'AITA for blowing up at my co-worker after he made accusations about my relationship?' UPDATED

"Am I wrong for 'blowing up' at a coworker when he judged me?"

I’m a relatively new employee at my job (about 4 months now) and since I work in the accounting department and it’s tax time, my team is working working some weekends to get the corporation’s tax documents together. It’s been pretty laid back on weekends and we have some downtime while waiting for other offices in other countries to send info to us.

Yesterday my team was waiting for our counterparts in another country to send some documents and so a few of us were chatting. There’s one member of the team (I’ll call him Jesse) who mostly works from home so I’ve only interacted with him in person about 3 times before yesterday, so I barely know him at all.

Some time in the group conversation I mentioned my girlfriend (Morgan) and I trying a new type of restaurant that just opened and how we both really liked the food so I was going to try to find some recipes from that country and I’d have her to my apartment to try the dish I make.

Jesse asks how long we’ve been going out and I said almost 3 years. He looked confused and asked why we don’t live together if we’ve been dating for that long. I answered that due to our religious beliefs we won’t live together until we’re married.

For background, my girlfriend and I both grew up in religious families and we still believe in what we were taught growing up. We both believe in waiting until marriage for physical intimacy of any kind, as well as living together. If other people want to live differently, that’s great for them.

I don’t think they’re wrong for making their own decisions. Everyone lives their own life and as long as their choices don’t harm others, I couldn’t care less. Live and let live. But when I said we don’t believe in living together before marriage, he got this sour look on his face and said he lives with his girlfriend and asked if I’d judge him for that.

I said he’s free to do whatever he wants. I don’t judge others for doing things that differ from what I do. Then he started on a rant about how I’m clearly controlling my girlfriend by not allowing her to “express herself” and how I’m making all the rules in the relationship because I think I’m better than my girlfriend and what I say is law because that’s just how “people like me are with women.”

The others in the group looked confused and told him to relax because he doesn’t know me or my girlfriend, much less our relationship dynamic. Our supervisor came out of his office and asked what was going on, which made Jesse rant again about me being controlling and cruel. I chose to go back to my cubicle because I just wanted to disengage that point.

Throughout the next few hours he walked by my cubicle making passive aggressive comments about me, which I ignored. At the end of our day I went outside to wait for Morgan because she was picking me up for a date and had borrowed my car for the day. Jesse came out, shot me a nasty look, and walked toward his own car. Morgan pulled into the parking lot and got out of the driver’s seat so I could drive.

I guess this set Jesse off because he walked back over to where we were and loudly berated me for not “allowing” Morgan to drive (even though she was literally just driving) and then asked Morgan if she was okay. Morgan was confused and said she was more than fine.

Jesse launched back into his rant about me being controlling because I won’t allow Morgan to be intimate and she deserves a better man more like him since he lets his girlfriend express herself physically. This confused Morgan even more and she gave me a look that let me know she wanted to get out of there. So I opened the passenger door for her to get in and started to walk to the driver’s side.

Jesse grabbed Morgan’s arm way too hard, which was not okay with me. I immediately turned around and yanked his hand off Morgan’s arm, then told him to keep his hands off her. I made sure she got in the car and locked the door, then I told him how I felt about him. I said if that’s the way he treats his girlfriend, I feel bad for her, and I hope she rethinks their entire relationship because he’s the controlling one.

He’s a pathetic human if he thinks other people having different ways of living is somehow an attack on him and his manhood. Then I said if he ever speaks to Morgan in that way again, I’ll file a complaint with HR for harassment. After that I got in the car and drove away.

Fast forward to today, I woke up to an email from HR telling me I have a mandatory meeting with my supervisor, Jesse, and an HR staff member tomorrow morning. I called my supervisor and he told me Jesse filed a complaint on me for “blowing up at him for no reason” yesterday.

He’s obviously aware of how Jesse was being yesterday so he’s going to back me up. He also said he’s asking for the security video from the parking lot to be given to HR because he doesn’t think I was the aggressor but the recording will show everything.

I doubt I’m going to be fired or anything so I’m not worried there. But was I wrong to “blow up” at him for his comment and behavior? Should I have just stayed quiet? This is my first real job out of college so I’m questioning if I broke some unspoken rule about working in a corporate setting.

This is what people had to say to OP:

Impressive_Plant_643 said:

I’m here for this update!

Based on what you shared, Your coworker was way out of line on every level good luck!

TaylorMade2566 said:

You broke no rules and were just avoiding a confrontation until he grabbed your gf. He honestly deserves to be fired for his behavior towards you, then his manhandling of your gf but no idea if management will have the guts to do it. YNW

OP responded:

I’m only 22, so I was questioning if I broke an unspoken rule about working in that kind of setting. I don’t have a lot of experience here yet.

quasimidge said:

He was completely out of line BUT he crossed a really big one when he grabbed your partner. He was the aggressor in every "dispute" you had in such a short time frame.

Make sure you point that out and that he continued to escalate despite you explaining your innocent comment. It sounds to me like he has some issues that are completely unrelated to you and his behaviour is... well, "unprofessional" doesn't cut it. It's the aggression for me. It has no place at work. Or in life. YNW.

MaryMaryQuite- said:

I expect that your manager and HR know what this guy is like and he’s the one in line for some heat.

Be calm, tell your side of the story, the car park video will show what happened.

Four days later, OP shared this update:

A rundown of what happened in the HR meeting: I got to work and was told that Jesse was meeting with HR then so my supervisor and I would be called down in awhile. After about 30 minutes I went to the HR office alongside my supervisor. I went in first and the two reps asked for my side of what happened, which I provided and also told them everything inside the office was witnessed by other coworkers.

I gave a summary of what happened in the parking lot and emphasized that Jesse grabbed my girlfriend in a violent way and that she was filing a police report at that very moment. They asked what, in my opinion, brought on his behavior toward me, and I told them he seems to disagree with my religious beliefs and doesn’t like the way I choose to practice them.

They asked for more detail about what specific practices and I told them we choose to not live together or have sex until marriage, and that’s it. They could ask any of the members of my team and all would say I’ve never spoken about religion prior to Saturday. I keep my beliefs to myself unless asked.

I offered to have Morgan write a statement or come in and give one regarding what happened over the weekend. But I also reiterated that she was filing a police report and would be giving Jesse’s name as the person who assaulted her. I was told to wait in that meeting room while they spoke to my supervisor and also called down other team members who were there on Saturday.

One of them came back in about 45 minutes later and told me I could take the day off with pay if I chose to, but I wasn’t required to because they found no wrongdoing on my part after speaking to witnesses and watching the footage. Since I worked Saturday I took the day off.

When I came back on Tuesday I found out what went down after I left on Monday. Apparently Jesse was told he was being suspended pending further investigation and would be contacted when and if he was allowed back. He got angry but left, at which time they had his building access turned off so he couldn’t come back inside until a final decision is made.

My supervisor was almost certain Jesse was going to be terminated because a few officers showed up on Monday afternoon asking for brief statements from coworkers and to get a copy of the security footage. The general consensus was that he’d probably be charged with assault and the company wants no connection to him.

So as of today (Wednesday) he is no longer with the company. No word yet on whether he’s been arrested or charged with assault. Morgan will be informed of the next steps if charges are filed though.

I’ll be mostly working from home for awhile so that Jesse can’t come looking for me. HR and my supervisors thought it’s best for right now. So that’s where things stand now. Nothing too dramatic. No huge brawls or anything, which is great. I don’t enjoy drama at all, nor does Morgan.

And on an unrelated note, I’m 75% of the way to buying the ring I have picked out for Morgan. So if all goes well, I’ll propose this summer!