnnNonNeeMous said:
I’m petty…just sayin’… First of all, the rings look nothing alike. Second of all, your sister-in-law‘s fingers got fat and can’t even fit her engagement ring. What the heck is she even whining about? Oh, and NTA.
helloitsmoii said:
The rings don’t look alike.
No, I didn’t read any of that.
prettykittychat said:
NTA, but how are you going to get your piano back? SIL seems toxic af.
Stormtomcat said:
come on. OP is a massively unreliable narrator.
- the mother-son relationship was always rocky & it got worse at his wedding 8 years ago, but "that is a whole other story"? Girl, please, that context is crucial
- the ring debacle happened 7 years ago, again without any context. Maybe SIL is overreacting, maybe MIL never wore gold jewelry except for this one ring, which, while it's not a twin to the engagement ring is obviously a cousin, eh.
And she presents all this in a messy way, making it seem like this all happened in a few weeks right before her MIL died.
OP responded:
That’s why I’m trying to see if I’m the AH. Because I know they’ve had a rocky relationship, and she is allowed to feel the way she does. I am still grieving as well. MIL and I did have a good relationship. MIL is not a perfect angel and has made some mistakes.
Older brother was living with MIL at the time. He was going to spend the night over at SIL’s place. MIL is old school and drew a line, saying this was not right. He went anyway as he is an adult, so she told him to find a place of his own.
Since then, MIL has been trying to make up for her mistakes (hence, they were still talking) and their relationship improved. MIL bought the ring in honor of SIL. I’m sorry it’s presented in a messy way. I’m not a writer at all, and I was trying to give context into this situation.