'AITA for breaking a promise to my mom after she tried to turn me against my fiancé?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting to break my (31F) promise to facilitate my mom (63F) when she retires in 2.5 years?"

I met "Greg" 3years ago and have been engaged for 7months, our families live in different countries. He absolutely adores my mother, but especially my sister “Emily” (30F) and BIL (32M). My mom takes care of my aunt (68F,) BIL (77M) and pays the bills. My uncle has always been a deceptively not-so-nice person with a series of medical issues.

Aunt is openly regretful of their 40y marriage for years. Meanwhile she likes to sit on my mom's shoulder in some ways that aren’t always good. Additionally, mom has some weird beliefs on couple dynamics etc.

My mom came to visit a year into our relationship. We saw a guesthouse for sale and she jokingly said she can't wait to have a place here to manage when she retires but her jokes are 95% more Suggestive Input tbh. She mentioned it so often that Greg and I talked. I then spoke with my two sisters Emily and Beth (44F).

We mutually agreed that I’m more capable of permanently taking in our mom: a retirement home is too expensive and there's no way she would ever agree. My cousins aren’t the most responsible but they’re aware that they have to take in my aunt and uncle when the time comes.

We bought land in a prime location and started planning infrastructure, housing for ourselves, my mom and also his parents who are still married. We told her she can retire here. Same with my in-laws. We’ll generate additional income by renting out the properties during holidays.

Now for the issue: They recently visited and picked up on how we communicate. We have different first languages & sometimes struggle to understand each other. Yes tempers flare on either side at times but we resolve it and always show we love and appreciate the other other.

We don't fight over finances, we're not physically aggressive + we do little things to show affection. We're under more stress than usual + handle it differently. Greg needs at least an hour to decompress after work while I do my thing before starting dinner. It works for us.

Suddenly this wonderful man who wants to help take care of my mom - along with my aunt who SOMEHOW wormed her way into the deal, is "just like my uncle" - controlling and a lot of other things. My mom says to use Greg for his money & ensure the prenuptial agreement is totally in my favor.

They spent days trying to convince me to rush the marriage and I shouldn't have children with "this man”. Also, they literally cannot wait for my uncle to pass. They've said it to anyone who's willing to listen without remorse. I understand their living situation is very difficult, but to openly wish that on a family member? And telling me that I must learn to manipulate my fiance?

Am I the AH for wanting to go back on my word and not provide for my mom? Now my aunt is also included. Greg knows about everything except the "I have to use him for his money" and the “no kids” bit. He says we should still honor our promise.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

CodenameBuckwin said:

NTA. Tell Greg the whole truth. And don't let those people move in with you.

roselle3316 said:

You need to drop them and RUN. Oof. You do not want to take care of your mom in this situation. She will wreck your marriage. 100%.

Icy-Cold8692 said:

NTA. Do you really want to put up with this in your own home for the next 30 years? Your husband is a good man and doesn’t deserve this kind of disrespect in your home and life that you both are building together

NefariousnessGlum424 said:

INFO- are nodding politely to avoid an argument when your mom says these things about using him for his money and not having kids? Or are you standing up for your relationship and making it clear that her suggestions are not your plan and you intend to have children with him if you so wish to?

Doesn’t seem fair to drop your mom from the living situation if you haven’t firmly told her to stop. But if you have then party on with your plan.

And OP responded:

I literally just looked at her when she said it. My aunt was right next to her and agreed with everything. Then I walked away. If not, I would have done something I'd regret for a very long time. They tried bringing it up again but I deadpan said I don't have time for this. But I didn't explicitly tell them off.

In a way, it looks like I accepted/agreed to her "advice". This was during the weekend. They went back to their country on Monday. I spoke with Greg Tuesday evening about it all minus those two things. Told him I don't feel like we should give them the reward of practically free retirement when this is how they are.

It was a difficult conversation. They both hugged him tight and thanked him for spoiling them during their stay before they left! He said we should kill them with kindness. Keep the agreement. Show them how wring they are.

Three days after her original post, OP shared this UPDATE:

Been 3 days and you all were right, I should have told my fiance everything from the start. 2days ago I prepared a message to send to mom that I wanted him to read after telling him all.

He comes from a very close knit family & thought it had increased in size, only to find his FMIL and her sister see him as a bank. It was a very tough convo because he thought we'd already closed the topic. I apologized and said I've been keeping two things from him.

Then I told him. Initially he didn’t want to hear the message but I said to know that she overstepped major boundaries, and we as a team have to draw the line. Due to character limit I had to shorten it:

“Been thinking over the past few days. Mom, I love you, & because I love you it hurts being encouraged to treat a hardworking man as an ATM. I wasn’t raised to manipulate & abuse someone for my own purposes. Your house is still going to be built, but priorities have changed.

We're going to start our house first. It's heavy on my heart that the two of you tried to get these ideas in my head. No relationship is perfect & this wonderful man's good qualities outweigh the bad. I decided not to tolerate further negative words. I love him.”

Greg said to let it go. Don’t send. “My concern is a war. I don’t care. I don’t want to break up this family. At the end of the day it’s you and me.” I hugged him tightly and told him the ones separating my family is her & aunt and I have to do this for us. We did a video call with my sister and BIL. They agree 100% since my mom also pulled this stunt on their relationship. Mom’s response less than 20mins later?

“My child. Don’t misunderstand us. Like any mother I want only the best for my children. Last weekend was a bit rough for me. Just remember. We are not used to such behavior. The mockery about using him just for his money was just that. But it proves to me that I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

I already said that I'm glad you got your match and the fact that he's talking about my “beautiful wife”. I feel a little hurt now too. Everything was done with good intentions. If you do not see a chance for us in (location of retirement) we must sort this thing out early.”

I’m still boiling about it. They were JOKING when they told me to not have his children? Not that it’s any business of theirs.. Get the prenup all in my favor? They weren’t smiling/giggling at the time. Neither contacted me to say it was a prank / joke. I told her to read my message again slowly. I voiced a major problem and nowhere did I say they were no longer welcome; only that priorities have changed.

My aunt then sent a message apologizing, thanked us for being nothing but accommodating while they were here & that she’ll feel like she’s abusing our generosity by moving with my mom. Therefore, she won’t be coming. I haven’t replied to either and it’s been over 24 hours of silence from all sides. I’ve said what I needed to and am going low contact for a bit.

In future, Greg and I will either be staying with Emily and BIL, or in a hotel if my mom feels like coming over. Greg doesn't want to see or speak to her for a long while, and I support him. He said I should make an effort to keep in contact with her, but I'm having none of it as I can't just carry on as if nothing happened.

Thanks to all for the help and advice. They don't know that Greg now is aware of everything, and we're going to keep it that way. I want him to have this ammunition for future use :D