'AITA for breaking up with my fiancée for not telling her best friend she was engaged?'
"AITA for breaking up with my fiancée for not telling her best friend she was engaged?"
My now ex-fiancée (30F) and me (M27) got engaged 3 weeks ago. We've been dating for 5 years and I finally got the money to give her the wedding she wanted. Well, 3 days ago we were discussing our guest list, and I asked if she wanted to invite her best friend, let's call him James (M30).
James lives in another state, but since they were friends for 10 years, I thought I could even pay for his travel expenses since it would be great to have her best friend at the wedding.
She denied, saying that it would take a lot of work to bring him, and she wanted it to be a "family" event. Countless times she mentioned that James was like family to her, so I insisted, she got annoyed and said "I didn't even tell him we were engaged."
That took me by surprise, I tried to ask why, but she started stonewalling me, and I left her alone. After a couple of hours, I tried to ask her again why she haven't told him we were engaged, and she still refused to tell me, and I admit, my insecurity got the better of me.
In the past, James had confessed he had feelings for her, which she turned down and basically friendzoned him. But by the way she told me, it always sounded like she had him as a backup, something not only me, but her exe's realized.
She "married" him online, they always made they WoW characters look like a couple (like wearing the same transmog and ____ like that), when she had a fight with her exes, he was "always there for her" and etc.
I told her that made me unconfortable and if she was not planning to tell him, she might as well consider herself single, cause I would not marry someone who coudn't be honest.
Yes, I was pretty immature, but she did something even more immature, she texted him while showing me her phone something like "hey, just so you know, I was engaged, but not anymore" and send it to him. I told her to pack her things and leave my house.
Ever since she left, she has been calling me, but I refused to answer. My mom called me (because she apparently called my mom), and said that I was an asshole for ending things for such a "ridiculous" thing. So, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
So your ex fiancee didn't want to tell her boyfriend about you. Unless you poly sounds like a great reason to end an engagement.
If you want to confirm that she was cheating, offer to meet up with her for lunch. When you get there, tell her if she wants any chance with you she needs to unlock her phone, and you read all of her messages between him and her on all media. I'm sure you will find more than enough to confirm that leaving is the best choice.
You’ve done well to get rid of one woman who claims to love you but fundamentally doesn’t respect you and believes you should be eat ____ in your relationships.
Sadly, you’ve still got another woman who fits that description - your mother - and it’ll be trickier to get rid of her.
OP responded to to these two comments:
Edit: hey guys, I made some dinner and I think I'm gonna go with u/DoneOver69Position (cool username btw). I'm gonna ask her to meet up and ask to see their messages. And to u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox, I'm already low contact with my mom, but I'm going to make my decisions after I clear everything up. So I'm kinda promising an update.
Here are some of the other top comments:
NTA, there is a reason she won't tell her "best friend" that she plans on getting married. I mean most women think getting married is one of the biggest things in life, and tells everyone she knows. Unless it will put a damper of something. You know boyfriends hate hearing their girlfriend is getting married.
The night I proposed, I am pretty sure that my wife was on the phone before I even heard a "yes" with as many people as she could think to call!
Op do you provide most material things, including the house? (Your post said “my house”). Are you paying down her school or other debt? Don’t let anyone use you financially if their heart isn’t in it too.
Edit: know a man whose wife left him a matter of weeks after she graduated. Guess whose cash put her through college?
Visible-Broccoli-381 OP responded:
Yes. I pay for the house, bills and her car. She moved in 2 years ago. Other than that, she pays for her own things.
The next day OP came back with this update:
Hey guys, I just got home after talking to my (still) ex-fiancee, and since a lot of people asked for an update, here it is. But, I want to clarify a few things.
As commented on my original post, I pay for the house since I bought it before dating her and I asked her to move in, since it was close to her job. I work from home since I'm in tech, but she had to go to work, that's why I paid for her car, to help her commute (and honestly her salary is ____).
I was her partner, so I didn't see any problem with that. I thought she was the one, despite everything, she is smart, funny, we had chemistry, but I felt betrayed.
To the update.: We met at a coffee shop on the premise we would discuss how to save our relationship, at least, that's what she thought. As soon as we sat down, I asked to see their messages. She got defensive immediately and told me she had deleted everything. I asked to see her phone anyway.
She started to cry, ugly cry, asking me to stop. At that point I had already decided I was not going to be part of the relationship anymore, but damn, I was curious. It took a good 20 minutes for her to hand me her phone, a lot of crying, even a waitress asking her if she was ok.
So I read the messages. There wasn't any cheating like nudes being exchanged, them professing their love for each other, but what I read still stung. There was a lot of ____ talking about me. A LOT. Texts and texts of them saying how terrible of a person I was, criticizing my hobbies (i like video games and pro wrestling) saying I wasn't a real man because of them and stuff like that.
But there where two topics that caught my eye. One where she had told him I was having trouble getting hard and that was frustrating for her. And one where she was complaining about how she didn't want to be "stuck" in our relationship.
Yes, I was having problems in bed... because I was sad because my father had passed away (6 months ago) and the "stuck" thing, I remember telling her that when we got married, IF SHE WANTED she could leave her job, and I would provide for both of us. I don't know if she took this the wrong way, but I guess it was related to that. I honestly don't know.
By the time I gave her the phone back, she was already giving excuses on why she was saying those things to him, how he was like a "therapist" for her, and then she asked me "don't you complaing about me to your friends?" and I simply replied "no, I don't". She started crying again.
I took a pretty deep breath and just said "just give me the ring back" (I didn't had the ring with me, like some suggested). She hesitated a bit, but gave it to me anyway. I stood up and asked her to delete my number and to not bother me anymore.
I called her mom and asked her to pick up her daughter's stuff at my place. Her mom is a good person, I'm just realizing I'm going to miss her as I write this. She understood why I decided to end it, but she didn't asked much, and to be honest, I'm glad she didn't.
As for my mom, I didn't called her, I just blocked her for things unrelated to this post, I just realized she never had my back in anything, I was always trying to save an already failed mom-son relationship.
Before I leave, I just want to clarify. I was never against her having male friends, or any type of friends. People are going to cheat, friends or no friends. I remember my dad saying something to me when I was a teenager, he always said "opportunity makes the thief", but I do not agree with that.
Anyway, since I have the next two weeks off work, I going to figure what to do with the wedding money, drink some booze, play games and watch Monday Night Raw later. Peace.
Edit: a couple of people are asking about the car. Is a 2015 Nissan Versa which she crashed 2 times, both times she rear ended someone. Never liked the car, weak engine, the interior feels cheap and overall bad, so for all I care she can keep that piece of ____. I would have more luck throwing it off a cliff than selling it.
Edit 2: Little update. Her mom called me a few hours ago to check on me and to ask when she could come and pick up ex's stuff. We spoke about the car and she basically "forbid" me to let her daughter keep the car because: 1 - I paid for it. 2 - Ex wouldn't be able to maintain it. So I'm going to keep the car until I'm able to sell it (god help me).
Also, some people called the story fake, cause they said I wasn't a "real man" for playing games, and yet they played WoW. To be honest, that's on me, cause I wasn't very clear.
The "real man" thing was more about the pro wrestling hobby than the gaming hobby, but in some messages they clearly mocked me for playing some games (Life is Strange Series) in one I remember James saying something like "How could a grown ass man play such a girly game and cry?"
Yes, I cried playing Life is Strange. I also cried to RDR2 (the I'm afraid cutscene still makes me emotional). I'm a crybaby I guess.
Also I want to thank everyone who message me to talk about wrestling and games, it really helped me take my mind out of everything. I haven't replied to everyone, but I intend to. If anything happens, I'll let you guys know. Be good people.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
James saying you’re not a real man because you play video games, while simultaneously creating his WoW character to match a girl who smacked him into the friendzone/backup plan option, is galactic levels of cuck fuelled irony
OP you gave your time effort and money to someone who didn’t deserve it. It’s unfortunate but it can happen. Take some time to heal and become the best version of yourself. All the best
Get the car back. It’s yours.
Visible-Broccoli-381 OP responded:
Honestly, she can keep it, it was a piece of crap anyway.
Find yourself a nice girl who likes WWE and knows the difference between a piledriver and a suplex. Advice from a cranky old lady.
Visible-Broccoli-381 OP responded:
Everytime I wanted to watch a PLE, she would say things like "you really believe they are fighting. it looks so fake" or she would immediately cheer for a wrestler that I was clearly against. She sided with Rock when he took Cody's spot.