'I refuse to have kids. My boyfriend of three years says I’m 'wasting his time.' AITA?' UPDATED
"I refuse to have kids. My boyfriend of three years says I’m 'wasting his time.' AITA?"
I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for three years. We’ve always had a pretty good relationship — minimal fights, supportive of each other’s goals, decent communication (most of the time). But there’s always been one major difference between us: I don’t want kids.
I made that clear a year into the relationship. I didn’t just say it once — I reminded him multiple times over the years, especially when we talked about future plans. He always said something like “people change their minds,” or “you’ll feel differently when you’re older.”
Well, fast forward to now. He recently sat me down and told me he’s “ready to start a family.” I told him (again) that I still don’t want kids. He got quiet, then blew up and said I “wasted three years of his life” and that I “led him on.”
I told him that’s not fair — he knew how I felt, and I’ve been consistent from the beginning. I even suggested that if having kids is something he truly wants, maybe we’re just not compatible long-term. He called me selfish for “throwing away everything we built.”
Now he’s giving me the cold shoulder and saying I’ll “regret this when I’m alone at 30.” I feel bad, but also… I don’t think I did anything wrong? I was honest the whole time. So, AITA for refusing to have kids and “wasting his time”?
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
Hey everyone, I didn’t expect so many responses, but I wanted to post a quick edit and explain my side a bit more clearly. First off, I’m not anti-kid (for the people in my DMs). I just don’t want to be a parent. It’s not something I ever pictured for myself.
I like my freedom, I like traveling, I like being able to decide things without another life depending on me. And honestly, I’ve seen what parenthood looks like for people who didn’t really want it. It wouldn’t be fair to the kid or the parents.
When we first started dating, I wasn’t trying to waste anyone’s time. I told him straight up that I didn’t want kids, even though I knew that might scare people off. He said he respected that and that we’d cross that bridge later. But I guess I assumed he actually meant that, not “I’ll change your mind someday.”
Now he’s saying he thought I’d “grow out of” that mindset. But it’s not a phase — it’s just who I am. I’m only 23, and I still have things I want to do. I don’t want to resent anyone later because I gave in to something so life-changing just to make somebody happy.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Get an IUD NOW!!! Men like him will baby trap.women like you. Better yet? Break up and let him find his baby mama.
Were is the ring? If he's ready to be a father, why hasn't he asked you to marry him?! And where is your ire at this man trying to make you a baby mama?? Break up with him and tell him this. You don't want kids, but even if you did you wouldn't on purpose let some man make you a single mother.
Not TA. He k ew from the get go and was hoping he could convince you and now he is acting out because he didn’t get his own way. Walk away because it won’t get any better.
NTA. You were upfront from the get-go. Whereas he thought either 1) he could wear you down or 2) that you're too stupid to know what you want. Either way, I'd dump him if I were you.
Not to mention being verbally abusive after she stood her ground again and then being told she is the problem if she breaks up with him and if she stays without “consenting” (quotes because having to be convinced to have a child isn’t actually consent) to be a mother. So her only choice of him not verbally berating her is to give him his way? Gross.
NTA however every time you reminded him you don’t want kids, where his response was that you’d change your mind - you should’ve ended it then already. However, whether anyone is the jerk here really doesn’t matter.
You’re either 1) going stay with him and be extremely unhappy. Or 2) fall pregnant “somehow” and be extremely unhappy. This relationship is done. No amount of fighting and arguing is going to change anything, prolonging this will not lead to anything positive.
This! I don't want kids and never have. If I was dating someone and they said they definitely wanted kids, I broke it off. I meant what I said and if that person envisioned their life with kids, I did not want to be the one to change their mind and then they resent me for it later. Same if they said I would change my mind. I never wanted kids, and I knew this at a young age.
YTA. For punishing yourself and continuing the relationship when you don't align on this. Relationships don't survive one partner wanting kids and one not. You need to pull the plug for yours and his sake.
Tbh, y'all should've broken up as soon as y'all realized he wants kids and you don't. It's like you're both waiting for the other person to change their mind about something really important.
You need to break up him, this is a non negotiable and staying with him now will truly be wasting his time, and yours. It will be painful but it needs to be done. He also clearly doesn't respect what you say and like a lot of guys assume that you will change your mind.
I'm 41 happily married to the man of my dreams and no kids by choice. My husband and I had that conversation 2 months in when we had "the talk". Your soon to be ex is being immature and manipulative if he thinks he can pressure you to change your mind. He probably doesn't realize he's doing it either.
He loves you and wants you to be the mother of his children and was hoping he could change your mind. Now resentment is kicking in and if you truely dont want kids, then do the hard thing, rip off the bandaid and let him go find someone who wants what he wants and you too Xoxo.
That's immature on both of your parts. ESH for that reason alone. Just break up so y'all can find people who have the same life goals. You deserve to not be pressured into having kids, and he deserves the chance to try to have kids with someone who also wants them. Quit punishing each other.