Woman tired of boyfriend's mom bragging about what a good mother she is for letting son date a blind woman. AITA?
"WIBTA If I told my boyfriend's mom to stop using my disability as an example of how 'good of a mother' she is?"
This needs some context which I will provide. I am partially blind, this has never affected my work and I can do everything just fine, it also doesn't affect me on an emotional level as I was born this way and I honestly don't give it much thought.
Me and my boyfriend have only been dating for about 5 months now but I met his mother really early in our relationship since we work at the same restaurant and she often came to have coffee here.
This post is not to bash her in anyway she is an amazing woman and we get along really well. The issue I have is that she always strongly stated that she has always told my boyfriend that she doesn't care who he dates as long as he is happy, her words " fat, slim, tall, blonde, brunette, white, Hispanic, black, I do not care as long as she makes my son happy".
She found out about my disability when she noticed I need to be really close to things to be able to read something and asked me about it. Now whenever she goes on her rent of "I don't care who my son dates" she makes it a point to bring up my partial blindness as an example of the categories she has listed.
This honestly makes me quite uncomfortable and I'm sure she doesn't mean it in a harmful way. That is why I am wondering if I would be the asshole to bring it up with her or just suck it up and deal with it because she is quite a people pleaser.
So, I know she will be VERY upset to find out she is making me uncomfortable because I'm sure she doesn't realise how that might be offensive to me. I am just asking, WIBTA If I told my boyfriends mom to stop bringing my disability up as an example of how " good of a mother" she is?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
StAlvis
NTA
"Whenever she goes on her rant of 'I don't care who my son dates,' she makes it a point to bring up my partial blindness."
Whenever? How in the world does the opportunity to make this statement of hers come up frequently enough for this to be an issue? On what occasions is she talking about this?
Careful-Solid-8242 (OP)
She brings this topic up whenever I'm introduced to new people on their side, she often brings her colegs to have coffee at the restaurant We work at, I have met a few of their family members and so on, so it does come up a little often.
Future-Crazy-CatLady
That's really weird, most people don't go "let me introduce you to my son's GF, by the way, I told him he could date whoever he wants as long as she makes him happy", with or without listing examples and categories - and listing categories makes it even weirder!
Wynfleue
This is 100% a microagression, not support. If I was the colleague/family member/friend that OP was being introduced to what I would hear is absolutely "this is my son's girlfriend who I let him date even though [I absolutely don't approve because] she's disabled."
Maybe I'm projecting though because I hear it in the same tone my (f) mom uses when she swears she's totally supportive of my relationship with my wife ... even though other family members inform us that she's super homophobic when we're not around.
Beneficial-Way-8742
I don't disagree but I'm not seeing microsaggression as much as I'm seeing mom using OP to demonstrate how "open minded" she is (it kinda feels like she's using OP as her "token" disabled person, I apologize right now for how . horrible that sounds, but it's an old school mindset).
But it doesn't say much about her if she has to announce that - that is sooooo weird. OP, if you're really worried about saying anything, maybe it would sit better if it came from your bf? (And actually he should.be doing that anyway)
acegirl1985
Okay I’m sorry but this woman sounds downright obnoxious! Also SUPER judgmental. She always feels the need to point out how accepting she is. If she genuinely didn’t care and wasn’t prejudice she wouldn’t feel the need to announce it to every person she talks to.
Being accepting of your child regardless of who they love isn’t bragging rights worthy- it should just be a given. NTA- your health or disability is not some trinket for her to flash to virtue signal. Her behavior is tacky, awkward and likely makes most she says this to uncomfortable.
HowlPen
NTA I think I’d go into it as a conversation. I would ask her if her parents put parameters on who she could date based on race, gender, etc. That may be why she does this. (And for some families, this is still an issue.) You may hear some interesting stories from her that give you some insights into why she does this.
Then let her know that among younger people, things have changed. And changed for the better! They will assume that her son is free to date who ever he likes. She’s better off not saying anything. When she does, she’s just going to make people uncomfortable.
Careful-Solid-8242 (OP)
Thank you for the suggestion and I thing this is exactly how I will bring this conversation up with her.
Impossible_Disk_43
She's virtue signalling. I'm not saying she isn't a lovely woman in all other aspects of life, but she is using your disability to prove what a good person she is. If she just accepted you as you are and kind of mentioned it in conversation when it happened to come up "yeah, my son's girlfriend is partially sighted, but she's wonderful and makes him happy."
It is better than "I don't care what my son dates, he's dating a blind girl and I don't care because I'm a good mother and this is what we do". You've got every right to feel uncomfortable. Disabled people have it the worst when it comes to this stereotype of them needing to deserve love to have it. Why should your disability be a deal breaker for his mom? Why is it important? NTA.