Parents of son with cerebral palsy erupt at special needs teacher sister over 'condescending' advice. AITA?
"AITA for blowing up at my sister who is a special needs teacher for repeatedly telling me how to parent my special needs child?"
I had a son when I was younger who turned out to have Cerebral Palsy as well as some developmental delays and needed some extra care. Back then I needed all the help I could get so my family treated my son like a community project, which was greatly appreciated at the time, but lately it’s been seeming like there are too many cooks in the kitchen.
While my son grew up, my sister got a degree in Special Needs Education and started teaching a special needs elementary class. Over the years, my sister has been increasingly giving my wife and I more and more unsolicited advice on how to parent my son.
Which is fine in theory, but instead of taking us to the side and giving us her professional opinion, she tends to actively disregard the way we want to teach my son, in front of him, and in a condescending way.
For example, when my son was being rude, I corrected him and sent him to his room. My sister stepped in and said “Don’t send him to his room, he doesn’t know what he’s doing.”
Another example is: Lately we’ve been trying to promote independence in him so when my son said he was thirsty, I said “So go get yourself some water”. My sister said “Oh, I’ll get it!”
So I respectfully responded to her saying “Actually can he get it himself? We are trying to teach him independence.” She answered with “No, he can’t do it himself.” Our son even protested and said he wanted to do it himself, but she sternly turned him down, only to get him his water for him.
There have been a ton of these little moments that have built up for me and my wife over time. To the point where we sat her down and had to talk boundaries with her. But it all came to a head again last Christmas when we went to visit my family.
The entire trip was filled with condescending corrections from my sister. The last straw is when my son had a meltdown and he marched into his room. I said I was going to go talk to him, but she stopped me and said “No, don’t. He needs to calm down.”
My wife and I exploded at the same exact moment. Telling her to stop telling us what to do and how to do it. She argued with us saying that it’s her job and we have repeatedly disrespected the fact that she has a degree in this. We told her that she doesn’t know what it’s like to be a parent and how being a teacher is completely different.
My sister ended up marching to her room mid-argument and I ended up consoling my wife who started frustratedly crying. Unfortunately, we had to leave for the airport right away so we went up to apologize to my sister for yelling but my sister was silent and didn’t reciprocate.
That was now 6 months ago. My only contact with my sister is through my mom since my sister won’t answer texts. My mom’s opinion is that nothing needs to be talked about because time will heal all wounds.
My wife and I think that would fester into resentment which is upsetting to us because we are planning to have more kids soon and don’t want this issue arising with them again. AITA here?
Edited to add: Thanks to everyone for all the comments and discourse. Unfortunately, my family doesn’t seem to be on my side with this situation by thinking that her job title is a valid excuse for her actions. We were starting to think we were crazy for feeling so strongly about this. The validation from this post has helped us in more ways that you can imagine.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
As a special educator - I worry that your sister is not good at her job. Fostering independence - in whatever capacity the child can achieve that - is one of our foremost goals. Your sister is enabling your son to use his disability as an excuse to rely on everyone for everything.
You and your wife know what he can and cannot do and seem like you are doing a great job of helping him become independent and a good citizen. You are NTA. I would have a discussion with your sister and set some very firm boundaries for seeing her going forward.
NTA
"She argued with us saying that it’s her job and we have repeatedly disrespected the fact that she has a degree in this."
It's her job when she's at work. You aren't paying her and you didn't ask for her help at that moment, so no, it's not her job to intervene or push her "expertise" on you. She might have a degree, but that doesn't make her an expert in every special needs child or situation.
She's not a doctor, or a psychologist, or a occupational therapist, or even a parent of a special needs child. Her knowledge and experience are limited. And even if they weren't, you and your wife still have the final say concerning your child. You've tried to set boundaries and she will not respect them. You have no choice but to limit contact until she can respect you two as parents.
NTA. I'm a teacher and have a special education degree. Have I given advice to close friends when asked? Sure. Would I do it unsolicited? Absolutely not. I've never criticized, commented on their parenting decisions, or told them what they are doing is wrong.
It's not her kid. Unless you're asking for her opinion, she needs to butt out. You did nothing to physically or emotionally harm this child. She just doesn't like being told no.
NTA. My mother has cerebral palsy and I’m forever grateful that my grandparents didn’t act like your sister! My mom was not coddled. She was encouraged to try anything at least once and to be as independent as possible.
Now, I understand that there’s different levels of CP and that they’re not created equal. However, it sounds to me that your son is perfectly capable of doing many things on his own and for some reason, your sister acts like he can’t do anything.
I’ve witnessed when a special needs kid was coddled like your sister wants to and that kid took advantage of it all. Just because they’re special needs, doesn’t mean they can’t turn into jerks. They’re still very much human.
She maybe a teacher but she is not your son’s parent. Yes she can have some good advice and some studies about cerebral palsy, but every child is different and she doesn’t know your son like you do.
She can offer some advice, but this is not her place to contradict you. And never in front of your son. Furthermore it seems that even if she has a degree, she has a lot of stereotypes about what can do and cannot do a special needs child, which doesn’t help him at all. NTA.