'My BF is furious because my brother spent the night after going clubbing with me.' UPDATED
"My BF is furious because my brother spent the night after going clubbing with me."
So my brother and I live in different parts of our country and only really see each other once every few months. He was going to be in my town from last Wednesday until Saturday evening.
So we made plans to go clubbing on Friday night with some friends of mine. We hung out and came home around 4 and I only have one bed in my apartment so my brother crashed on my couch.
We both woke up a few hours later, grabbed lunch and went to the airport and my brother headed back over to where he lives. After that he sent me a text when his flight got in safely and that was it.
Now my boyfriend and I don't live together but I stay at his place quite often or he'll stay at mine. He usually works, 2 weeks in, 2 weeks out and he came home yesterday morning so naturally I was pretty excited to see him. I picked him up and we came back to my place. Afterward, while chatting, I mentioned that my brother spent the night at my place and he got kind of weird.
I kind of prodded him to tell me what was up because for the life of me I couldn't figure what would cause him to go so quiet and sullen when just 5 minutes before we were having a flowing conversation.
He told me it was nothing so I left it and then later I asked him again because he was still in a bad mood. He said that he didn't like the idea of another man staying at my place regardless of who it is. And that it will not be happening in future.
I got really confused here because it's my brother, sleeping on my couch for one night after we hung out ? It's not some stranger or hell, even a guy friend of ours. It's my brother. I laughed it off and said you can't be serious, you have to be joking and he got really angry and left my place.
Last night I got an 'angry' text saying that as his girlfriend I have to respect his wishes and while I get respecting what your SO wants, compromise, the works, isn't this ridiculous?
I responded asking him why my brother sleeping on my couch was so bad and he said it just was and that a proper girlfriend doesn't let other men stay over alone with her and that it's incredibly disrespectful to him. More confusion from me because again, this isn't some dude I brought home, it's my BROTHER.
I tried talking to him after this but I got a message saying we'll talk when he's composed himself. What am I to do? I really love my boyfriend but this is just confusing and I don't know how to react.
Also, I should note I've never had any other guys alone at my place, literally only my boyfriend (apart from my brother) has ever been with me alone there, the only other time guys have been there have been if I have a small group get together and that is quite rare.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
If your boyfriend is mad about your brother crashing on your couch after late night clubbing, he's got his priorities all wrong. I'd like to know why he's so upset over your brother staying, another man, sure that'd be understandable, but it's interesting he's angry about family staying in your apartment.
tawaysleptonthecouch (OP)
I don't even know why, I've asked him that several times and all he says is that he doesn't like me having other men over and it's very disrespectful to him.
Your boyfriend is being stupid. Your brother came and spent the night at your house. The end.
Later OP came back with these edits:
Edit: Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been texting the past hour or so, he sent me a hey and I was kind of in a pi#$y mood after he brushed me off last night so I simply replied with are you ready to talk?
He replied okay and so I asked him what the deal was with my brother sleeping on the couch, he's not some random guy from a bar, he's not even a guy 'friend', he's more than that, he's my brother.
I grew up with him, there is absolutely no reason for him to worry or freak out in that situation because, it's my brother of all people, there is literally nothing threatening in that situation, not physically towards me or to our relationship.
His response: I, just am not comfortable with that, I know it's your brother but I think there are boundaries that should be in place, why didn't he got back to the friend's place he stayed at on Wednesday and Thursday?
My response: you're not answering my question and just telling me what you told me last night. Besides, my apartment was actually closer to the club than his friend's place.
Him: We've been together for some time now and I think that as a couple, it looks bad when you let other guys stay over regardless of who they are to you, I would never do something to you like that and I think it's only fair that you reciprocate that, it's hard to explain things because I know you can't see them from my perspective.
Him cont'd: you shouldn't really need other guys so close with you, why couldn't you just put your brother in a cab and send him on his way just like we'd normally do with all our other friends. Anyway I have a meeting now I'll talk to you later, enjoy your day babe, bye.
Edit2: Ughhh everyone I don't even know how the hell to react right now, this is the first time he's ever acted like this. He's met my brother before and they've always gotten along well.
Seventeen days later, the OP returned with an update.
So against better judgement, I did not immediately break up with my boyfriend. I tried convincing myself it was a one time thing, maybe he was just having a rough patch and I tried pushing it down.
I did tell my brother what happened and he replied saying, he'd always thought my boyfriend and him were cool with each other at the very least. He then told me my boyfriend is being nuts and if I need to crash for a few days I could come on up to his end.
So the rest of the week remained tense with my boyfriend but closer to the weekend, it was relaxed (ish) we went on a date, hung out with some friends at a bar together and yet for the life of me I couldn't figure out reasons for his outburst.
So on Sunday I asked him again, now that you seem in a better mood, would it be so bad if I asked what was up last week? And once again mood went from friendly and relaxed to arctic. He simply asked me if I had to keep bringing up BS when we were doing okay again.
I got pretty angry at him and told him to leave my apartment. Since Sunday I've been stewing and just looking back at our relationship, sure I have my friends, but we hang with them much less, the ones we do hang out with are more his friends and people that he is cool with being with.
It was rough but looking back on it, I started seeing controlling behaviour from him that I'd never taken up on due to either just being head over heels and willing to compromise on everything and by compromise I mean roll over and give up.
We talked last night and I gave him an ultimatum, something I never expected to give in any relationship, either you sit and try to talk this out with me like a rational person, no BS answers and no dodging questions or we break up.
Instead of having a conversation, he broke down and started telling me I was the best thing he's ever had and that he has issues that he can't even begin to explain and that he doesn't want to lose me.
Now, I'm sorry if this is the part that makes me seem like a b-word but it wasn't the answer I wanted or deserved, not when I'd been the one rolling over and giving him whatever throughout our entire relationship so I told him that it was best if we didn't see each other anymore and that he should leave my apartment.
He left and spent almost 2 hours just sitting in his car in front my place before leaving when it was close to 12. So, yeah, we broke up. I admit I feel more saddened than relieved so I'm hoping I don't do something stupid like drunk dial him or call him over because I'm lonely or something like that. But yeah, we're not together anymore, it sucks but it had to be done.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
I don't think you were being a b-word- I think you opted out of being manipulated. He was trying to pull your strings and you didn't let him, which I think was a solid choice. Well done!
Classic signs of isolating. Glad she saw sense and got away.
Not just isolating. If he thinks she would sleep with her brother, then he thinks siblings sleeping together is a normal thing to expect. Or maybe his “issues” involve exactly that. Projection?
I don’t think it was that he thought she’d sleep with her brother. It’s that he didn’t like that she was emotionally intimate enough with her brother to have him over like that in the first place.
Ab&^%$s work to control their victim’s social life to cut off avenues of escape before escalating their abuse, and her brother was definitely an avenue of escape, as evidenced by him immediately offering her space to run to if she needed it.
I wanna know if this dude would have lost his mind if it was her father staying over at her place. I'm guessing yes, because he sounds insane.