'My boyfriend gave me a promise ring instead of an engagement ring on Christmas morning'
"My boyfriend gave me a promise ring instead of an engagement ring on Christmas morning."
So for some context, we’ve been together for two years. I’m 40f, he’s 42m. We both co-parent his 7 year old. I am very involved with his family, helping his mom in memory care, close with his dad. His daughter says I’m “like a mother” to her.
After all gifts were opened this morning, he told me to look in a box and there was a box with two diamond and emerald rings - one for me and one for him. He said “I love you, you’re the love of my life. We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together.”
I’m obviously thrilled- he put the ring on my left ring finger and his on his left ring finger. I text my mom in front of him, telling her and showing her the ring. (Side note- I was almost married 10 yrs ago at 30 which fell through after I’d already bought a wedding dress, planned part of wedding- it was really humiliating to break the news to my family when I told them we called it off.)
so, he never “asked me to marry him” but made this huge romantic gesture giving me this ring in front of his daughter and father, playing one of our special songs. Very romantic.
Well, it turns out, I was mistaken. I asked him, “wow, you really want to marry me?!” And he pulled me into our bedroom for a private conversation. He said “I thought we talked about never getting married. I thought you said you never wanted to get married.”
I told him no, we’ve never even talked about this. He asked if I wanted to marry him and I said yes, I do want that for us. Then, he didn’t want to get married again because his last marriage was so awful. I told him “I’ve never heard you say this.” He said “this is a promise time to be together forever as partners but not get married.”
This is a little late to tell me this- after you made this grand romantic gesture in front of your family and I’ve texted my mom about it. I’m so embarrassed”. Am I wrong? I’m so upset, I took a 15 min shower, and am cooking for the day. I drank some brandy.
He is very sad and said “I feel like I ruined Christmas”. Well, it’s tough for me to disagree. Will you please give me your thoughts, opinions? Should I let it go? Is it justifiable that I’m upset? It’s all so confusing.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Yes, it's justifiable that you're upset. I'm so sorry.
OP: Don't set it aside, take it for real. Decide if you can accept this long term or do you want to break up? Think about getting into counseling/therapy so you can really process this and get some support. Question if you want to invest so much emotion, time and energy into the relationship and his family. Maybe not.
This sucks! He’s a jerk, you’re not wrong. Sounds like he wants all the perks and none of the risk. Time to stop playing wifey and time to be paid for your in-home care services or let him take care of his mother.
Seriously have a deep think on this and decide if he’s willing to meet your needs? If he truly is the one then he’ll step up. Maybe he was truly under the impression you didn’t want to get married so he took on that mindset and didn’t react well on the spot.
You want to be with someone who wants to be with you. Is crazy about you and willing to do anything. Marriage gives you tax breaks and other financial and medical benefits. It’s about taking care of each other.
You're justified. It's a bad move. I wouldn't stay in the relationship, though. He sounds manipulative, saying you ruined his Christmas because he can't effectively communicate. Hard pass. I have zero patience for that kind of behavior.
I’m upset for you, OP - and see no reason why you shouldn’t be upset. You say you are co-parenting his 7-year-old kid? Please look up “bang nanny”, then re-evaluate what you are even doing with him.
I would be upset, too. Also, promise rings are for teenagers or young adults. I have never heard of anyone doing the promise ring thing if they weren’t a teen or young adult.
Plus, a promise ring is pretty much a promise to get engaged later on. So, he wants you to spend the rest of his life with you, but not get married? This makes no sense, as it screams “I want to be able to run away in a heartbeat if I want to.”
Oh lordy. I would be drinking brandy too. Yes I would be pissed. "We expressly said we would never marry" BS. Now HE is sad? Oh please. I would tell him to cook dinner (for his Dad and daughter) and go out by myself for a while.
Honestly I would seek therapy for why you are doing everything for these guys including taking care of aging parents, kids, the domestic labor. I can see why he wants a ring on your finger even with no marriage. You are a valuable resource! But with no commitment or financial involvement.
?!?!?!? My jaw is on the floor. What?! No, no sane and reasonable person goes through all those steps and then expects the recipient to conclude they didn’t actually want to get married. It’s like….what is it even like? I’m at a loss for words.
It’s maybe like saying, “I‘m ordering pizza from ABC Pizza. Let me know what you want.” “OK, great! Thanks. I’d like a thin crust Margherita pizza, please.” “Perfect. I’m ordering it now.” He sets the table. The pizza arrives.
You go to open the box and serve the pizza. “Wait, what are you doing?” “I’m taking out the pizza so we can eat it.” “Oh, no, no. I thought we agreed we would never eat pizza. We can just leave it in the box and admire it from a distance. Why would you think otherwise?”