'AITA for blocking my son’s girlfriend on Instagram and refusing to apologize?'
"AITA for blocking my son’s girlfriend on Instagram and refusing to apologize?"
Hi, I (49F) and my husband (53M) have a son (18M) who’s been dating his GF (17F) for 11 months. He was diagnosed with ADHD and on the spectrum (ASD). This is his first relationship. There already have been several problems in the past:
- Last summer during his 18th birthday party, he spent more than half the party locked in the bathroom with her while she cried that “his friends didn’t care about her”, “nobody loves her”, the whole party ended up revolving around her.
- A few weeks later, he was supposed to spend a few days with his best chilhood friend who moved away. She came with us to drop him off, but ended up crying in the garden, saying she couldn’t be without him for 3 days. He left with us instead of staying.
- In September, he went to that same friend’s 18th birthday party. She didn’t go this time. We had a good time, returned a 4AM so I let him sleep. At 9 AM, she called me asking if he was on his way to see her (I didn't know he was supposed to).
I said he was still resting as we returned very late. I went to see him and he called her back and she told him to “Get his ass right here or there'll be hell to pay.” I got upset and told her he wasn’t in any shape to drive.
He left anyway, saying he was a POS to upset her, then called later saying they’d had a big fight and he was thinking about breaking up. We texted back and forth, I tried to tell him she wasn’t treating him with respect. He finally stayed with her, but she read our messages and said she wouldn’t speak to me unless I apologized for saying that. I gave in to avoid more drama.
- Another time, they picked me up after a work trip. I was sick and exhausted, and apparently I “ignored” her. (It wasn’t intentional, I was just out of it.) She caused another scene, and I again apologized and explained we were dealing with a lot (health, finances, etc.). She got more upset and said I was minimizing her feelings.
There have been more situations like this. Most recently, our son finished his first year of college and was supposed to start a summer job at McDonald’s. He applied himself — we didn’t push him.
The day before signing the contract, she broke down crying, saying they wouldn’t see each other enough (she knew for 2 months he was going to work and never said anything). He went to comfort her, then texted us saying he wasn’t going to take the job.
I lost it. I blocked her on Instagram, and my husband told our son we wouldn’t give him spending money if he chose not to work. He did take the job — but quit after a week.
Now, she won’t come to our house unless I apologize again. I’ve refused. As a result, we barely see our son. He’s stuck in the middle, unhappy, but doesn’t know how to manage the situation — conflict has always been hard for him. So... AITA?
As I’ve mentioned several times in comments, I blocked her because I didn’t want any more drama. She has a history of twisting things, and I didn’t want my IG account to be treated that way.
It wasn’t meant as a punishment or a childish impulse. She had previously read private messages I sent to my son while he was asleep, and I wanted to prevent that from happening again.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA- unfortunately you kinda got to let your son figure it out. Being blocked on insta is such a non-issue its hilarious that it was the tipping point. Do you really want her coming over anyway?
_Depressed--Btch_ (OP)
yeah I didn't think it was such a great deal. Honestly, blocking her on Instagram wasn’t a big deal to me — I just didn’t want her seeing my stories and over interpreting things again. No I don't want to see her anymore but I want to see my son and not just when he comes for fresh clothes...
If he doesn't want to see you, you cant force him to. All you can do is continue to support him while he figures it out.
The problem is that your son is in his first puppy love and doesn't realize he's being used. And that kind of behavior doesn't go away. It's going to get worse. She's still a minor. Boohoo, they don't spend all that much time together.
They shouldn't. He has school and he needs to work. She's going to need to so something other than be a couch princess. He's letting her cut him off from any social safety net.
The only thing you can really do is just let him know "Son, I love you, I will always love you, but I'm not okay with how this relationship is. I feel that it's toxic for you, and that's not going to change. Ever.
So you are always welcome here, but she is not. If you want to talk about this further, we can always do it here. If you feel cut off, you can come here. But I'm not catering to her juvenile little narcissistic tantrums over not being everyone's main character.
She's not mine. I am. Then your father. Then you. In that order. If she's going to be your main character, then we're going to see less of each other. I'm too old for teenage drama BS. I'm here when you need me, but you need to keep her away. I hope you're happy, I wish you nothing else but happiness, but I'm not supporting this relationship." NTA.
_Depressed--Btch_ (OP)
That's exactly what we told him — that we'll always be here for him, but her behavior is toxic and we don't condone it. I told him that from the very first argument. But I always get the same response: 'You don’t know everything, she has trauma…'
I tried to explain that it's good to acknowledge her trauma and be mindful of it, but he’s not her doctor or her savior — and it doesn’t give her the right to treat him poorly. He deserves as much respect as he gives her. But it fell on deaf ears...