'AITA if I break up with my BF for being dirty, even though I love him?' UPDATED

"How do I break up with my bf for being dirty without offending him?"

TLDR: How do I break up with my bf for being too dirty? There are roaches everywhere and he won't clean. I can't take it. I love him, he's sweet and loving and I don't want to breakup with him, but I know I have to for my own well-being? How can I word it gently? AITA if I say something?

I (24f) have been dating my bf (24m) for 6 years now. We both live at home to save money. He lives in an apartment with his parents and dogs. Now let me start by saying I love him and his family, is so sweet to me and I never would want to disrespect them or hurt their feelings but I can't take being there anymore. When we first started dating it was never really dirty.

But in the past 3 years, it's gotten progressively worse and they now have a very bad roach infestation. They also have flies or other bugs sometimes but the roaches are the big problem. I've been asking my bf to do something about it before I come over and he'll tell me he "cleaned" but you'd never be able to tell. The floors are sticky from the pets.

He leaves soda cans and bottles around his room, and crumbs on the bed. The pets also use the bathroom as their own, so it's messy. I asked him to get the sticky fly tape that you can hang that's super cheap to catch flies, he still hasn't even done that.

At one point when I went over, I would be itchy and had little red bumps on me the next day. I realized it was bug bites. Since then I've limited the times I've come over to once every few months. He tells me he doesn't clean because he's tired (he does have a physically exhausting job) but he also gets paid well so he could've paid someone to fix the bug problem but he won't.

He says he won't pay for an exterminator or bug-killing things because it's his parent's place and not his responsibility, and he's going to move out eventually so he'd rather save his money for his own place. But he has no timeline on when he'd move out.

The last straw was this weekend, I visited for the first time in months. He told me he cleaned it before I came- it wasn't clean. So I just sat at the edge of the bed while we watched a movie. Then I saw a HUGE roach on the wall above the bed. I asked him to kill it and he did... but... he didn't even clean it up and throw it out. This was after I already was swatting flies. At that point, I was ready to go.

I suggested we do something outside and I could tell he was annoyed. He said, "So you want to leave because of bugs?" I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I tried to just say I want to go out and have fun, but he asked again so I told him, " Yeah, bugs, and I want to go out and have fun."

So then he takes his sweet time getting ready, I tried to be patient but I had my coat on and I was just standing there waiting while he was watching the movie slowly putting on clothes. I said "Come on let's go" and he snapped and asked, " Are you in a rush? You're in a rush to leave?" I just said, "No, but I'm just standing here in my coat, come on."

He continued to take forever to put on a sweatshirt and sneakers. He had an attitude after that. The next morning at my house I woke up and swatted my arm because I felt something crawling on me. I nearly had a breakdown because I HATE bugs PLUS I live with my family, and I can't bring that stuff here.

I spent the whole day cleaning my room, my clothes, everything. I didn't go on my phone the entire day. I didn't reply to his texts until I was ready to go to bed, he asked me if I was okay, and I said yeah because I didn't want to argue over the phone when we both needed sleep for work in the AM. I also needed time to process everything.

I've been patient and I've given suggestions on ways to clean his room and kill the bugs for like 3 years now. I love him but honestly, I just feel like he's so dirty IDK what to do. We already don't see each other often and book a hotel once a month to get alone time.

I don't want to be intimate anymore if he's content being this dirty. How do I break up with my long-term bf for being dirty? What do I say without being harsh? AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

TyphoonCane said:

Being gentle with him won't help him. Rip the bandaid, and just be honest. Whether he goes on to realize his problem or forever blame you, you did the right thing for him to the very end if you just stay honest. NTA.

MuddyShoes114 said:

Oh honey. You deserve a normal, clean, hygienic life where you can relax without insects crawling over you. If you were to live with this man, your life would be reduced to servitude. I know, because I spent six years of my life sweeping, scrubbing, wiping up slime, picking up trash, washing skid-marked laundry, and fighting clutter created day after day after day by my former partner.

A man who grew up in filth like that doesn't even know what a normal home is like. His behavior when you've asked him to clean shows that he will never change. My partner was fun at first, but I grew to hate him as the time I could have spent on hobbies, social events, friendships, or other worthwhile pursuits was eaten up by the never-ending fight to maintain decent living conditions.

I could see, as the years passed, that my life was slipping away into despair at the constant battle against filth. Think about how you'd truly like to live, and let go. NTA.

scottishgal- said:

NTA. And omg your description of his place made me so queasy 🤢 how on earth did you last 3 years?!! I would of been out of there in 3 seconds! Yeah I definitely think you should break up with him, I mean it’s absolutely disgusting!

But you do have to be honest with him, it will probably hurt his feelings but he has a serious problem that he needs to deal with. Let us know how it goes and for the love of god please do not ever go back to that hellhole of an apartment.

She later shared this update:

TL/DR- We broke up, I blocked his number. No bed bugs lol. I'm learning how to be single again and Idk how to do that lol. I don't see myself dating for a while, but I'd appreciate any tips on being single, safe, and eventually dating again.

So I (24f) broke up with him(24m) before the post got as many replies as it did. I called him and let him know how I felt about the situation and that it's best if we just are single and focus on ourselves right now. He said he understood and it was a quick call. He texted me right after saying he wished I told him how I felt while I was there instead of waiting.

I told him that I DID tell him I was ready to go because of the bugs and he caught an attitude. He apologized for responding the way he did and said he was just embarrassed especially since we already hadn't seen each other in over a month he wanted to spend more time with me etc.

I let him know that I do feel where he's coming from but if after 3 years he can't even bother to get a fly strip I can't just take his word that he'll do better anymore. I blocked him and this is the longest we've gone without speaking(1 week today).

I don't have bed bugs + haven't seen another bug since that morning. I still deep cleaned my room to be sure. I only have him on FB for now but we haven't spoken to each other. I told my closest friends that we broke up ( I didn't tell them how bad his apartment is, just that I've asked him to do something for a few years now and he hasn't followed through).

I've been throwing away small sentimental items he's given me like 1-2 a day so far and it's helping. My friend's birthday was over the weekend so we went out for dinner and drinks and it was great to go out with the girls, the timing was impeccable, I had a great time.

Right now I'm learning how to be single, especially single as an adult in her 20s. I'm the girl that's always been in relationships in high school/college so it's a huge adjustment. I know how to be alone (doing things on my own, being content when I'm by myself, going out by myself, etc) but being single is completely different.

Thinking of dating again seems pretty scary right now because the last standards I had going into a relationship were for "teenage me". People in their 20s are often open to visiting someone's house + getting intimate soon etc, I'm not interested in that route + feel that it comes with a big safety risk. I don't see myself dating for a while, but I'd appreciate any tips on being single, safe, and eventually dating again.