'He called her his bae publicly but swore they were platonic - right before his STD reveal.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
"Boyfriend and his girl best friend on social media being excessive."
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months and we were long distant for a while until the beginning of this month when he moved to Chicago where I am currently living.
When we first started talking, he never mentioned anything about his best friend until about 2 months ago he mentioned about "a friend" that was coming over but would never mention the gender.
Then eventually he said it was his best friend and that it was a girl. Right before he was moving, he told me he was trying to convince his best friend to move to Chicago as well. He was saying she's really cool, and super supportive blah blah that's all great.
Every time they hang out, she comes over to his place and it's always super late at night. I've asked him about her and he said they were just friends and merely platonic. The night before he moved, she was at his place and he has a thing where he keeps all his payments on Venmo and what not private.
He even asks me to pay him and keep it on private so no one can see his activity. I was on Venmo that night paying a friend of mine for something and I see she pays him at 3:50 AM and it's out all on public.
Last night I was on Facebook and he had posted that he had moved to Chicago and under that post, he tags her and says "Sorry _____, my sweet baby girl". Then he shared a photo of them together and she comments on that saying "my bae".
She's always commenting on his stuff with hearts and saying things like "me and you" for other random posts. I understand that some friends do really playful stuff or act silly online but seeing that caught me off guard.
In the past, I've had trust issues with guys and one of my exes who had a girl best friend was secretly hooking up with her while we were together which is why this whole situation is a bit triggering. I have no problem with him having friends that are girls, that's not the issue at all. I'm just not really sure why he's so secretive about her specifically.
I know if I were to approach him about this, he might just say I'm being insecure and there's nothing going on between them but he's mentioned a few times that he really wants her to move here making me think if they've hooked up, had a past, etc. I don't want to feel insecure about this but I don't know how to approach him about this.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Hate to break it to you, but it sounds like you’re the side piece and the “best friend” is the girlfriend. He’s referring to her as his “sweet baby girl” while posting pictures of them together and she literally calls him her bae. And he doesn’t even want to claim you on his social media at all (why? So she doesn’t find out). Girl, do your self-respect a favour and dump him. You deserve wayyyyyy better.
Have you ever met her in person, or communicated directly with her? Are you tagged on his social media (listed as in a relationship; photos together, etc)? Because I'll be honest, from what you've written, it sure sounds like she's his gf, and he's playing you.
I'm a woman, my best friend is a guy - we have literally never ever spoken to each other like that, and it would be so weird if we did? I especially wouldn't expect his wife to be cool with that, because it crosses the line of what's appropriate.
Him calling her his sweet baby girl is crossing the line, you're valid in feeling insecure. Bring it up to him and ask him if they've had a past/had feelings for one another and let him know how you feel.
I also see that you haven't publicly put out you're in a relationship...does the other girl know about you? You could be the other woman in this relationship tbh. Stop trying to be the "cool girlfriend" - this is out of line and you need to draw that boundary. Your gut isn't wrong. Sure, guys can have female friends, but they're not acting like friends.
From the post and your answers to the comments above, it looks like youre the sidechick and thats his girlfriend. He's playing you and her. If yall are all on social media, you could always verify by reaching out🤷♀️ Even if its just a message saying "Hi! Im so-and-sos girlfriend. Id love to get a coffee sometime with you and get to know his best friend".
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
I read all the replies and I got many messages for an update. I appreciate all the advice that everyone gave. I called the bird brain last night and basically went off on him. He had explained that they previously did have a past many years ago but they had reconnected after his last relationship but it was strictly platonic but THEN...
He tells me that he has herpes? That's one thing. Then tells me that I should possibly get tested. The last time we were physically together was in May. I confronted him and asked him if he slept with someone and he admitted that he slept with one person (pretty sure there were more).
He said it meant nothing and it was only physical and there was nothing emotional about it. I asked why he did it and he said it was more of a "last hurrah" before he moved but it was with someone totally random. I asked how you meet someone random and he hesitated and said Tinder.
Hearing all of this I didn't know what to say and was in complete shock. He said he was sorry and it didn't mean anything. He said he understood if I wanted to break up but would still want to be friends because "I'm really important in his life".
I obviously immediately broke up with him but it feels like a huge weight is off of my shoulders. I don't plan on being friends with him either since it shows that he’s trying to have me around in his life, more of a benefit to him. He's a POS and I'm glad he has herpes :)
Another UPDATE: There were things I needed to get off my chest for my own closure and so I sent him a message saying that I’m not comfortable being friends after everything that he’s done and he’s trying to keep me around and what not.
He responded back with a few messages but the one I thought that was hilarious was when he said “I am upset about the whole situation and the prospect of losing you in my life. You are an amazing woman and it was a pleasure getting to know you. I wish you the best and hope down the line, we are able to reconcile.”
I realized with his response, he never apologized for hurting me or about the situation itself and saying HE’S hurt? I’m glad I got out of it sooner then later. I removed him off all my socials as well. Thank you everyone for the comments and support. I’ll make an appointment soon to get tested.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Uhhh “Last hurrah”? What a odd and suspicious thing to say as a reason. A last hurrah before moving is a weekend with his girlfriend not sleeping with some random person..? Yeah, I highly doubt it was one time especially because of this statement.
RespectableGhost (OP)
Right? When he said it was a “last hurrah” to close off his chapter in his state before he moved to where I’m from, makes no sense to me, what was the purpose of it. And then tries to back it up by saying it was only something physical and there was nothing emotional about it LOL.
The only Hurrah was that OP blocked him.
So I came into this as a guy who has several close female friends and was gonna sideeye the girl here but ... nvm.
I'm so tired of these guys acting like "meaningless" sex is okay. Okay so you ruined your relationship for something unimportant? You're that useless? Idiot. Freaking idiot.