'AITA for blowing up at my brother and his 'wife' when I'd had enough of their lies and manipulation?'

"AITA for finally blowing up at my brother and his fiancée?"

I finally snapped and just need some advice because now I’m being told I should’ve “just let it go,” but I’m done being the bigger person while my family gets walked all over.

I (30F) have a younger brother "Ryan" (21M). He started dating "Camy" (20F) about a year ago and brought her to our family Christmas after a few weeks of dating. She was distant, barely said a word, clung to Ryan the whole time, and didn’t introduce herself to anyone. It was awkward, but we gave her grace—figured she was shy.

A month later, Ryan asked if Camy could come to my wedding. We were having a super small, intimate wedding (under 50 guests), and I’d only met her twice. My wife and I had already cut close friends and extended family due to budget. Still, after pressure from my mum and stepdad, we agreed on the condition they pay for her meal.

They showed up, stayed two hours, then bailed because Camy was "overwhelmed." We’d already told Ryan it would be a lot for her. It was annoying, but we let it go.

Then April rolls around and we find out on Facebook they’re engaged. They’d been together less than 5 months. No one in our family knew. He proposed with only her family present. Ryan is normally super close to us—so yeah, it stung to be left out of something that major. But once again, we let it go.

Then the red flags really started waving. Camy never speaks directly to us at family dinners, unless we initiate conversation. She whispers to Ryan like we’re strangers or not in the room. Sometimes they disappear mid-visit because she “needs a break,” or they don’t come at all.

On Mother’s Day, they ghosted my mum entirely. Which also happened to be the day my 13 year old cat passed away, I had gotten her when I was 16 so she was an animal Ryan grew up with too. I was devastated. I didn't even get a text from him. Two weeks later? He called me to ask for my Disney+ password because Camy wanted to watch a show.

And yes, I gave it. I was struggling with my mental health big time at this point and just wanted to be the bigger person.

Then in July, Ryan called me on a Sunday night to say they were having an “unofficial wedding”, with no celebrant or paper work that Thursday. Four days' notice. It was at 6pm, 1.5 hours away, and I work full-time until 5:30.

I asked him to push it back a few weeks so more family could come, especially since our sister was about to give birth, and our bio dad was flying down as he lives in another state. Overall, It just seemed really last minute. He ignored those messages and didn't respond.

Turns out, it was clearly planned well in advance. Camy had a full-on wedding dress. Her mum flew in from another state. She had bridesmaids, all wearing matching colours. So her family got plenty of notice, while ours got a four-day heads-up.

I didn’t go in the end, after multiple discussions with my mum, I just couldn't support it even if it was unofficial. My mum made it—barely. Still in her pediatric ward scrubs, she threw on her only nice coat which was unfortunately a darker cream colour but wanted to avoid being photographed in Hello Kitty gear.

Camy waited a few minutes after my mum begged her so that my stepdad who works 2 hours away could arrive in time, but was cold and hostile to my mum for the rest of the night.

The next day, my mum got vile messages from Ryan’s account, accusing her of “ruining” their wedding by wearing cream. The tone and phrasing made it obvious Camy had written it. My mum was heartbroken. She didn’t even have time to change but she showed up out of love and support.

My mum was already stressed out enough with my sister going into labour at any second and her big 50th birthday dinner coming up. So she requested that we all bit our tongues again and just leave it.

Then August comes around. Ryan visits our Nana (our bio dad’s mum) to pay her back for car repairs she helped him with. It’s was her birthday. She asked where Camy was, Ryan claimed she was at her dad’s. But when Ryan went to go find my pop to give him the money my nana had looked out the window and saw Camy sitting in the front seat the whole time.

Being the loud, ethnic grandma she is, she went out to invite her in. Camy refused. They left. Not long after, Ryan texted our dad: “Tell your mother she can GTFO." I lost it. Apparently, Camy claimed Nana said horrible things to her and said she would hit her if she didn't get out of the car. Now my Nana is more blunt than cruel.

She does say wild things sometimes, she's old, loves to have a wine in the afternoon and has no filter, but I’ve never known her to threaten anyone and in my own experience (and I was in an abusive relationship for years before I met my wife), the worst she ever said to my ex was “why are you taking my granddaughter away from me?”

I messaged Ryan and told him I was disgusted and disappointed. Lying to Nana. Disrespecting her on her birthday. And sending that kind of message after everything she's done for him financially and emotionally? I told him to grow up, that he couldn’t keep burning bridges with people who support him just because Camy feels “uncomfortable.”

Then—surprise—Camy responded from his phone. Not even hiding it. She accused me of never supporting Ryan, of never making plans with him, of not understanding their boundaries, and acted like I’m some outsider who’s never tried. She claimed they don’t “lie” and said I was attacking them for simply having feelings. So I fired back. I told her:

- I wasn’t talking to her, I was talking to my brother.

- I did make an effort. I invited them to Easter dinner and offered to pay for fuel. I messaged them when my cat died. I reached out more than once.

- I pointed out that I work full time, study full time, and yeah, maybe I don’t always reach out—but neither does he. Relationships are a two-way street.

- She’s been part of our family for less than a year. She does not get to act like she knows him better than the rest of us.

- And texting from his account to insult people—his parents, his grandmother, his siblings—is controlling and manipulative. If she wants to attack me, she can do it from her own damn phone.

I also told her:

Just because you or Ryan feel something doesn’t mean everyone else has to agree. Feelings are valid—but so is everyone else’s right to set boundaries when they feel disrespected. Her response? “FU.”
 Then she blocked me from Ryan’s Facebook.

Now a couple family members think I went too far and should’ve just let my parents deal with it. My mum is asking me to apologize and smooth things over before our next Christmas.

But after nearly a year of emotional manipulation, ghosting, double standards, and straight-up hostility, I’d had enough. I finally said what everyone else was too scared to say. So…
AITA for finally snapping and calling them out, even if it caused a massive blowup?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Significant_Alps3267 said:

Do not apologize! Tbh I would have said worst or throw hands lol. But your brother should have handled this from the beginning but he’s her doormat and doesn’t have a backbone. Cut out toxic people in your life for peace, family or not.

Gust_2012 said:

NTA. I'd change the password to your Disney+ if you haven't already.

HelpfulMaybeMama said:

You did fine. He'll have to figure it out on his own. NTA.

AllAboutTheQueso said:

You have nothing to apologize for and you need to prepare your mother now that she most likely will not see them at Christmas even if you did apologize.

chez2202 said:

NTA. Don’t apologise. You did nothing wrong. But you do need to talk to your mother. Because she seems to think that Camy is some fragile soul who needs to be pandered to. She isn’t. She is manipulative. And it’s working.

So tell your mother that Camy needs to apologize to you and your Nana or there won’t BE a family Christmas because your Nana and Grandpa will be spending Christmas with you and your wife and she will be spending Christmas with her son and a DIL who will walk out after an hour of ignoring anyone else who is there.