'AITA for blocking my sister-in-law and telling my fiancé I don’t want her at our wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for blocking my sister-in-law and telling my fiancé I don’t want her at our wedding?"

I (25F) have been with my now fiancé (26M) for a little over a year. He proposed to me back in early March and ever since I have felt that my SIL (23F) has begun to dislike me. I found out that a few days before my fiancé proposed, my SIL overheard the conversation he was having with my MIL about my ring and the proposal and completely exploded on him.

She told him how it was too soon and that she was supposed to be the one to get engaged first. My fiancé and I had many conversations about marriage and we felt getting engaged after a year was perfect for us. My SIL has been with her boyfriend (21M) for a little over 2 years. I didn’t say anything to her about this because I didn’t think it was my place and I figured his family would have a conversation with her.

Apparently there was a conversation but when she texted my fiancé later, she basically told him that she was happy for him but was still standing firm on how she felt. Fast forward to June. I have been wanting to talk to her about why there’s been a shift in her behavior towards me but didn’t know how.

She shot me down when I asked if she wanted to come wedding dress shopping in May, she watches all of my stuff on instagram but never likes anything, and she’s never told me congratulations. I decided yesterday to reach out to her and when I did I prefaced that I wasn’t trying to attack her or argue, I just wanted to have an open conversation about how she’s feeling.

I genuinely wish that I would’ve just left it alone, because she quite literally exploded on me. She told me that I’ve been disrespectful and dismissive of her boyfriend and parents on multiple occasions. She then went on to insinuate that I was probably going to divorce her brother and break his heart, and that she would be the one to pick up all the pieces and lift him up in life.

And finished it off by confirming that she does talk about me behind my back because she hasn’t seen me in her house to confront me. I responded to all of her points, just expressing that I’ve never been disrespectful and her saying those things about her brother and I were heartbreaking. I also reiterated that we are different ages, so what makes sense for us probably won’t always make sense for her.

She then doubled down while beginning to curse at me and said that we have a higher chance of getting divorced since I wanted to rush into marriage and the only reason I wanted to get engaged was because I heard her and her boyfriend argue about it 24/7. Just to preface, my fiancé and I got engaged after a year and will be getting married after two years, we will also be living together starting in December.

She was really upset about the age thing and even said that I accused her boyfriend of bringing another girl home (the conversation was me asking if he had a sister since neither myself nor my fiancé knew who she was and once she confirmed that, that was the end of the conversation).

She called me delusional and weird and finished off her message by saying “my point is I'm only going to the wedding to support my brother." I immediately blocked her on everything because I felt the entire thing was toxic.

I told my fiancé that I don’t want her at the wedding because there’s no way she thinks she can speak to me like this and still think she’s invited. I’ve even been considering trashing the micro wedding idea and just eloping. I also sent the entire conversation to my MIL because I didn’t want there to be any question on if what I was saying was true or just me twisting words.

Now because of this my MIL told them both (my fiancé and SIL) that they have to come over next week for a family meeting, so I’ll see how that goes. Part of me is upset that I even said anything because I genuinely wanted to resolve this whole thing, but the other half is happy because now I know what I’ve been feeling this whole time wasn’t just in my head. Anyways, AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Beneficial-Ball-8375 wrote:

NTA. Although, in my opinion, that’s your fiancee's sister therefore that is his battle. The entitlement of said sister is a very red flag, but even more telling is the fact that she basically admitted that you (and your wedding plans) are just a proxy-issue. The real struggle in her life is her boyfriend and [quote] the fact that they argue 24/7 about their own wedding/engagement.

This is just her (very poor) way of having an outlet for her very own frustrations and you just became her scapegoat. Good for you to say no to this and to do it full force 100% and immediately.

OP responded:

Her boyfriend has been in France since January and comes back next month (he’s training to be a chef). I thought they would’ve gotten engaged before he left since she expressed wanting that but when it didn’t happen, I just figured it would when he got back. When he was still here, they were arguing all of the time.

So much to the point where I thought they were going to break up, but they’re still together. I’m sure this happening while he was gone bothered her, but I even told her their relationship wasn’t a considering factor when the topic of getting engaged came up between my fiancé and I because I didn’t think it was necessary.

Present-Duck4273 wrote:

What has your fiancé said about all of this? Was he bothered she was icing you out and how/what she said when you tried to address it? How is he with the idea his sister isn’t invited? It sounds like his sister is taking her jealousy out on you. She thought she’d be married first and her bf doesn’t sound like he is ready (no offense to her, but that is understandable at 21).

Seeing her brother propose after dating half as long clearly triggered her. Her feelings are valid. She can be upset that she isn’t engaged yet and be jealous. However, and it’s a huge however, she should not be taking out those feelings on you (or your fiancé). Sister or not, I don’t know how you include someone in your wedding who is hoping for you to divorce.

That is very hard to come back from and really not up to you to fix. Either SIL realizes she messed up and gives a huge, genuine apology or more than likely she buckles down and continues this view. The big thing here will be what MIL and fiancé come back with.

Do one or both of them ask you to let it go because she’s family? Do they make her give an apology that is clearly ingenuous and then expect you to let it go? Or do they call her out on it and hold her accountable for her behavior? Once you see that, you will have a clearer view forward.

OP responded:

He’s upset with how upset it has made me. At one point he said “I know but she was rude in her response and clearly doesn’t want to fix or make anything better, and I don’t want her to be a reason your stressing out” because in spite of everything she was saying to me, I don’t want to mess up his relationship with his sister.

Thank you for your thoughts. I’ve been thinking about how their talk could go and I’m hoping with her parents seeing physical evidence of what she said to me, it’ll be a situation where she’s held accountable and things aren’t just swept under the rug. I told my MIL that her feelings are valid to the extent of being upset that she’s not engaged yet, but that does not excuse her being outright disrespectful to me.

Academic_Current_723 wrote:

It sounds like to me SIL is jealous you got engaged first and is projecting this onto you. You're sadly the easiest target to direct her anger towards as well as the blame when in reality she needs to have a conversation with her boyfriend where she wants them to be heading in the relationship.

Even if I'm wrong her behavior was very rude although I'm a wuse and would have never said anything. NTA op. Good luck with the family meeting.

OP responded:

She told me everyone expected her to get engaged first, I’m assuming because she’s been with her boyfriend for longer(I did not, I just figured it would happen for the both of us at some point). I even told her that I wasn’t racing to get engaged first, it’s just how everything played out.

[deleted] wrote:

SIL is major jealous its not her engaged first. So instead is trying to trash you and her brother with intent to ruin your happiness. SIL is definitely immature besides younger. Then her boyfriend is younger yet, I highly doubt he has marriage on his mind when he's only just 21yr.

Dating for 2yrs means nothing for marriage success, since she’s comparing. I don't blame you for not wanting her attending the wedding? SIL owes major apology to you and her brother? Let me know what happens from family meeting?

OP responded:

My MIL even said that she’s not ready to be engaged and that they are way too young, but I didn’t throw that in her face because that’s not my place and I didn’t think it was right.

I won’t be present for the family meeting which I honestly think is best. She has issues with change and I think she’s used to being the center of attention a lot of the time, so I think having a 1 on 1 conversation with her parents and my fiancé without me there will hopefully be good. I’ll find out next Tuesday evening what all went down though.

Six weeks later, OP shared an update.

A few people asked me to update so here I am, although I will say this is going to be a pretty long post so just fair warning. Anyways, they had their family meeting at the beginning of July and I was not present for this.

My fiancé filled me in on a lot of what was said, and in my opinion it went better than I expected. It went better in the sense that, my in-laws tried to put my SIL in my shoes. So there were of lot of questions of “How would you feel if she said that to you” or “How would you feel if someone was treating you this way”, with these questions she had no real answer so no real progress there.

To me that shows that she knows her behavior is bad enough that she wouldn’t want to be treated that way, but not enough that she understands that she shouldn’t treat me that way or anyone else. My fiancé told me that my MIL told her if she said to choose between her fiancé/future and her piece of you know what sister, she would choose her fiancé every time.

They even asked my SIL if it was reversed and my fiancé was treating her that way what would she choose and she immediately said her boyfriend. So again, there’s an understanding that she would never want to be treated that way but not enough to not do it to others. I was told that my in-laws were and still are upset about the situation, so they were addressing her behavior but I’m not sure how extensively.

I know there are probably a lot of other details that I’m not aware of simply because I wasn’t there and my fiancé tried his best to relay everything back to me. At the end of the conversation, my in-laws asked if I would be willing to sit down with everyone and have a conversation on how we can move forward.

Initially, I was extremely hesitant(this was a sign), but eventually I decided it could possibly be a good thing and we could potentially move forward although I was still standing firm in not wanting her at the wedding. My SIL wanted to wait until her boyfriend got back so we had to wait for that.

Fast forward to last Thursday, my fiancé told me that my SIL texted him saying they were doing a lunch on Sunday (yesterday) and that everyone was invited. I figured this was going to be the meeting that my in laws were wanting to have. I told my fiancé that although I was pretty nervous about the whole thing, I was willing to go because I genuinely just wanted the whole thing to be done.

It has taken a lot out of me emotionally and mentally, and so I was ready to find a way to move forward. So we get there (my fiancé and SILs shared apartment) and I will admit that it was awkward. I felt like I was going to throw up before we walked in from the anxiety so I was not having a good time.

I spoke to everyone and hugged my in laws but I didn’t speak to my SIL, mainly because I didn’t know if she was take it poorly and I also didn’t really want to. My SILs boyfriend (absolute angel) cooked lunch which was really nice and so for a bit things were calm and I was getting a little more relaxed but not 100%. After lunch was when the talk/meeting started. My in-laws basically mediated the whole thing.

A lot of the main points were they wanted things to get figured out so it wouldn’t always be like this. They didn’t want it to be uncomfortable for anyone, they want to be able to get together for holidays and other things, especially since kids will be in the picture sooner or later. Most of the time my SIL wasn’t really interested in the conversation, but once she was it kinda just went downhill.

A lot of her responses were “I’m not sorry," “I said what I said." “She started it by sending me that long message." She made some comments about how she was being nice because she didn’t start anything when I came in the house which made me feel like I couldn’t really speak up. Like it was a warning that she was being nice but that she could flip at any moment.

Anything that my in laws said was met with pretty much the same response of “I said what I said”, there was a lot of “I don’t want to be her best friend” even though no one even mentioned that or asked her to, and she even told my MIL that she didn’t want to share her family with anyone.

My SIL's boyfriend chimed in at one point and brought up how I sent that message right when they were going through a bad rough patch (which I didn’t know because it’s not my business) but even with that happening it doesn’t excuse her behavior at all.

It ultimately came to a destructive end when my FIL brought how he would hope that eventually we could be on good terms and that things might change. My SIL said “I mean okay yea eventually things could change but right now I don’t like this f***ing b**ch”. I can’t even tell you what everyone said after that because I was in full blown panic mode and had tunnel vision.

I do remember my MIL “Wow insert SILs name”, but that’s about it. I left and went into my fiancé bedroom because I had just reached my limit and I cried. After that my fiancé and SIL got into a screaming match and I could hear my in laws chiming in but then my SIL started crying (I found out later this was because she felt like everyone was attacking her).

My fiancé eventually came in to check on me and told me that we could leave, he just wanted me to take a moment to breathe and catch my breath. We talked for a bit and then my MIL asked to come in. She profusely apologized to me and although it’s her daughter, she’s still technically a grown woman and is responsible for her own actions.

I explained to her that I don’t know that I’ve done something wrong unless it’s communicated to me, and the only reason I really knew that I had done something was because I texted her trying to communicate and it was taken poorly. I said that I had no ill intent whatsoever with sending the message although I do understand how some things could have been taken negatively or as a dig on her end.

I told both my fiancé and MIL that if I had any idea that this was how things were going to go, I would have never said anything. I told her I appreciated the thought of trying to help the situation but at this point there was nothing I could say or do that would make the situation better and I didn’t feel comfortable staying, so we left.

It’s a hot mess and it honestly sucks that this is how it played out, but that’s where things are at the moment and probably will stay for quite awhile so it is what it is. It goes without saying that she definitely won’t be at the wedding and now we’re trying to decide if we want just our parents there or if we just want it to be the two of us. Anyways, that’s the update.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

refried_beanzz wrote:

Idk why you keep apologizing. Being an adult means addressing issues in a polite manner, which you did. Get a shiny spine for yourself and tell your b#$ch SIL to go straight to hell. MIL and FIL need to butt out at this point. No more family meetings. She’s an unhinged child and should not be welcome to your wedding or around you at all.

OP responded:

I agree with the no more family meetings. It’s obviously not doing anyone any good and it’s honestly just stressful to go through. I never thought this would be my life, but here we are.

anonamon wrote:

Your sister-in-law clearly doesn't want to be your friend, and honestly, she already had signs. I understand that some people need closure or clarification, and that's why you sent a message. Throughout the meeting, she made it clear that she didn't want to be your friend.

She doesn't need to be your friend; she just needs to be polite, and your in-laws and fiancés need to give up on the idea that everything will work out and you can become friends. What you shouldn't compromise on is respect and politeness.

OP responded:

Oh yeah, I totally understand that now and I never felt like she had to be my friend I just wanted a decent relationship with her. She just wasn’t like this before I got engaged to her brother.

She would text me for advice or come to me physically if I was over there. She asked me to go with her to buy her truck just a month before we got engaged. That’s the part that was confusing for me because it was like a switch flipped when she found out her brother had my ring.

hard_tyrant_dinosaur wrote:

Reading both of your posts, I doubt your FSIL's behavior towards you is rooted in anything of how you have behaved towards her. Her issue is almost certainly rooted somewhere in her mind. Don't feel like that message you sent somehow makes it your fault either.

Her issue with you clearly started well before you sent that message to try to clear the air, no matter what she may claim. How she was behaving towards you was why you were sending the message to begin with. If you hadn't sent the message, I suspect things would have still ended up leading to somewhere similar to where you are now. It just would have been something else that triggered it.

I also doubt that there was anything else that you might have done further back that could be to blame either. If there was, she probably would have dragged it out during her blow-up when all y'all tried to talk things out. If there was something else you did prior that upset her, it does not seem like she would have hesitated to dredge it up.

That she has not, either now or during the prior time your ILs tried to talk to her, strongly suggests that there is nothing you did. The best thing to do here is probably to stop trying to bring her around. Your fiancé should set boundaries around her behavior towards you, then drop the rope and move on.

You should be involved in crafting the boundaries, but he needs to be the one to lay them out to her and enforce them. It's not worth any more effort on your parts. Either she will face up to her issues or she won't.

OP responded:

Thank you for this, I genuinely appreciate it. I understand now that me sending her that message came at a really bad time for her, but I also had no idea that she was going through anything in her personal life. My in-laws mentioned that because of the timing of everything going on, anything could’ve set her off at that moment it just happened to be me.

My SIL brought up during the meeting that she’s a very bold and straightforward person, but not once had she ever personally told me that I had done anything to upset or offend her.

I’m disappointed by how everything played out but a big part of me is also really thankful it happened now and not on my wedding day or some other event where I would’ve been blindsided. It helps me know how to move forward and what not to do.

[deleted] wrote:

Tbh it sounds like even if you weren't engaged she'd still have a problem with you existing as her brother's partner.

OP responded:

She had previously said that she felt like I was the reason why my fiancé doesn’t talk to her as much, like he isn’t a grown man who’s capable of making his own decisions.

ddd7890 wrote:

I think I'd still have the micro wedding. Why should your families be excluded just because of her actions. It'll send a message that you both aren't putting up with her BS and your plans won't change because of it.

OP responded:

I think the biggest issue is we’re going to get married on the west coast and then have to pretty immediately fly to the east coast for the celebration/reception. It’s more about doing what makes the most sense for all the family involved and not necessarily trying to exclude anyone, besides her of course.