'My boyfriend’s sister now wants me to dye my hair to be a guest at her wedding.' UPDATED
"My boyfriend’s sister now wants me to dye my hair to be a guest at her wedding."
So to start this off, my boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now, and I’d say me and his family have been on decent terms. They are traditional, and I am alternative, but they accept their son’s decision, and are generally very polite with me.
Issues began to arise, however, after his sister got engaged last fall. I had met her and interacted with her a few times at that point, and she had been generally nice to me. She told me that I was invited to the wedding, which I thought was very sweet, but little did I know what would entail.
Her fiancé approached my boyfriend out of the blue, and asked him to be a groomsmen, to which he didn’t give much of an answer. My boyfriend expressed to me later that he wanted to attend as a guest, and really did not want to participate in the wedding itself.
He has pretty bad anxiety, so that’s understandable, and he ended up declining the offer. His sister was immediately not taking no for an answer, and went as far as to send him the tux that he was “going to need” despite him declining the offer.
What was even more shocking was that the tux was going to be hundreds of dollars, and she wanted him to purchase it, not rent it. He once again stood his ground, and she went to their parents and had them attempt to confront him. They immediately brought me up and began blaming me for his decision, despite me obviously having no say, and he defended me while once again giving a firm no.
Things were quiet on that subject for awhile until a few weeks later when she informed him that she would not be able to provide a dinner plate for me.
They are still planning the wedding, and at that point it was over 8 months away, so there is no reason why I could not be accommodated for considering that I was invited. She claimed that I was still invited, but that she just couldn’t accommodate an extra person.
It was pretty obvious that I now wasn’t welcome, so I was debating even putting the date on my calendar to go, but now there is a new installment to this saga. She sent my boyfriend a message out of the blue, telling him that I will need to dye my hair, and that there is now a dress code for guests. Everyone in attendance is expected to wear certain colors (burnt orange or green) and I am supposed to dye my hair black.
If you have ever dyed your hair, you know how hard black is to remove, so that request is insanely unreasonable. My hair is usually a dark red, and is rarely vibrant, but that’s beyond the point. I am not ruining my hair to accommodate to her guest rules, and the best that I could do is a wig, but I am honestly done at this point.
My boyfriend respects my decision either way and has got my back no matter what, but I am still just in awe, because I have never experienced this. I feel like it’s 100% targeted, and I don’t know how this will affect my relationship with his family going forward. I just needed to talk about this, and I’m wondering if anyone else has had this happen.
updates will be in the comments for now until I can better format them to be shorter and fit well into this post !
Here's what people had to say to OP:
What on earth does it mean that you are still invited but they can’t give you dinner? You would sit at a table at the reception and everybody else would be served food and they wouldn’t serve you food? That’s insane.
Obviously don’t dye your hair for this stupid woman. And don’t buy a burnt orange dress FFS. Do not attend this under any circumstances, this woman is a piece of work.
Don’t worry about how this affects your relationship with his family. If anyone asks why you’re not going to the wedding, you can tell them that the bride told you she didn’t have enough money to provide you with dinner so you won’t be attending
Right? That was the most confusing part to me! I may have a trip that conflicts with her wedding anyway, so I can just casually miss it. I luckily have a very supportive partner who will defend me no matter what and doesn’t put up with his family’s bs so no matter what it should be fine.
Thank goodness your partner is like this. I wonder if part of your partner’s anxiety is a result of constantly being pushed, prodded, manipulated and controlled by his family members to their whims and fancies.
It would be exhausting, especially trying to constantly set boundaries that are being disrespected and dismissed. It would cause a person to second-guessing yourself all the time. His family sounds terrible.
Oh 100% it is. When I met him he was basically a servant for his family because no one had ever told him what a normal relationship a family should be. He’s told me that I saved him, because I’m the only person who he feels like he can talk to about his trauma, and I help him be a more strong person.
He originally had trouble standing up to them, and now he sets very clear boundaries and lives a more carefree life. I think the turning point was our second date when his mom actually called and demand that he come home and pick her up to go somewhere.
He told her to find another ride, and by the way she reacted, it was obvious that it wasn’t a common occurrence for her to hear a solid no. I won’t get into every issue she’s caused, but she’s a mess, and her husband does nothing but enable her insanity.
Sis is insane, and she hates you. Don't go to the wedding.
There is no sane reason a guest wouldn't be served dinner like any other guest.
And it's bad enough when brides presume to ask their attendents to dye their hair, but guests? She can go f herself.
FR! I have heard of brides asking bridesmaids to dye their hair, which is already a big commitment, but guests? the dress code also threw me off so heavily bc why would she want everyone in attendance matching a certain aesthetic and not just bridesmaids/groomsmen? I hope people don’t show up because of it honestly.
Then OP added these updates in the comments:
update: I have sent her a personal message detailing my boundaries and stating my requirements. This is what I said to her.
Hi! I just wanted to shoot you a message and let you know that I heard from (bf’s name) about your request for me to dye my hair for your wedding, and I find that to be too big of a commitment for just being a guest at a wedding. If I don’t fit the intended aesthetic for your special day, then feel free to uninvite me.
I was set to attend as his date, but I refuse to make an alteration to my hair that could leave it damaged and unable to be dyed back to my desired color.
I would be happy to wear a green or burnt orange dress, and I can be formal, but asking guests to dye their hair is an unreasonable and frankly disrespectful request. As I said before, you may uninvite me if you please, because I am not honoring that request.
UPDATE ABOUT THE MESSAGE I SENT:
Of course, instead of responding, she brought her entire family into it. My boyfriend is absolutely livid that she spread my message around and is making a big deal about it, and isn’t speaking to her right now.
His parents tried to get aggressive with him about it, and he told them that if they want to come to our wedding in the future, that they have to shave their eyebrows off and dye their hair green so they can see how it feels to be asked to alter their appearance like that.
His sister is still being petty about it, so who knows what will happen going forward, but nonetheless I have been firm with my boundaries. She apparently sorted out the dinner plate situation, but just didn’t tell us for months, so I do in fact have food if I go, but I doubt that I will.
Apparently she automatically assumed that it was rude and hateful, which says a lot more about her than it does about me.
As much as I love being petty I don’t want to be that person. She’s already ruining her own wedding with her unrealistic expectations, fake rich lifestyle she can’t afford, and that horrid color scheme ! I am honestly considering just going to support my bf and serving c*^t, especially after all the drama she’s caused bc idek how she’s going to face me after all this.
I’ve been in the business of dismantling my best friend’s exes’ egos for years, as well as typing out cordial and sickeningly sweet messages to get myself or others out of things! I was raised by a southern lady who takes no bs so I was taught to start off (reasonably) polite and make them cry if needed LOL
16 months later OP added this "insanely late" update:
So over a year ago now, I made a post that got some attention, and then completely forgot about it. There was a popular demand for an update/resolution, so if anyone remembers this saga, here it is !
If you didn’t read the previous post or don’t want to, my bf’s sister expected me to dye my hair black and wear specific colors (burnt orange or green) to her wedding. She also attempted to exclude me by saying that she could not provide me a seat or food, after giving me an invitation and saying that she would love to have me.
I attended the wedding, against what everyone advised, and I am SO glad that I was there to witness the absolute mess that it was.
To properly start this off, I first need to talk about the rehearsal, which was also a mess. Everyone was disjointed and disorganized, the planner was yelling at people, someone stepped on a snake, and everyone kept forgetting what was rehearsed. It was a very hot day, and the rehearsal was outdoors, so everyone was sweaty and fed up.
After the rehearsal, there was a dinner, where I apparently “embarrassed” everyone by pulling out a bottle of advil to give to my boyfriend because he had a migraine, and walked with him to the bathroom when he felt sick.
Additionally, on the morning of the wedding, his parents sent a message (on his sister’s behalf) saying that my piercings weren’t going to be allowed either, which led to my boyfriend calling and confronting them.
Despite all of this, I had now seen how bad the rehearsal was, so I had to be there for this wedding. I of course did not remove my piercings or dye my hair, I went as me, in a tight emerald green dress.
When I arrived, I noticed multiple people with piercings and tattoos, as well as dyed hair. I immediately noticed that no one was wearing green or burnt orange, and the main wedding colors were beige and pink. As many people speculated, her improvised “rules” were definitely targeted toward me, possibly to try and make me look bad or embarrass me.
Now onto the wedding. The speakers they used to play music sounded like they were waterlogged, and whoever was playing the music somehow paused it twice.
Rather than having a flower girl, the groom had his grown male friend tossing flowers, and a guest nearly walked out because he threw flowers directly in his face. The groom walked out to X Gon’ Give it To Ya (very classy) while all of his buddies yelled and whistled.
The bride’s grandma decided she didn’t want to walk out as rehearsed, and loudly argued with the event coordinator who was trying to lead her back over to where she was supposed to walk. Everyone was looking at each other, cracking jokes and whispering, and it might’ve been one of the least serious weddings I’ve ever attended.
When it was time for photos, she asked me to get in the photo, only to purposely place me in the back. My boyfriend noticed this, and picked me up bridal style so I’d be in full view in every photo.
They ended up giving everyone a plate to go up and get some food, and everyone was allowed one plate per person. I ended up waiting until the person serving the food switched out, and got two plates of food. The bride vanished for hours to take pictures, and everyone was left bored and waiting for cake.
I had a great time partying with my boyfriend at the reception, and it turns out the bride was having fun partying too. We were watching back footage of the reception on the wedding photographer’s facebook page to try and find us dancing, and saw her in the background dancing on another guy. When I say on, I mean on, because her body was fully pressed against this random man.
I went, I saw, I looked good, and I got to laugh at a failure of a wedding. That wraps up the saga !
In the comments OP added this:
the rehearsal was where the snake got stepped on ! the bride wanted everyone to come to the venue to “rehearse” how they would walk and where they would stand or sit at the wedding. her wedding was outdoors, so everyone was walking through the grass, and that’s when someone screamed and we saw the snake. someone’s husband picked it up and carried it off 😭
Their marriage seems to be going fine, but as I mentioned in another comment, I’m still not convinced that they are actually attracted to each other. my bf went to pick up a chair from his sister’s recently not knowing she was out, and when he knocked, he heard two frantic hushed male voices. we’ve been convinced for awhile that her husband swings the other way, and that definitely made it more likely in my mind.
my bf and I’s relationship is great! at this point he has distanced himself from his family a lot due to this incident and many other events that have followed, such as them trying to force him into buying a property that he didn’t want, and locking him out of the house over it. they’ve always treated him like s^&$, so it’s not surprising, but we currently live together and are doing great!
I don’t see his sister much, and didn’t really like her in the first place, so pretty much the same as it’s always been.
she’s the kind of person to try and live above her means and make her life look lavish while going into debt, and that’s a kind of person I can’t tolerate being around. there were also some extremely offensive messages that she sent to my boyfriend about me that caused him to cut off contact with her for months, so that was a nail in the coffin.