'AITA for blowing up at my sick husband when he asked for help with our toddler?' UPDATED

"AITA for blowing up at my sick husband when he asked for help with our toddler?"

I plan on sending this post to my husband once the verdict is in, whichever way it goes, so I’ll add as much of his perspective as I can. Our toddler was sick through the weekend. I was up with him one night from 12:15-2:45, and off and on the next night. I probably got 10-12 hours of broken sleep the whole weekend.

Yesterday, my husband mentioned he was starting to feel a little sick. Last night I went to bed early hoping to catch up on rest. All throughout the night, my husband woke me up way more often than my toddler ever does, even on a bad night. Some of the times were not directly his fault, but other times I felt like he was being inconsiderate.

1: He snored loudly in my ear. 2: He asked for another blanket because he had the chills. I told him it was at the foot of the bed. He asked for help and reminded me that he helps me when I’m sick, and that he’d still do the morning routine with our son.

3: He had a nightmare I had to shake him awake from. (normal) 4: He whispered at Alexa to ask for the time. 5: He asked for another blanket. I gave him mine. 6: He made a phone call (in bed) and left a full volume voicemail to his work to let them know he’d need to take a sick day. 7: At 5:30 in the morning, he woke me to ask if I could do the wake up routine with our son. (I do bedtime, he does wake up.)

At this point I blew up. I expressed how mad I was that he woke me up all night long, and now I have to wake up early to do what he said he’d still do, and I don’t get to stay home and catch up on sleep. He said I was in the wrong because marriage is in sickness and in health.

I immediately got up to get ready. He said I didn’t have to start getting ready so early, I said yes I did because I start work at 7:30. I barely make it to work on time when I wake up at 6:00, and now I have to unexpectedly skip my shower, get my toddler ready, get his food ready for the day, feed him breakfast, drop him off at daycare, then take myself to work.

I said he was a grown man with a cold, and he robbed me of the rest I needed, and that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight. At that point I asked for space and we haven’t talked since. I was late for work which is a big deal at my job. I might be the ahole for blowing up at my husband when he asked for support during an unexpected illness. Am I the ahole for being mad at my sick husband?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

ThatHellaHighHobbit said:

NTA - It’s one thing if you slept all night and he was up all night sick and he woke you up and asked you to handle the morning routine. It’s another when he’s willfully kept you awake.

Waking you up for extra blankets, asking the time and making a loud phone call is absolutely willful behavior from him. Your angry feelings are valid. If this is a one time thing, when he’s better, circle back and have a discussion. If this is his typical “man flu/cold” behavior, he needs to stop it. Sleep deprivation is cruel.

SlinkyMalinky20 said:

NTA. Being sick, working and caring for a sick child is terrible. But your husband is an adult and needs to be somewhat self sufficient and considerate. He can’t help that he had a nightmare or snored, but waking you up for a blanket twice, asking for the time, and taking/making calls in the early hours from bed is incredibly self-centered.

Armorer- said:

NTA women are expected to care for family and children on our deathbeds but men are not held to the same standard.

While it’s understandable that your husband felt awful and needed some help he could have minimized the amount of disruptions like waking you just to ask for blankets that are already on the bed, the snoring maybe due to congestion which he can’t help. You need some rest so it’s best if you sleep separately until he is better.

fantasticfishfingers said:

NTA. As moms we are generally expected to just carry on as normal when we are sick, I don’t know why dads are any exception. The making a phone call in bed while you’re trying to sleep would have made me crash tf out, because who in their right mind thinks that is an acceptable location for such an activity? bffr.

OkConsideration8964 said:

He's a whole adult male asking you to get him extra blankies? No. Phone calls in bed? No. When my husband is sick, he sleeps in the spare room. I don't ask him to, he just does. He still gets "man cold" vibes, but he really does his best to not be disruptive. NTA.

eowynsheiress said:

NTA. Your husband was entirely inconsiderate and shirked his responsibilities over a cold, all while making you just as sleepless as he was.

The next day OP came back with this update:

Requested info and update: “He’s sick. Be nice.” I agree, and I also felt unwell. I was never mad at him for being sick. I was mad about the wake ups and the last minute change in plans that could have been avoided with better communication. Grace and empathy should go both ways.

“Wait until it’s your turn to be sick.” We have been together 10+ years and we each have the same standard of self sufficiency, but we generally help each other when sick: soup, tea, meds, the works… within reason!

Extra TLC is appreciated, but we’re not children. Never have I ever woken him up repeatedly throughout the night. This was an unusual situation that was exacerbated by my sleep debt and his sudden symptoms.

”Why didn’t he help you over the weekend?” He DID help a lot during the daytime on the weekend to give me rest breaks because I did the overnight wake ups, but that does not include naps. I find it extremely difficult to take naps and he knows it. My mind just doesn’t turn off until bedtime.

He generally can’t help with the overnights because of a legitimate medical condition that could worsen with repeated lack of sleep. Husband does all the wake ups and lets me sleep in on the weekends to make up for the overnights.

“Why didn’t you sleep in the guest room?” We don’t have one anymore. “Why didn’t you take the couch if he was sick?” Symptoms didn’t hit hard until after we went to sleep, which is why we didn’t initially sleep separately or change the morning arrangements the night before.

“Why didn’t you take the couch after the first few wake ups?” I’m used to a few wake ups. I wasn’t expecting the next five. Once I’m physically up, I’m mentally UP. If I had gotten up from the bed, it would have been difficult to go back to sleep at that point.

“Does he have sleep apnea?” I have suggested to him in the past that he does and should do a sleep study. He hasn’t yet and I’m not going to make an appointment for him.

“Snoring and nightmares aren’t his fault!” I already said they weren’t. The nightmares are regular for him - we sleep separately often because of them, per my request. We’ll go months sleeping apart, but then he’ll say that he doesn’t sleep well alone, and since we only have the couch as a separate sleep space, I often cave and let him sleep with me again. He doesn’t let me take the couch.

“Why did you take a sick child to daycare?” Daycare’s policy is 24 hours fever free without other symptoms or medication.

“I could never be married to you. You’re so selfish.” I wasn’t taking applications… but can you feel that sexual tension between us, or is that just me?

Update: Husband saw the comments and guaranteed me uninterrupted sleep going forward. I again offered to sleep on the couch, but he insisted he take it and the baby monitor. As a compromise, we’ll be sleeping separately on weeknights, and together on weekends, unless I need to catch up on sleep or if one of us is sick.

After seeing all perspectives, including Husband’s, I’ll agree with an ESH verdict with me being 20% the asshole. I had a right to be mad, but I should not have blown up. He should be able to ask for help, but within reason. I apologized for being snappy. He apologized for the wake ups. No divorce lawyers necessary.