'AITA for telling my boyfriend that I'm breaking up with him because he doesn't want to cook for himself?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my boyfriend that I'm breaking up with him because he doesn't want to cook for himself?"
So I (27f) was talking with my boyfriend (31m) and he said that every night he doesn't want to have to cook after his "long day at work" so he therefore will be eating at his mom's every night (he also works from home) that he's not hanging out with me. (He's moving into his house soon)
While I can understand and appreciate that it sucks to cook for yourself, it feels extremely unattractive to have someone say that they don't want to cook for themselves, especially after spending a decade cooking for myself, every meal, everyday. I work 12-hour shifts and I just think how would this be if we were together long term?
Would I do all the cooking? I guess probably that's a deal-breaker. I like cooking for my partner but it sort of seems like it's not something that he's ever going to do maybe...
The question is, would I be the AH if I break up with him over text and tell him why honestly when I do? Or is it less AHish to say it's me not him? For context I'm his first girlfriend.
Edit: Am I the AH if I tell him it physically repulsed me when he said it?
Edit 2: For anyone asking how long we've been together, we've been dating about a month, talking/seeing each other for 4 months. He was a virgin and I'm taking this break up thing seriously because I feel horrible breaking his heart, but I'm also THOROUGHLY disgusted.
Edit 3: He's a work from home accountant. I commute an hour and work as a nurse in a very physically and emotionally demanding field. I expect my partner to pick up the slack when I'm exhausted as I would do for him.
When he said this to me it was like a bomb being dropped on me. Every excuse I made for him just sort of shattered. I can't even muster the force to text him back because I'm so repulsed, but I have three nights shifts coming up so I guess I'll just pretend for now.
Update:
I said this to someone who was saying I was cruel and I really what to share this:
"I liked this man. I was falling in love with him. I posted on Reddit because I care. The fact that a 31 YEAR OLD MAN has no interest in cooking for himself physically repulses me, maybe because of past relationships, maybe because there are other underlying things that are adding up, I'm not sure right now.
All I know is that when I entered the relationship I thought I saw a mature, intelligent young man who was ready to start a life with a person who he found equally appealing. Now? I see a spoiled man child who will have me cooking and cleaning for the rest of my life because he had "such a long day at work".
There is a woman who is prepared to do every single bit of the emotional, sexual, physical labor that is involved with rearing children, running a family, teaching someone how to love. I need a partner, not a child.
Partners share the burden of life's tasks. When I am down, I need my partner to lift me up and vice versa. So most of these comments are correct, it is a huge red flag and I'm better off focusing on taking care of myself and maybe purchasing my mom and stepdad's home so they can finally retire and my brother and his partner have a stable living situation."
Regrettably I do think it was a mistake posting this. I appreciate the comments from everyone, but no one told me what I wanted to hear because the comments aren't from him. Ultimately what I wanted to hear from him is that he would try and that's not what he told me today when I called.
I am a nasty woman in his world. As much as that hurts me, I have known for a while that I need to learn to let go and leave. This was just an exercise in that. If I hurt your feelings in the comments I'm sorry, I'm just heartbroken.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Married for 13yrs, 2 kids. I want you to know, this is the kinda stuff that kills relationships. The amount of built up resentment from an entitled partner will have you day dreaming stabbing him in the eyeball. End it now. End it early. Save yourself any future heartache.
NTA, because I'd bet my last nickel this isn't the ONLY thing he refuses to do for himself--and that he will assume you will do for him when his mommy stops doing it. You could have a conversation about it.
Ask him flat out does he see himself continuing to go to his mothers for dinner every night, or does he just assume you will do it? Ask him who does his laundry. It IS possible that he truly hates cooking, and would be willing to do all other chores if you agree to do that one. It's not likely, but it's possible. Good luck.
30+ and cant / wont cook after work, but expects others to cook after work for him....
NTA ofc, he will always be lazy.
"I'm looking for a partnership. A person who has my back, and I have theirs. I'm not looking for someone who wants me to cook for them every night after a 12 hour shift because they are too lazy. What would happen in the future? Would I be expected to do all the housework while I work and you sit around? You are showing that you don't value me."
Right now you're dating. This is the BEST it will be. People are usually on their best behaviour. Toxic traits usually come out after marriage. He's showing you this NOW, don't waste more of your time.
Narrow-Opposite-5737 (OP)
I think I will definitely paraphrase this because it really does make me feel like what I'm trying to communicate.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
So... I liked this man a lot but ultimately didn't see anything long term and I broke up with him today. He basically said okay and I said I wanted to tell him why, and he said no.... I said that's kind of something a man that cycles through women/doesn't have long term relationships would say, not a man who's never had a girlfriend and is breaking up with his first one would say.
So, I proceeded to tell him what he said and what it meant to me when he said it...This man proceeded to GASLIGHT me into believing that he never said it and that he was just innocent and that I'm just "trying to be cruel to him".
He then said that he didn't intend on being more independent which basically contradicts the gaslighting... So blocked him and that's the update. My feelings are hurt and my mind is spinning, hoping to find peace again soon.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Still NTA. I’m sure he and his mom will be very happy together.
I'm glad she got a 1 month trial pack and used it to have a sneak peek into the future. Spoiler: it'd get worse.
The fact he works from home while she's working 12 hour shifts as a nurse and he'd still expect her to cook for him...freaking yikes.
being a man child is such turnoff!! what do u mean u cant make simple food to eat by yourself, and will continue with cant fold his own cloths, cant sweep the house he lives in.
…yo. can i just, from the wise old age of 36, pop in here to say that at 31 he is not a young man anymore, he’s just a man. straight up. right down the middle, a man. who wants his mom to make his dinners when his girlfriend of one (1) month isn’t doing it. (but hey, does anyone else think oop seemed way too invested in this relationship based on the time frame?)