'My boyfriend still relies on me financially and I'm starting to resent it.' AITA? 'I started tracking everything.'

"My boyfriend (32, M) still relies on me financially — and I (31, F) am starting to resent it..."

I (31F) have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. At the beginning, he presented himself as someone who had his life and finances under control, which I found really attractive. But early on, I noticed all his accounts were under his mom’s name, so he had to constantly ask her to transfer money or make payments for him.

It started with small things: his phone would die or his payment app “wouldn’t work,” and I’d end up covering dinner or whatever we were doing. He’d say he’d pay me back, but I often had to remind him several times. I started tracking everything in Splitwise to keep things fair.

In January, he proposed a trip. I was hesitant because I had just left my job in November and was job hunting, so my finances were tight. He told me not to worry and that he’d cover anything if it went beyond my budget.

Of course, on the trip, the same pattern happened. He brought some cash and a card, but ran out of money and said his app wasn’t working again — so I ended up paying for almost everything for 3 weeks.

When we got back, he had no new projects in his consulting business and literally no money. When I asked him to at least start paying back what he owed, he had a panic attack and we had a huge fight. He had nothing to live on — which made me wonder why he even agreed to a trip.

We broke up for a month after that, but eventually got back together. Since then, I feel like I’ve been carrying a lot. In March and April, I covered most of our expenses, or at best he paid his own share. He also asked me for money twice again. I’ve started to feel really anxious when we go out to eat.

Right now, he still owes me around $400 from last year (including the trip), and about $400 from this year that I’ve lent him in smaller amounts. He has paid back some of what he owed — but only after I repeatedly insisted or basically begged him to do so, which has been really exhausting emotionally.

The thing is, I’m also going through a rough time. I’ve been unemployed since November and actively looking for work. I’ve told him this — that I’m also financially stretched — and once when I brought it up, he told me he understood, but that his situation was worse than mine. That really stuck with me, because it made me feel like my struggles didn’t count.

Yesterday we went to lunch. He ordered $40 worth of food, I ordered $20. At the end, he said his phone had died again and asked me to pay — saying he’d pay me back later.

I said okay, but later at home I reminded him about it and told him I wasn’t going to let these things slide anymore. He told me to wait 30 minutes so his mom could transfer money, and I suggested I just put it on Splitwise so it wouldn’t be forgotten. He refused and insisted I wait.

That annoyed me because this has happened so many times. I got upset and brought up the fact that recently he received some money and chose to pay back his cousin and another family member first — but not me. I told him that hurt because it felt like I was his last priority.

That’s when he told me (for the first time) that his cousin had threatened to destroy his house and kill him if he didn’t pay him back. He said I had no idea what he was going through and how much stress he was under. I said I understood, but before I could finish, he got up, slammed the door, and left my apartment.

The thing is…he’s a good person in many ways. He’s loving, attentive, wants to spend time with me and cares about me. I see that he’s trying to get back on his feet, and I don’t want to kick him while he’s down. But I also feel used and anxious, like I can’t even bring up money without a huge emotional reaction...

And I’m not in a position to keep supporting someone financially when I’m struggling too. So, AITA for insisting he pay me back right away and not being more understanding? Should I apologize for how I reacted?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Accomplished_Sky_219 said:

NTA, leave now. I WAS this dude. I only grew up once I was on my own and had no sig other to mooch off of. Sad and crappy I know, but I'm proud of how I grew from that. He will be too. You won't fix him.

Artistic-Tough-7764 said:

This does not sound like a good match. NTA.

burner_suplex said:

NTA. This dude is a user. You're not his girl friend, you're a source of money. He's going to keep doing this until you tell him no more, then he'll find some other poor woman to mooch off of. Dump him like last week's trash.

jac0209 said:

Um 100% NTA. And honestly, I think you would be better off without him. I understand that he may have those good qualities that you shared, but regardless of those few good qualities, this man sounds like a walking red flag.

Why is a 32 year old man’s accounts in his mom’s name? And clearly he doesn’t even at least have access to those accounts if he has to always ask his mom to transfer money for him, so that means his mom has total control of his finances. That is not normal.

What is his mom doing with all of his money that she is controlling? And why does he, a 32 year old man, even allow his mother to have all of his accounts in her name with total control of all of it?

TripleDoubleFart said:

NTA. He's not a man yet, and he's not ready for a relationship. You need to have a serious talk with him if you want to continue the relationship.

VisibleSandwichwPest said:

You staying in this relationship after realizing a 31 year old boy still has momma paying his bills is something. I don’t know if you wanted to fix him or expected him to mature quickly but both aren’t happening anytime soon imo with the situations you laid out. You’re going to need to have a sit down with him and talk it out of what you need going forward and if he’s up to the task.