'AITA for breaking up with my ex after a trip where his mother crossed all boundaries?'
"AITA for breaking up with my ex after a trip where his mother crossed all boundaries?"
Hi, I need an outside perspective because I’m struggling with guilt and wondering if I overreacted. I (29F) recently broke up with my ex (29M) after a very emotionally exhausting trip. We were together for three years, both professionals, no kids, not married, and overall we got along well as a couple.
The recurring issue in our relationship was his mother, and this trip was the breaking point. His mother is a 57-year-old separated woman with no pension or income. My ex is her only child and sole financial support, and they live together because he fully provides for her.
She is very emotionally and financially dependent on him. She is obsessed with youth, beauty, Botox, photos, adrenaline, partying, and extreme sports. She openly dislikes my personality because I’m introverted, calm, and home-oriented.
She has called me boring, nerdy, lame, and has made comments about my body, saying I’m “fat” and blaming me for her son gaining weight. She also constantly insults her own son. He rarely set boundaries with her.
Originally, we had planned two trips: one with my parents for Christmas and one with his mother for New Year’s. The trip with my parents was canceled, and my ex decided to pay for the remaining trip as my birthday gift (my birthday is January 5). I want to emphasize that this trip was meant to be a birthday gift for me.
I had already told him I didn’t want to travel with his mother because our dynamic is exhausting and we don’t get along. I asked for a couple-only trip, but he said he was afraid of offending her since Christmas and New Year’s are very important to her. In the end, his mother was invited along with a friend.
The agreement was clear: we would be mostly in couple mode, and she could spend time with her friend. He explained this to her. From the start of the trip, she showed visible discomfort whenever we were happy together. She would sulk, get angry, or compete for his attention. Whenever he bought me something, she wanted the same. She got upset just seeing us enjoy ourselves.
For example, one day at the beach she demanded we go far away to give her money for braids, even though she had money with her. When my ex didn’t run after her, she exploded and treated us badly just for being together.
She claimed she had a “right” to be integrated into our plans, despite clearly disliking me and responding with hostility or insults whenever we interacted. What she really wanted was his full attention and for me to be sidelined.
She emotionally manipulated him by saying things like, “People are surprised you’re not always with your mother,” to guilt him. She also criticized him for spending money on me instead of on her.
At one point, we tried to integrate her by playing in the water. My ex accidentally pushed her, she fell in shallow water, and immediately began aggressively insulting him. After that, her friend told me his mother was saying I was manipulative, toxic, had an awful personality, and was the reason her son gained weight.
This created a very hostile environment for me. On New Year’s Eve, we invited her to celebrate with us. She refused, locked herself in her room, and later complained to her friend that she felt excluded.
The next day, I wished her a happy New Year, and she replied sarcastically, “I wasn’t as happy as you were.” Someone later asked us if we’d like to get married. I said yes. My ex replied, “I wouldn’t have a problem with it,” in a very neutral way.
His mother overheard this and laughed when she noticed my discomfort. I felt alone, isolated, and unprotected during what was supposed to be my birthday gift. I cried and eventually isolated myself to cope.
I admit I made a mistake by telling her friend that I felt his mother was possessive and used illness to control him; this information spread and made things worse. I broke up with him during the trip, told him it was a terrible birthday gift, and even paid him back for it.
After the breakup, he said he would finally set boundaries with his mother, but this was an issue I had raised many times before. Nothing ever changed, and he often justified her behavior by saying “she’s just like that.” It felt too late. So, AITA for ending the relationship?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Never go back. He will never set boundaries with her. It will always be a three-way relationship.
Nope NTA at all. All this time you have been together he has consistently ignored how you feel about what his mother is doing to you, has proven time and time and again that she will always come first. She lives with him and it's him who provides for her financially and emotionally.
That wouldn't change and she will never let him leave her because she knows that all of that would stop and she would have to provide for herself. He will never put you first. It's why she behaves like this, to stop him from having his own life.
Don't worry, you'll find someone, if you decide to want a new relationship, who isn't such a momma's boy. Well done for finally getting away from the both of them. You are strong and can do this. ❤️
NTA. Wow she's awful. What mother would do that, not just be a financial burden but manipulate their son and relationships so he ends up single. Its like she has a thing for him. Gross. Well done you.
Tell him to get therapy to understand what exactly his mother is doing to him. Offer to join for a few sessions to tell the therapist what exactly she is doing to him. But don't take him back, unless he actually follows through and you see actual results - like if he is no contact with her in a year or so.
NTA. It’s been an ongoing issue. It’s some serious emotional incest plus some verbally abusive tendencies from his mom. If he can’t acknowledge the issue and get help after 3 years, then it’s not going to change. Him doing this after the break up doesn’t show change. It shows desperation to keep you.
Change would be apologizing and starting therapy to dig through his issue with his mom and having actions already set as to what boundaries he needs and starting to attempt to change his behaviors right away. Instead you got more “I’m sorry” and “I’ll change”. Words mean nothing at this point.