AITA when my boyfriend said 'What? And you're just leaving all the dishes like this?'
"AITA when my boyfriend said 'What? And you're just leaving all the dishes like this?'"
thehellcat
My boyfriend and I are in our 30s, and live separately. He wanted to invite mutual friends over yesterday for a BBQ. I arrived at his place early and made a pasta salad, compound butter for the steak, a salad and homemade dressing.
I also baked a homemade apple crisp and prepared the veggie skewers for the BBQ while he was getting showered and dressed, and put out the snacks. I cleaned up the kitchen and washed all the dishes I had used for prep.
Later, the BF BBQed the steak and skewers while I set the table. After the guests went home, he cleaned up the BBQ and put away the chairs while I started on the kitchen and the dishes.
He came in when he was done and asked me why I hadn't washed all the dessert dishes yet. I said the dishwasher was full and almost done, they could go in it next. He sat down and scrolled on his phone while I kept cleaning for a few more minutes.
I was kind of annoyed that he didn't come and help me. I figured we were both just tired after the long day. I packed up my serving dishes and kitchen stuff and told him I was heading home. As I was heading out the door, he came over and said, "What? And you're just leaving all the dishes like this?" in an annoyed tone. I said yes, and goodbye.
Today over text I told him that this comment made me feel unappreciated and as if he thought cleaning was my "job" to do, and that I had already put in a lot of effort for the day. He said he didn't mean it like that. He said what he MEANT by those words was, "Can we align on what's left to be done?".
Am I over-reacting to keep insisting on an apology for that comment? He has a history of not admitting he is wrong or apologizing so I am riled up when he does it, even though the issue might be small. Am I being petty here?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
SJoyD
"Can we align on what's left to be done?"
Can he not see what's left with his powers of observation? There's nothing to align on. He'll need to do the dishes that are left, and should have known that.
Igotanewpen
No, you are not being petty. It was his guests, in his home and he should have shown some gratitude for all your help.
Scary_Sarah
"Can we align on what's left to be done?"
This means that he told you what to do and you didn't do it, and he doesn't want you to leave without you doing it. He's treating you like an employee, so yikes.
Even employees get breaks and have co-workers who pitch in. No you're not overreacting and if you want to get married and have a family with him, this treatment will only get worse and worse.
bigolsparkyisme
His place...his dishes...his problem.
Ok-Analyst-5801
His home, his party, his guests. Sounds like you did 75% of the prep work, most of the cleanup, then he had the balls to be upset you left him with some, not all, just some of the dishes. That's not ok.
zanne54
"What? And you're just leaving all the dishes like this?" in an annoyed tone.
He said what he MEANT by those words was, "Can we align on what's left to be done?".
I call BS. He treated you like his (unpaid) caterer. You did ALL the prep and his contribution was taking shower and getting dressed. Are his fingers broken that he can't wash a few dishes himself?
Or did he burn them slaving away over a bbq with a beer/drink in hand? And are his eyes broken? Can't he look around his kitchen and see what is left to be done? Why is it your responsibility to manage the kitchen chores?
tanyagrzez
Not overreacting. You did your prep dishes before the guests even arrived. I could understand him wanting those ones done by you specifically (I guess), but you already had.
I have no idea what "Can we align on what's left to be done?" is supposed to mean. This could just be a communication error on his part, and you both being tired from prepping and hosting.
But I think a clarification of what he did actually mean, and how it sounded dismissive of the work you had already put in that day. It sounds like a clear conversation is necessary. But if that reveals that his original intent was indeed rude, then you know how he feels about your work and worth.
The OP responded here:
thehellcat
I would love to have a clear conversation about how I feel like he expects me to do more work or doesn't appreciate what I do for events like this. BUT...When I've brought this up in previous situations about putting in more effort and being automatically expected to cook and clean, he has said things like:
"But I paid for more of the food" (he put in about $100 for this BBQ, I put in $50), or
"I didn't ask you to make things from scratch, that's your own choice to do more work", or "Well you are better at cooking and cleaning so there are some things I just can't do", or "Well I provided the space and the BBQ so you can provide the cooking and cleaning".
To me it honestly feels sexist, or that he has a natural blind spot for the work I put in which I don't feel is conscious, and he has never been able to see my perspective on this issue.
At other, unrelated times, he has mentioned that he would love a woman to do the cooking and cleaning, or wishes he had a private chef, or wishes he lived in a hotel where he didn't have to do any chores.
Its confusing for him to admit that, but then when I call him out on acting like this it's all, "Oh no, I actually deserve to do less work for some reason". Like that's kind of fishy... right?? I'm honestly getting confused myself.
theonetheycallgator
I would be far more bothered by his inability to apologize for something that he now knows bothered you. This is not a trait that will improve over time. Something as miniscule as dishes or a party cleanup is one thing, but if hes unable to get a simple "I'm sorry, I would never mean to disrespect you" out of his mouth for this, what happens in serious matters?