Boyfriend gets caught lying about crashing girlfriend's car, gaslights her; 'I don’t have the energy for this.' AITA? + UPDATE
"My (32F) boyfriend (35M) got in an accident in my car, didn't tell me, and now refuses to do anything about it."
I have been with my (32F) boyfriend (35M) for a little over three years. Every once in a while I will let him drive my car when his is low on gas or if he has the good parking spot and doesn't want to move etc etc.
A couple weeks ago I get a call from my insurance company letting me know they need a statement about the accident.
Um. What?
After a solid 45 minutes of adamantley proclaiming this lady was full of it and that there was no accident the insurance rep said, "Well we have a report that (boyfriends name) was in an accident in bla bla parking lot on this date claiming he was driving his girlfriend's car".
Oh.
I call my boyfriend and he denies up and down that there was any accident. I explain the call I had received and he replies with, "ooooooh yeah I forgot about that".
Apparently he had been dodging calls for over a month and did not tell me any of this was going on. There was no damage to my car, so there was no reason for me to think anything had happened.
So, yesterday I was trying to work out with the insurance company details, get him to make a statement, and its impossible. He stopped responding to my texts about the situation so I call him. He clears it. I call him again. He clears it.
He texts me, "I am with my parents." Okay, but this is a serious situation and I need to speak with you about it can you please answer? "I don't want to fight with you in front of my parents." This isn't a fight, I need details about the accident from you!
He won't take my call. So, I send him kind of a mean text something along the lines of, "You can't even show me the respect to take my call about something serious? This isn't even a real relationship to you." Silence.
Finally after about 2 hours of radio silence (and me very very upset) I call again. He says ...
"I don't have the energy to do this with you right now. I'm painting. I don't want to talk."
I say ...
"What about my feelings? What about me?"
He says ...
scoff "what ABOUT you?" and hangs up. I haven't heard from him since. I know he is waiting for me to break down and contact, as that has historically been the case.
I need some help drafting my response to this situation. I am frozen in shock and pain and am at a loss on what the next step is.
UPDATE it is 12:15pm my time, and still not a word from this fool. He doesn't care at all. I am done.
SECOND UPDATE So. He contacted. The text I just got was "we have the kind of love that was forged in adventure, and sealed in the bedroom" What!!? No mention of the accident or the fight? HOW DO I EVEN RESPOND TO THIS?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's inital post:
He’s 35? Seriously? Dump him. He got into an accident in YOUR CAR, didn’t tell you, denies it, acts like he forgot, and then won’t speak you about it. Wow, I can’t even express how fast I’d be out of that relationship.
Okay but like the last message he sent her “we have the type of love that’s forged in adventure and sealed in the bedroom” is a quote from the Netflix show disenchantment 😂
IT WASN'T EVEN AN ORIGINAL LAME ASS WEAK ASS LINE? Oh hell no ....
Are you absolutely positive that he isn't actually three children in a trenchcoat?
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I was straight up blown away by the support, suggestion, and compassion I was shown by total strangers. Some of y'all had me DYING laughing in one of theworst times of my adult life.
A VERY kind gentleman from Scotland even offered to pay for my daughter to and I to go out to a nice meal together because he noticed in the thread that I mentioned I was a single mom. Reddit rules.
So. I know most of you said ghost him, but I just couldn't. While undoubtedly that is what he deserved, I needed to hear from his perspective why he thought any of this was okay before I could close the door.
And honestly, I am glad I did because it solidified for me that this relationship was an excellent learning experience, that I had done my learning, and it was time to move the eff on.
His avoidance of the situation was explained by his thinking it wasn't that big of a deal. He said that he didn't understand why this lady was making such a big fuss about her bumper, and that I was unreasonably upset about it and he didn't want to talk about it until I had "calmed down".
Oh.
Hell.
No.
I kept it together until I got his side of the story. According to him, they were both backing out of their parking spots and smacked into each other. He was all the way out of his spot, she was halfway out of hers when BANG.
I literally DIALED THE PHONE AND SAT WITH HIM while he called the insurance rep and gave his statement. He was found at fault due to his being all the way out of the spot. I am not 100% sure what this means for me, my policy, or my pocket yet.
As far as the relationship - done. When he came over to talk I had all his things packed up. I tried to explain how hurt and disappointed I was about his actions, and told that I could no longer trust him because of how terribly he handled this situation.
He said, I shit you not, "Oh, please. You just set a fire and expected me to come to your rescue and put it out and when I didn't you threw a fit. I'm sorry. I just didn't have the energy to put out your fire."
THIS IS YOUR GOD DAMN FIRE SET BY YOUR AWFUL ACTIONS AND FUELED BY YOUR AVOIDANCE. I burst into tears, handed him his bag, and said I needed him to leave. Now. I told him anything of mine left at his place he can throw away, or leave there until his next victim or mother comes and cleans it for him.
Speaking of his mother, I did listen to you and craft a very detailed email to her with him CC'd. I explained what happened, and then asked her for his Driver's License number and policy name and ID number just in case its needed.
Her response was, "I am very sorry that you are having to deal with all this, but I don't see how this is our problem if it was your car". I feel like this whole family are a bunch of lizard people sent to Earth to make me question my reality.
Anyway. Single at 32 again. Woot. I am as sad as I could possibly be, but trying to focus on the plus side as someone said "cutting a bunch of deadass weight". Thanks again for all the love and laughs.
Oh - and yes - once it is determined how much this is going to affect my rates and my pocket, I will be taking his cartoon quoting ass to small claims court. I have already spoken to my attorney about it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's inital post:
"I don't see how this is our problem if it was your car?"
Well we found where he gets it from...
"We have the kind of love that was forged in adventure, and sealed in the bedroom."
That's a wild statement when you treat your partner like absolute garbage.
The fact that this 35-year-old, tax paying (hopefully) adult man watched Disenchantement and thought that shit was fire and perfect to relay to his angry partner to ""smooth things over"" made my soul leave my body. Sir, for your next one, may I suggest "Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's Love; Hard and Fast!"
Ok but 6 yrs ago. Did he pay, did she have to drag his dumbass to small claims court.... There is still suff I need to know.
Boy oh boy, that bf and mom ain't the sharpest tools in the shed.