'What do I say to my boyfriend who doesn't seem to realize he's just broken up with me?' AITA? + UPDATE
"What do I say to my (45F) boyfriend (44M) who doesn't seem to realize he's just broken up with me?"
I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year. When I met him he had separated from his wife and they were going through a divorce (8 months after separation). I don't usually date men who are only separated, but we just clicked.
One thing I've asked from the beginning is whether or not he wants to have more kids because I'm child free for medical reasons. He's always said he wasn't bothered either way. The relationship with his children is very strained and they don't like going to see him.
Now the divorce is complete. I've warned him that the he'll spiral having had friends go through the same thing (which is usually why I don't date men in this period), but he was adamant he was going to be fine.
He isn't, he's totally spiraling. I've suggested that he go back to therapy, but he doesn't want to. I've said not to just have these thoughts and feelings swirling around in his head and to talk if he needs to. He's started talking to me about his feelings and one of them is that he wants to have more kids.
Now, he said this in a stream of consciousness in a voice note. I'm on the waiting list for a hysterectomy. He's still texting as normal. How do I confront this? He doesn't really have anyone else to talk to, however our relationship is basically over in my head now.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Sounds like you just need to be up front and honest. Tell him he wants more kids and you can't give that to him. You have broken up with him in your head, not him breaking up with you.
Guapa79 (OP)
Thank you for replying. I think a conversation definitely needs to be had.
Aside from all the other issues did you not think it was a bit strange and off putting that the man’s children have a strained relationship with him and don’t like seeing him, like that for me would be a massive glaring red flag.
Seventeen days later, the OP returned with an update.
To those who never saw my replies and have the same questions: His kids were happy to see him when we met, but as the divorce became more acrimonious, they started to say things that (in my mind) children wouldn't typically say. If he had said anything about his children not wanting to see him when we first started dating that would have been a red flag for me.
Helping a friend through a divorce and listening to them go through various ideas is very different to the person you see doing it. Especially when they are talking about things that means the end of the relationship. Anyway, on to the update.
We met up and I asked him if he was aware that he said he thinks he wants to have more kids. He said yes, it's a possibility. I said you're aware that I'm on the waiting list for a hysterectomy. He said yes. I said "So you're aware that this essentially means we're over?"
He said, "it doesn't have to mean that, we can continue to see each other until I make up my mind." People. I nearly fell off my chair. I stared at him and realised that he actually never knew me at all. Anyone who knows me knows I would never put up with this foolishness.
I actually laughed and said you want me to continue to see you while you decide whether or not you want kids? And then if you do, I should just meekly walk away? Does that sound like that's fair?
He said no, but he loves being with me and doesn't want to lose me. I told him I was lost the minute he told me he might want more kids. I said I appreciate him telling me the truth, but the consequence of that means we're over.
I told him what I'd have told a friend (sort out your relationship with the children you have before making new ones) and gave him book on that subject. I left and cried. I'm going to miss him a lot. He's been texting, but I may block him soon.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
"you just hang around until I decide if I want to keep you or not, ok?"
How on Earth did you say no to such a wonderful offer!
You were to be his security blanket while he went through the divorce and figured out who he was. I applaud your self-knowledge. Allow yourself to grieve what you lost. Time to block him so he can go figure out himself by himself.
“We can keep seeing each other until I make up my mind” equals, “you keep looking after me and sleeping with the me until I can upgrade to what I really want”. The audacity.
Good for her. It's rare that you see someone stand by their boundaries that thoroughly.
“I might want more kids and I know you absolutely don’t, so I’m just going to waste your time until I make up my mind.”
The fact that he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s essentially saying says it all. Unreal. Peak selfishness.
It demonstrates so clearly that he sees her as a tool for his use, not a separate independent human being with her own goals and feelings. Her preferences are inconvenient the way a lamp is too bright or the freezer causes freezer burn. She's a malfunctioning appliance, but she's still useful until/unless he finds something (technically someone) that serves him better.