Relationship tested as boyfriend believes in a past that never happened. AITA? + UPDATE
"My [31F] boyfriend [30M] staunchly believes we did an art class together a long time ago. We never did and it is tearing our relationship apart, as he thinks I am lying, and I don't know what to think."
This is kind of weird but I am at the end of my rope with this. Me and my SO Tom recently started dating again, currently we have been together for 6 months now. We were a couple for 3 years ago during university.
We were close back then, but I ended up getting an amazing job offer from a big tech company and was required to relocate to SV, Tom unfortunately was being forced to look after his two younger siblings, after his mother passed away.
We ended up separating when we realized it wasn't going to work. Last year I moved back home, after I went through a painful failed engagement, and a combination of burnout and my dad not being in good health. We ended up getting back in touch, and one thing lead to another.
At the start of this month I moved in with Tom after his final younger brother moved out to go to University. Stuff was great, and I was happy and he seemed happy. Then something weird happened, and I don't know what to make of it.
Two weeks ago we were talking about redecorating and renovating (fixing two decades of wear and tear). Tom offhandedly mentioned that he still had "paintings we did together in art class". This really confused me, I have no memory of doing this art class, but he remembers it like it was yesterday.
This lead to kind of a weird argument, where I denied this ever happening, but he would not drop it. Eventually I just kind of pretended to vaguely remember, just to get out of this.
He didn't believe me, and he spent 4 hours digging through Facebook, his computer, and even dug out his old cellphone. He found nothing. He seemed hurt and confused, and I begged him to lets just forget about it.
However this started eating at me all of last week, my ex fiance would do this. He would lie and give different accounts of events, or claim things happened that I didn't remember. However they were always minor and meant to hurt (and almost always BS). This was just weird.
I ended up spending hours combing through my records, and found nothing. He said we went and bought our supplies at a specific place, I have no bank records of that. I have no records of this ever happening, and I even asked a few people I used to be friends with who never remembered this. It bothered me a lot.
On Wednesday we went to Tom's Storage unit to fetch some stuff, and it immediately turned into him hunting for the art. He swears he put it there, he even remembers him putting it in there so vividly.
But there was nothing, there was some art but from his family but nothing matched what I apparently painted (apparently I painted some sort of cute, pink donut from some gum commercial?) or what he painted.
He even went on to vividly tell me how we would go and grab food before heading over to the college after a certain class we had together, but I don't remember this at all.
I was annoyed, really annoyed. We had a big fight driving home, where Tom complained that I just don't remember, I was at the telling him I think he is wrong. It was awkward that night and I broke down and told him he was wrong, and this isn't going to work out if this continues. Today has been really akward, and I feel this stupid little thing of no significance is going to rip this relationship apart.
Tom seems dead set in his way, and I was honestly considering that this is a sign of mental illness, but this is the first time I have ever seen him act like this, and it bothers me so much. What am I supposed to do? I feel even if I just finally say "oh yes I remember now it is just going to lead to a huge argument".
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I don't think he is lying. I think he is having a false memory and may be confusing you with someone else or even he had such a great time in that art class his mind stuck you into the memory because he associates you with great experiences through his life.
I think he is having a hard time letting it go because it is making him feel crazy and he is questioning his own sanity..... at some point we all remember things incorrectly and it can be very disconcerting if there is something that goes against what we "know" to be true.....
ThrowRA1920121 (OP)
So the part that bothers me, is he is dead sure of when it was happening when we were a couple. Specifically he is dead set that it was every Wednesday after we had a certain class.
He remembers the specific class, the professor and the fact that it ended around 6 pm (which is 100% true), but he remembers us going to this art class for 2 months, afterwords which didn't happen. I remember that class being hell but nothing afterwords which is why i am confused. Which is why this is bothering me so much.
That’s the thing about false memories. You can’t tell them from real ones. My boyfriend will insert me into some of his old concerts and I have to tell him I wasn’t there. But he also realizes he may be remembering incorrectly. Sit him down and tell him you love him and that it doesn’t matter. Y’all can paint together all you want now.
Thought I'd just share my experience. Once I had a dream where I bought a red and white podka dot bikini, I spent hours looking for it in my wardrobe it was only hours later when I realised that it was a dream. Not saying that's we hat happening here but I could have sworn on my life I owned it.
Have you clearly explained the reasons why this is so upsetting to you, given your experience with your ex? If he can sit down and listen how you were previously manipulated, his reaction will let you know if you should stay or go ❤️
When my sister had her first psychosis episode, it took a long time before anyone was aware of her mental illness because the warning signs were small.
Several days later, the OP returned with an update.
I wanted to thank everyone for the advice and help. I did what people suggested and sat him down and explained why it was bothering me so much and how my ex used to gaslight me. He apologized and told me he must have been remembering things wrong.
But it didn't matter at all, because we found the answer to the mystery last night when we visited his sister, and this topic came up. It turns out that his sister was the one who did the art class with him, and it wasn't actually at the local college but at a local crafts store.
She didn't have the paintings, but was able to dig a bunch of photos of her and Tom's stuff, including the painting that Tom remembered. This was a weird last two weeks, but I am glad this is over with.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
"I did an art class with someone I love, it must have been you."
My husband did something of the sort. He asked what happened to my plaid coat. I've never had a plaid coat because I loathe plaids. He was thinking of his sister's plaid coat.
My partner does this all the time. He’ll go to a family event (which I’m almost always invited to, but don’t always feel welcomed by a few members and so occasionally refuse to go to) and he comes home and tells me about it. A month later he will insist I was there with him. Drives me nuts.
Human memories can be weird yet fascinating. Just fascinating I say.
I have a memory I can't explain. Around 7th grade, I saw this girl in the gym, and we instantly knew each other's name. I told her I had forgotten where we met. She couldn't remember either.
We mentioned everywhere we had been before, and nothing matched up. I even went over it with her sister not long after her passing. She had some health issues and passed away at 24. I miss her.
I mean I guess good it all worked out, but pretty tragic a grown ass 30 year old man was so baffled by the concept of misremembering a decade’s old event that he almost blew up his relationship.