'I bought my girlfriend a car. She said that was my 3rd and final strike.' AITA? + UPDATE
"I bought my girlfriend a car. She said that was my 3rd and final strike."
I come from a wealthy family, I now work in the family business so technically I'm not spending mommy and daddy's money anymore. Been with my girlfriend for a year and 5 months, she's the best thing in the world, doesn't matter how bored, sad, lonely, upset or even happy I feel she always makes it better.
Now I don't like to show I have money because obviously that's not the best way to attract people who are actually interested in you and not your money, so when I started dating my GF I didn't spend a lot until I felt comfortable with her, that was 3 months in.
I bought her a tablet that was somewhere between 6 and 7 hundred I'm pretty sure. She seemed okay with it. I don't like to think I'm careless with how I spend but I also know I'm probably not the most mindful when it comes to my spending either.
At 7 months in the relationship I decided to buy my girlfriend a bracelet that I saw while looking for a birthday gift for my little brother, it was 6 thousand dollars. I know. Saying it out loud maybe doesn't sound like a good idea but I've spent more on some truly ridiculous stuff, but for my budget it really wasn't as bad as it sounds.
She wouldn't accept it and told me to return it, I kept telling her she was it was fine but she didn't want it. I told her to give it to her sister as a wedding present. She said no. Later she told me that me buying her that was a red flag.
Around 8 months in, I realized I loved her and she told me she loved me right around the same time. I took her on a "we are in love date", I thought since she didn't like the bracelet I'd keep things simple this time, no dinners at expensive restaurants, no gifts, no elaborate plans, just us eating food from a local place we both like sitting by the mountain, one of her favorite spots.
Everything went great and we left after a while. She told me in the car that though she had a good time she expected something fancier. Noted. 4 days ago she turned 25, I bought her a car.
At this point we've been together 1 year and 5 months, are in love, talk about our future together, so I assumed it was okay to get her such a gift but apparently not. She thanked me in the moment but when we went back to her place she told me that was my 3rd and final strike.
That she thought I wouldn't do something like that again only this time even worse. She said she doesn't know what I can do to fix things. We aren't broken up but aren't talking to each other either. I guess the tablet was the first strike?
When I buy these gifts I make it clear I don't expect anything back so she doesn't feel like she has to keep up, I never liked receiving gifts, I told my parents to stop when I turned 10. She's important to me and I guess I can be materialistic but I like to buy nice stuff for people I care about. How do I fix things?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
It sounds like there's zero communication here. Did you two ever sit down and talk about money problems - what is considered acceptable and what isn't?
antsruledude01 (OP)
Not that exact conversation. The way I understand stood it was the bracelet was too much too fast, by time her birthday rolled around I honestly thought I'd be okay. She's financially independent, she takes care of herself so when we did talk about money it was never what was acceptable as a gift or anything like that.
You spent $6k on a bracelet that she told you she couldn't accept because of how expensive it was, and you thought it was a good idea to buy her a CAR? Have you ever spoken to her about these sorts of gifts? Maybe if you'd been together for five years and you went car shopping together that's one thing. The comment about wanting a fancier date is a bit weird though.
Four months later, the OP returned with an update.
Okay so, yeah. I asked her could we just sit down and talk. She said she doesn't want expensive gifts for multiple reasons, she felt like she'd be indebted to me, felt like a gold digger and felt like she could never do anything like that for me.
She said It'd be okay if I occasionally brought her some chocolates or flowers. I apologized and told her that I enjoy making people happy, but I clearly wasn't accomplishing that by buying her stuff.
I didn't consider the person receiving the gifts, I also expressed I didn't like a having strike system in place that I was unaware of, she said from now on she will just tell me when I do something she that she has a problem with and that it was unrealistic of her to expect only 3 issues through the course of an entire relationship.
Someone commented that if after buying her those gifts did I hope if a even a little she would be less likely to break up with me. The truth is yes. But that's in everything I do, if it's making her breakfast in bed, coming over and doing all her housework or just rubbing her back or scratching her hair, I want to be the best partner possible.
I hope that everything single thing that I do makes her less likely to break up with me because I love her and I want to be with her forever. I also asked about the fancier date comment, she said that was her expectation. That she wasn't disappointed but kind of saw it as an occasion where I could have splurged a tiny bit but didn't, but certainly didn't have to.
She said we can find a medium because she knows what she considers a lot and what I consider a lot is different. That 6K for me and for her were very different. That a car for me and for her were very different.
Speaking of, I now more than ever acknowledge the difference between my upbringing and those around me. Because of the pandemic and as my family's wealth gets bigger I realized how unaffected I was compared to everyone else, and still I want to do what I've always done.
I say to my girlfriend that I'm interested buying something for myself, she says I can't spend six figures on something I wasn't thinking about an hour ago. And she's right, I don't need it, I want it.
Being with someone from a different background has opened my eyes, I would've bought and already had it. She said I could do some good with my money, my family is going to begin giving to people affected by the pandemic but it's really just to make us look good.
My dad didn't just wake up and feel like helping people. She says do that if I want to spend. We gave her car to someone who lost their job and it made her feel really good.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Good for you! On a side note make sure you know eachother's love languages. It sounds like you show love by giving, but you want to make sure that you show her love in her love language.
I don't care how much it costs or how everyone involved feels about expensive gifts: buying a car for someone without their input is just a bad idea, period.
I feel like after the first expensive gift is when they should’ve had the conversation about how the expensive gestures made her feel. I had an ex who liked those kinds of gestures and I personally hated it bc he was buying me something that I wanted to give to myself, and after he bought me that expensive thing I had that talk with him. Did the relationship work? No. Did he stop buying me jewelry? Yes, thankfully.
Actually I understand the disconnect. Nobody is the bad person here. Maybe it’s easier if people think of this as a cultural difference. Because we are very much seeing two different cultures in collision here.
And it’s not necessarily a red flag to work on that kind of relationship. OP sounds genuinely in love here and went with what she wanted in the end. He’s clearly not a snob. Just totally different cultures that give meaning to objects in different ways.