'AITA for breaking off my engagement with my now ex-fiancé?' UPDATED
"AITA for breaking off my engagement with my now ex-fiancé?"
I (25F) have been engaged to my fiancé “Mike” (26M) for 2 years. We’ve been planning our wedding almost since the beginning. For part of the engagement, he was away for work, and during that time his mother, “Rebecca,” started getting heavily involved in the planning.
My fiancé and his father are paying for the wedding. While he was gone, Rebecca came over and said we should discuss costs and what we “should and shouldn’t” do. She also told me to choose any décor I wanted and said she’d get it because she wanted me to have the “perfect” wedding.
I picked out things that fit my taste because it’s my wedding. Later, she came to my house asking to see what I had chosen. Every time I showed her something she thought looked expensive, she would remind me that FIL had a budget and we couldn’t go over it. I’m a people pleaser, so I kept agreeing to swap things out for cheaper options.
When my fiancé came back, she visited again to “plan,” but the conversation turned into our future and kids. I’m a student and have been very clear that I don’t want to think about having kids until after I transfer universities, which is about a year after the wedding. Both she and my fiancé already knew this.
She got upset. She tried to pressure me—showing me baby videos, talking about pregnancy, acting like I should already want kids. I told her it wasn’t her decision, it was mine and my fiancé’s.
She left angry. When I told my fiancé about it, he said he agreed with her. He said we’re “not young” and should start trying as soon as we’re married. I got really upset and told him if having kids immediately was so important, he should find someone else who would do that. I sent back everything he ever gave me, including the ring.
Now his mother is reaching out to my friends so they can tell me that she and my fiancé have “agreed to wait” until after I finish my certificate. So… AITA for walking away and giving the ring back?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. And y'all dodged a bullet. Your ex sided with his mother about things that have nothing to do with her and is apparently happy to be in a relationship with his mother. Like, it is not normal to include your parents (either side) with your family planning and you should run from people who think it is.
I watched my college roommate go through an ugly divorce due to the meddling mother in law. The divorce occurred when the last two kids were in college. I respect him for doing the right thing for the kids but it cost him decades of frustration due the evil, meddling MIL. OP- RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!
NTA and this guy is doing the dance of the seven red flags for you here. He can’t control what his mother thinks or says but his going along with her makes me wonder if he takes your university degree snd whatever career you are thinking of after that seriously.
I wouldn’t go so far as to suggest he might have baby trapped you but he may have thought you’d give up school if you got pregnant. Or maybe he’s so clueless as to think having a baby while going to school would be easy and you’d be able to handle it all, maybe even with you doing more of the work.
I wouldn’t trust someone who thought like this and I sure as hell wouldn’t have relations again in case baby trapping is part of his plan after all. And don’t listen to the BS they’re sending via your friends. That sounds like they are sending a pacifier. And “agreed to wait” sounds threatening to me.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Hi everyone! For all those who commented on my previous post, thank you so much for your kind words. I’ve been questioning whether I made the wrong decision, and your comments helped me see that I didn’t.
Before the update, I want to clarify a few things. I know some of you mentioned that I may have acted fast, but we had already talked about all of this before and they chose to ignore my choices.
Before we had even gotten engaged, I told him clearly what my plans were and that I wanted to wait for kids, and he agreed. My ex and I never genuinely planned for children anytime soon.
Even before we were official, we agreed that I would finish school first and that we shouldn’t rush something as major as having kids. I didn’t expect him to suddenly take it so seriously.
As for his mother, she had kids young and was pushing for us to do the same. She never really cared about him before, so I’m pretty sure her sudden involvement made him go along with whatever she wanted. And for those who asked, yes we’re both Christian, but that wasn’t the issue here.
Actual update: My ex sent me a long message basically repeating the same thing about choosing “family” over school. I kept my response simple and wished him the best. I no longer speak to him or his family, and honestly, that’s my peace.
My friends also blocked them and supported me when they reached out. There isn’t really anything else to update, so I won’t be posting more. Thank you again to everyone who took the time to comment. ❤️
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
It sounded like he is a bit narcissistic. It’s good that you choose what’s best for you. Hopefully you find someone who respects your life and not their vanity.
NTA. You made the right decision. When people show you who they are believe them. She was going to be the MIL from hell. The kind who thinks her wants and expectations supersede your wants and needs. The kind who depends to name the baby, be in the delivery room and telling you you can’t breast feed because she needs to bond with her bAbY!
From your wedding to your uterus. She wants total control. Your ex sucks. He’s the type to mess with birth control and bay trap you. If you are in a red state or country where abortions are illegal you would stuck with this AH and his mommy for life. Congratulations on sparing yourself years of misery.
It’s nice to see someone on here have common sense and stand up for themselves for once. Good for OP, I wish you all the best.
The mother in law on its own is no bigger than deal. My parents are a nightmare and didn’t even go to our wedding. But the fact that he chose to back up his mother over you while simultaneously changing his tune on what he told you is not cool.
Now I’m not sure if it’s breakup material but that’s your choice Something tells me that you were questioning this marriage despite this issue. This issue just reinforced your fears and was icing on cake.
Absolutely good for you for seeing the red flags in real time and not tolerating them for a single second - sounds like you're a woman who knows your worth and what you want, and especially nowadays with men trying to force us back into the dark ages, that's exactly the right attitude to have!
I'm so glad you've taken steps to make sure you never go back either. It'd be so easy to give into guilt tripping or insincere apologies, and you didn't. I always say, if a relationship doesn't work out, then it will have taught you lessons about the type of person you want, and don't want, to spend your life with, and gives you a far better perspective on how to dodge the dodgies before you waste your time on them!