'My boyfriend and I are currently in a fight due to my brother sleeping in the same bed as me. What should I do?'
"My boyfriend and I are currently in a fight due to my brother sleeping in the same bed as me. What should I do?"
I know this sounds weird, but I don’t think I’m in the wrong. My boyfriend (29M) and I (30F) are currently fighting due to my brother (22M) sleeping in the same bed as me. My family grew up near a high cost of living city that I now live in, and I am lucky to have a job that pays me well enough to have my own apartment.
My brother is struggling post-grad, and is currently looking for a more long term job while he works part time gigs. I figured that he would make more money and have a better shot at finding a job if he was in the city with me, so about six months ago, I offered that he stay with me.
He accepted, and we’ve been living together since. We’re super close and have been having a great time. As for the bed thing, my brother has a bad back (scoliosis) and I don’t want to condemn him to an air mattress or a couch for as long as he’s living here.
A couple of months ago, I started dating my boyfriend. He knew about my brother living with me, but I didn’t mention the bed thing because I didn’t think it was relevant at all. We’ve been exclusively going to his apartment because it’s bigger, in a much better location, and his roommate has been away for an artist residency.
Last week, I decided that we were getting serious enough that I wanted him to meet my brother. I had my boyfriend over for dinner, and all of us three were getting along great.
Towards the end of the night, my boyfriend makes a comment to my brother about how sleeping on a couch must suck, and my brother said that he’s not, and that we’re sharing the bed.
My boyfriend thought he was joking and laughed, and I confirmed that he was being serious. My boyfriend was quiet and weird for the rest of the night, and left not too long after.
The next day, he called me and told me that he felt really uncomfortable that my brother was sleeping in my bed with me, with “no end in sight”. He also said that even before this, he was thinking that it would be nice to go over to my apartment sometimes with his roommate returning soon.
I defended myself, saying that he was my brother, and that the situation was what works best for us. My brother and I are also very open, and I would feel fine having him be on the couch or an air mattress sporadically if my boyfriend came over, or vice versa. He’s been very cagey lately, and making all sorts of comments about it. Is this so wrong? What should I do here?
EDIT: I commented this, but adding this here too: my family is not American, and in my culture sharing a bed with siblings/cousins/etc is very common. We do live in the US now, and I didn't realize that this was a cultural divide.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
If you’re doing okay finically and this situation with your brother is supposed to be temporary until he’s in a more secure spot, could you buy him a mattress to sleep on. Then once he’s back on his feet, which is the plan, he takes the mattress with him or pays you back?
I've shared a bed with my sister as an adult, but only in rare occasions. Family trip and there's not enough beds, type of a thing. Every night is a bit much. Buy him a twin mattress.
It’s fair for him to be uncomfortable with it. It’s fair for you to do it in spite of that. Ultimately one or both of you will have to decide which is more valuable to you.
That is an unusual set up to say the least. I would not share a bed with my brothers and we are close.
It sounds weird. But also, if i needed to crash w my chronically single brother and its between a sofa or his bed i'm telling him to scoot over cuz thats my brother lol.
Hell yeah! If I had a choice between bed and sofa, bed wins every time. But Everyday? for a few months? Or until he gets a job? Or a gf? Then will it be until he saves for an apartment? Car? House?
I will be honest, to an outsider? That could look inappropriate. That's NOT saying anything is happening, it's clear there's valid reasons behind it, but if you take a step back can't you see where an outsider would think it's odd?
I get your brother has scoliosis and needs a bed. However, there's no reason YOU can't sleep on an air mattress or on the sofa. There are other options. If you really like your boyfriend, you'll be willing to find a compromise with him. He's not being unreasonable and options are available. Of course, it's your choice to hold your ground, but don't be shocked if you're single again.
I’m sorry but I’d have my brother on an actual mattress in living room before I’d be sharing my bed. Come on you know that’s weird and should be instant repellent for anyone either of you date.
And how are you gonna date someone that can never stay at your place? Not many adults would stick around for that. You don’t just have a roommate, you have a bedmate and the more I think about it the more I think it’s absolutely weird.
Yeah no, sorry girl. I’m extremely close with my brother and both of us as adults would not be comfortable sleeping in the same bed for an extended period of time. If it was absolutely needed for one night sure, but making it a regular thing cannot be normal.
Why can’t you sleep on the couch or take turns on the couch if it’s really about his back? Or get him a mattress for the floor like other commenters have suggested. Your boyfriend is completely valid in his discomfort.