'My boyfriend's best friend came out and has feelings for him. What do I do?' MAJOR UPDATE

"Boyfriend's best friend came out and has feelings for him."

My boyfriend (28m) and I (32f) have been together for 3 years. He is insanely social and I am more of a stay in and do crafts kind of person but it works. Recently our schedules have been pretty opposite and we usually only see each other 3 days a week. He has a best friend Thomas (33m) who is recently going through a divorce with a woman and has been spending a lot of time with him.

I have always gotten the vibe that Thomas was queer in some form just by the way he talks about men. He recently came out to my boyfriend and told him it's the real reason for his divorce. My boyfriend is very straight and doesn't really know a lot of gay people but I have a ton of queer friends and told him to be extra sensitive and treat Thomas like he is no different.

When my boyfriend told me about Thomas, I told him that I was proud of him for living his true life but hopefully the soon to be ex-wife is doing okay. They have been spending a lot of time together and Thomas frequently stays over at his place because he works in the city but lives like 45 minutes away.

They work together so obviously I understood the convenience factor and I was happy they were having fun. My boyfriend left out a MAJOR part of Thomas coming out in my opinion that Thomas also said he's had a crush on my boyfriend since they met and has feelings for him.

I asked him when he told him that and he said around a month ago. I know my boyfriend wouldn't cheat and I am very confident he doesn't have feelings for men in general. But the thought of someone crushing on him, drinking with him and sleeping over doesn't feel great to me.

I don't ever want to be the type of partner that isolates someone from a friend but I want to set a boundary. I'm not sure what that boundary needs to be because based on my initial reaction, my boyfriend said he will just stop hanging out with Thomas and I said I am not asking him to do that.

I explained to him that if I had someone who had a crush on me sleepover regularly he would feel weird about that and he agreed. I really don't know how to handle the situation and feel like I almost sound homophobic setting boundaries after Thomas just came out.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

[deleted] wrote:

If nothing else, it’s not healthy to spend this much time with someone you fancy, who is in a relationship/where it will never happen.

OP responded:

This was my thought too, it definitely doesn't feel like Thomas respects our relationship right now.

One_Shallot_4974 wrote:

This is just basic relationship boundaries.

You don't have people sleeping over who are physically interested openly in you and/or your partner unless you are into that.

[deleted] responded:

Going to echo this. My good friend came out to me and then a few weeks later told me he was into me. I am not gay or bi. I was also in a relationship at the time. I had to have a frank discussion with him. I asked him if we could be friends or if that would be too hard. He didn’t think we could be friends so we drifted apart for a while.

Later, after he had come out to everyone and was actively dating we connected and he told me that he knew I was safe and he confused that safety with mutual attraction. He also told me that while I am his type; he overstepped and apologized. We’re now good friends. Setting boundaries isn’t a bad thing. It can be healthy.

OP responded:

That's interesting and something I was taking into account as well since Thomas is going through a lot of changes right now. My boyfriend is insanely kind and a great listener so maybe Thomas is confusing some of his romantic feelings with safety.

eggalones wrote:

I get the impulse on a boundary, but it’s not your place - it’s his. Tell him you’re uncomfortable, sure, but don’t also set the rules. See what rule he sets and then talk about it. The rules will cause a wedge if you set them, but he’ll thank you for supporting him if he sets the same rule for himself. Respect your partners autonomy even though it’s challenging here.

OP responded:

Thank you for this. One things I love about our relationship is we don't try to control each other and respect each others lives outside of one another. I think my boyfriend can be a bit of a people pleaser and literally just laughed and said "sorry I am not into dudes." when Thomas confessed his feelings.

I hope he has a deeper discussion with Thomas about these feelings he has and what that means for their friendship moving forward.

anonamoal responded:

How could that be his best friend and he didn't know he was gay all this time?

OP responded:

I think Thomas played the straight guy for a long time, he's been married to a woman for like 8 years so I guess it could have been overlooked.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

A few of you asked for an update so here it goes. Some of you thought my boyfriend was secretly gay, some of you thought I was a controlling paranoid bitch but majority of you told me I just need to have a long talk with my boyfriend and that is what I did.

I work at a cafe a few blocks away from my boyfriend's place and luckily they let me have an hour long break so I got my boyfriend a breakfast sandwich and told him we really need to talk about Thomas.

He responded with "yes we definitely do." I told him that I know he is not a cheater and I don't think anything would happen between the two of them but Thomas always sleeping over when I am unavailable is making me uncomfortable.

He told me Thomas was making him uncomfortable too and he just hasn't taken the time to process all of this. He told me that he had a story from his childhood that he was deeply ashamed of. Basically his good childhood friend came out to him freshman year and also said he had feelings for him. He responded very badly and told him to to never talk to him again.

He said his friend ended up quitting sports and getting severely depressed and when he tried to apologize after high school the friend told him he does not accept it. My boyfriend had tears in his eyes telling me this and said that he will never forgive himself for acting so cruel.

He then broke down the exact conversation he had with Thomas. He said he was telling Thomas about a fun day we had at this local fair and how on the Ferris Wheel he was looking at me and realized he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said Thomas gave him a strange look and told him he needed to tell him something.

Thomas told him that the reason he is getting divorced is because he is gay and was never attracted to his wife. That's when he proceeded to tell my boyfriend that he is insanely attracted to him and he's his exact type of man. My boyfriend said he tried to respond basically opposite of his freshman self and just thanked him for being honest and open about himself.

My boyfriend told me he realizes he should have told him explicitly that he doesn't feel the same but figured he would know that based on the way he talks about me. One thing I had completely forgotten about is that Thomas is technically his boss now (I remember us all celebrating his promotion but didn't put it together that he was his boss now).

My boyfriend told me he felt pressure to still let him crash all the time at his place because of his divorce and he tried to just pretend he didn't admit having feelings for him for the sake of their friendship. My boyfriend then had a talk with Thomas and it didn't go well.

He told Thomas that he would never have those feelings for him and the sleepovers feel kind of weird now. Thomas blamed me and started calling me a controlling partner but my boyfriend shut it down and told him that this was all coming from him and he should just start looking for his own apartment in the city. Later that night I got a phone call from Thomas.

I could tell he had been drinking a lot but I hoped he was calling to apologize or at least compromise. That was not the case. He started off by saying that my boyfriend could do so much better than me and that I am just a "scrappy gold-digger." My boyfriend and Thomas work in finance and I work at a cafe so yes, my boyfriend makes a lot more money than me but I still pay my own way in life.

Thomas went on to say my boyfriend should be with someone in the same tax bracket as him and then told me "you're really not as pretty as you think" and "you dress like a poor person." It pissed me off so I told him he sounded like a snob douche bag and he's only saying this because my boyfriend basically rejected him.

He then told me that if he would have made a move at the right time he could have convinced my boyfriend to cheat which I found insanely creepy. He then started going off on a misogynistic rant about how woman are just trying to trap all the attractive men and we are all horrible, blah blah blah. I ended up hanging up on him.

I immediately called my boyfriend and he was PISSED! I actually have never heard my boyfriend so mad but he told me that Thomas is a creepy weirdo and he feels so gross that he was best friends with him for years. I told him he might want to have a talk with HR just to be safe so that Thomas doesn't retaliate and that the whole thing is insanely inappropriate, especially because it's his boss.

I feel so bad for my boyfriend because he's lost his best friend and now his job will be weird at the very least. The thing about my boyfriend is he loves his job and takes it very seriously. At first I felt like part of this was my fault but after reflecting I am happy I brought it to light because it sounded like Thomas was basically planning to sexually assault my boyfriend after a drunken night.

My boyfriend has been sad today and took the day off and I really wish I could fix things. I think he's nervous about work and I don't blame him but it breaks my heart seeing him like this. We did take my dog to the beach and my dog is such a goof and my boyfriend was laughing a lot so that was good. Thank you everyone for all the advice and I really wish things didn't play out this way.

The internet was deeply invested in the update.

chokoanhanta22 wrote:

Girl, I'm so happy for you because, like A LOT of us said, the whole sleeping over thing was the perfect opportunity for something physical to happen between them, whether your boyfriend consented or not. Letting someone who admitted having feelings for him sleep at his house, with alcohol involved, is the perfect recipe for something crazy to happen.

Thomas is a predator. He doesn't deserve the kindness you guys showed him when he came out. You guys need to check on his ex wife, I feel so bad for her. Plus, she might be of help when, not if, but when Thomas starts messing with your boyfriend's job.

OP responded:

Thank you, I am also happy that nothing happened in those regards but it literally crushes my heart seeing my boyfriend so sad and nervous. My boyfriend is genuinely one of the kindest people I have ever met and he says he feels like such an idiot now. They were best friends for like 5 years so he has a lot to process and I am honestly super worried what work is going to be like for him on Monday.

[deleted] wrote:

Did you record the call when Thomas called you? Please save every single text and record every single conversation you have with him from now on. He thought he could guilt, and pressure(with him being his boss and all) your boyfriend into being intimate with him, that's disgusting behavior.

OP responded:

I didn't record the call and I really wish that I did! I genuinely assumed he was going to apologize and it all just took me off guard. Thomas has blocked us on everything so there really isn't much evidence of his gross behavior.

Made_Bail wrote:

This is a weirdly comforting update, actually, because it just proves that men can be jealous, controlling dbags regardless of their orientation. Glad you guys dodged this bullet!