'AITA for blowing up my marriage over an affair that ended years ago?' + MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for blowing up my marriage over an affair that ended years ago?"

I (34F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 8 years. We have two kids (6 and 4), a house, a decent life. Nothing flashy, just solid. Or so I thought.

About a month ago, I was organizing old photos on our shared computer and stumbled across a folder buried in a backup drive. It was from around six years ago. Most of it was boring stuff—receipts, work docs—until I found a screenshot of a hotel confirmation… and a few blurry, very personal selfies that were very much not taken by me. Same timestamp. My stomach dropped.

I confronted him that night. He looked like a ghost. Didn’t even deny it. He admitted everything. He had a six-month affair with a coworker during a rough patch in our marriage (our oldest was a newborn, we were sleep-deprived, fighting constantly, etc). According to him, it ended completely when she moved out of state and he never told me because “it was over and wouldn’t happen again.”

And… it hasn’t. He’s been, by all accounts, a great partner since then. Supportive, affectionate, hands-on dad, loyal—at least from everything I could see. I had no idea. But now I feel like my whole life is a lie. The memories I thought were happy—our anniversary trip, our baby’s first steps, even the night we conceived our second kid—all happened while he was lying to me.

I left to stay with my sister for a bit. I told him I don’t know what I want. I’m angry, heartbroken, humiliated. He’s begging for forgiveness, saying he was stupid and selfish and that he thought he was “protecting me from pain.” His family knows and they’re begging me not to “throw everything away over something that’s been dead for years.”

Even my own mom said, “If he’s been good to you since, is it worth destroying your kids’ home over the past?” But it still happened. And I still just found out. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I can’t look at him without feeling betrayed all over again. I didn’t get to process this when it happened. I get to process it now. And it feels fresh, even if it’s not.

So… AITA for blowing up my marriage over an affair that technically ended years ago?

What do you think? AITA for blowing up her marriage? This is what commenters had to say:

GrouchyYoung said:

NTA. Your kids will be fine. Your husband abandoned, disrespected, dishonored, and humiliated you. He took away your right to informed consent to your own life—would you have had a second kid knowing he’d cheated? Etc.

allergymom74 said:

NTA. It’s a new betrayal to you. And it was during an extremely vulnerable time in your life, newly post partum. He should have been focusing on being a new dad.

It’s “great” he’s been a perfect husband since then but that doesn’t make up for the fact that he didn’t tell you himself and that he did it.

Can you work this out? Only you can decide that. I’d take a little time to figure that out. How much work is HE willing to do to rebuild trust? Just saying I’ve been a good husband since then is bare minimum.

Saying he only did it because you guys were sleep deprived isn’t taking accountability. And he only ended it because she moved. That isn’t the feel good resolution. It’s a new hurt. Sit. Think. Get some counseling for yourself. And go from there.

Voyeuristsic_Mirror said:

Oh wow. I'm so sorry this happened to you. For everybody saying "it happened years ago, let it go" - it may have happened years ago, but you just found out about it, so for you it just happened. Your feelings of betrayal are completely valid.

Also, cheaters gonna cheat - how do they, or anybody else besides your husband, know that this is the only time? Of course your husband would say that this is the only time. And maybe it really is, but he's trying to save his marriage and will say pretty much anything.

As for those saying that you should stay for the kids, do you want your kids to grow up in a home where cheating is normalized and accepted? I'm not trying to tell you what to do here, but these are things that you do need to think about in your situation.

It's OK to sit in your feels with this for a while. It is a huge betrayal. Regardless of what you decide to do, I recommend therapy - individual therapy for yourself no matter what you do, and couples' therapy if you decide to stay with him. Best of luck with everything going forward.

BaronessFrostbite said:

NTA. The affair ended because she left town, not because he realized what he was doing and didn’t want to hurt you more. He didn’t tell you to protect himself from the fallout it would cause. You didn’t do this. He did. He created the bomb and hid it away. It always comes to the surface eventually, though.

One day later, she shared this major update:

First, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. Reading your perspectives—supportive, critical, and everything in between—really helped me feel less alone during what’s been one of the worst emotional rollercoaster of my life.

I went back home because I missed the kids, I can barely spend a day with out them, I feel so pathetic just sitting here doing nothing so I’m staying to see my kids nothing else and I’m glad I did because it got worse, he cheated more than that one time he wasn’t even going to admit it.

I went through his phone (I know it’s bad but I was trying to make sure and I’m glad I did I saw messages between him and the same girl from before, him telling her about what happens in our relationship asking what to do and the worst part, the pictures so many pictures (NSFW), him and her trying to come up with excuses to see each other.

Excuses like: him saying he has to work late, family emergency’s and saying he’ll say he’s going to get food for us to sleep with her, she never moved, he lied, I’m so tired of the lies, I’m trying to not act upset I’m trying to act like everything is fine, I don’t want to leave my kids, I’m telling him I’m sick and don’t want to spread it to him as an excuse to sleep in the guest room.

I asked my cousin for a good divorce lawyer (she got divorced under the same circumstances) I am going to see her lawyer tomorrow morning. I’ll update further with more information when I get everything together. I need a drink.