'I made excuses for his absences until he admitted he didn't love me.' AITA? UPDATED
"Me with my boyfriend of 4.5 years. He is unwilling to say 'yes' to the little things that make me happy. (a double date with my friends, dinner with my family)"
Background- He and I have been together since junior year of high school. We've lived together at his childhood home with his mother and siblings for the past two years.
Overall, our relationship is pretty harmonious. When I talk to other people about our SO's, I'm usually thanking my lucky stars for the guy I've got because we are compatible in so many ways and rarely fight.
We all contribute equally financially to the running of the house, and this includes my (obviously) deep involvement in his family dynamic. I'm ever-willing to help around the house, and contribute positively to the needs of everyone in the household, especially boyfriend. I'm a people-pleaser in all dimensions of my life, including our relationship.
Boyfriend is not. I often joke that he must have some form of oppositional defiant disorder (I am aware this is not a joke for those with actual diagnoses, please don't take offense), because it feels as though the majority of the non-essential requests I make of him receive NO's in response.
Basic things like can I borrow your laptop or will you pick up X on your way home are not the issue. But when I ask about "girly" (for lack of a better description) stuff like going on double dates with my friends or seeing my family, he utterly shuts down with no explanation.
I'm never even graced with detail like "I don't want to hang out with so-and-so because she annoys me," or "your uncle's jokes aren't funny." He just straight up shuts down and says something along the lines of "nah I'm all set... Its not gonna happen..." or flat-out "no way."
The most recent examples:
My family threw a graduation party for myself (college) and my twin cousins (high school.) Boyfriend also graduated from college this year, so my mom wanted to take the opportunity to celebrate his achievement as well.
She even painted his name on the beautiful "congratulations" banner alongside mine and my cousins, and he was included in the shower of cards and gifts coming from aunts and uncles. It goes without saying that my family has accepted him as "one of us" in the warmest way possible, and my mother lovingly refers to him as her son.
This would be fantastic if boyfriend had been willing to attend the party. I gave him several weeks notice, even a three-day countdown if you will. Refused to attend. Refused to justify or give any valid reasons why he didn't attend, other than the non-obligatory plans he made the same day for the sole purpose of avoiding the party.
I was at a loss for how to deal with this besides attempts at verbal communication when I got home. Showed him the banner. Gave him the cards. Mentioned that my friends (a couple who will come into the story again soon) even brought his favorite beer to share because I'd mentioned it to them in conversation before.
Said how much everyone missed him and how awkward it was for me to continually make up excuses for why he didn't come to a party thrown partially in his honor. In return I got a half-assed apology and the subject was changed. I remained defeated because I didn't throw the pathetic crying fit that was brewing in my head because those never get anyone anywhere.
~Fast forward to today. The same couple (I've hung out with them both, talked positively about this boyfriend of mine, they're dying to meet him and haven't yet, same couple who brought boyfriend's favorite beer to the party he blew off) suggested a double date for tomorrow night. I asked boyfriend. His answer was "I'm willing to go out with you, but I don't want to see anyone else."
Mind you, he hasn't even met these people and I've never even had the chance to tell him much about them. We see each other every single day, so it isn't like he misses me and we're lacking alone time.
I try several different angles to try and convince him that it could be fun. "We've never been to the drive in before!" "X cool movie is playing!" "it's only 6 bucks!" "we can smoke in the car!" "Jane and John Doe are such cool people, I think you'd get along great!"
Brick wall. "I'm all set with that." "Just stop" "STOP" "I'M NOT GOING" etc. No explanation or justification. No flexibility for different plans or a different night or any compromise whatsoever.
Boyfriend is not, never has been, and never will be a "whipped" guy, and that is the LAST thing I'd want from a relationship. We lead independent, productive lives with separate jobs, friends, and school. This has worked for almost five years now. I rarely even ask for our friend groups to cross, only because I know that this is the result.
I'll occasionally tag along on adventures with his buddies, and ultimately see more of his friends at our house than my own group because he invites them over to work on cars, bikes, etc in our garage/chill spot, and that's just groovy. I like his friends. They are my friends too.
But if I try to reverse the situation and invite him out with my friends (co-ed situations, I'm not asking him to join us for mani-pedis at the mall) he refuses to participate. If I have my friends over, he busies himself with anything but what we're doing.
The same system applies to his family. If he's seeing relatives or having dinner with parents, I'm almost always involved and welcomed there. If I'm doing the same with my family, it's like pulling teeth to get him to participate.
tl;dr: Boyfriend won't meet me halfway on things like double dates with my friends and participation in family events. It feels like I'm doing all the giving and he isn't reciprocating.
It leaves me in the awkward position of always making up excuses for why he isn't by my side, which I feel reflects poorly on me and our relationship and leaves me feeling alone. How do I effectively tell him that he's being a complete dick without sounding like just another typical whiny girlfriend?
Six days later, the OP returned with an update.
I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to respond and offer their advice. After a long talk the result was to break up because he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore.
I'm heartbroken but my brain understands and accepts his reasons. I don't feel like writing the entire saga out, I just wanted to offer an update and thank everybody who was kind enough to try and help.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Crazy after all of this HE broke up with her… at least there are no babies involved.
This is insane! I know there are lots of people who string along their boyfriend/girlfriend and pretend to be more in love than they are because they like the sex/money/housecleaning/whatever, but to move that person into your parents' house and basically have your parents adopt them as another child is not a move I would expect from that type of person.
And then he draws the line at meeting her friends and hanging out with her parents? He must not have even liked the sex and money all that much if he can't suck it up and spend a couple hours at a restaurant with her friends to keep it coming. This is just bizarre. Makes me think maybe he's just a moron.
All I can do is wonder if he was this disinterested in socializing with her friends/family the entire 4.5 years or if it got progressively worse? Because I cannot imagine making excuses for him for literal years when he ultimately has no interest in her friends or family.
It sounds like OOP’s (ex) boyfriend has been checked out of the relationship for a while especially with clean break up. Either that or he just wanted a roommate with benefits type of deal but if that was case I kind of doubt it would be clean breakup.
I feel bad for this girl. The self esteem issues you have to have to let people treat you like this :(