"AITA for breaking up with my girlfriend over her parents?"

I 23 M have been dating a girl for about a year and 3 months now. When we first got together she warned me that her parents (mainly her father) is a bit crazy. Boy was she right. When we first got together everything was good, no issues with them and I heard good things back from her that her parents liked me. Her dad is a very straight and arrow type of guy. His way or the highway.

He has alot of control over her, she has a curfew and is not aloud to stay over whatsoever. Don't even think about it. Wich I can somewhat respect considering she still lives at home etc. She's not aloud to attend any of the weekend trips that me and my family go on even though her parents are invited to them as well.

There was one instance where he did say yes that she could go on one camping trip with me and my family. What a screw up. We were lying in bed at night about to go to bed. We have very limited service where we are so text messages and phone calls kinda come when they want to. She gets a text message from her mother saying to call her asap etc.

We blast out to the road to try and gain some better cell service for a phone call. She reaches her mother and her mother tells her that she is here to pick her up ( we passed by her on the way out but didn't clue in that it was her). We meet up with her mother and she says that her father sent her up here to get her.

( we are about 5 hours from home) so here we are thinking something terrible has happened for her to drive 5 hours to come get her only to find out that he just wants her home and regrets saying yes to her going. We stood there and talked for roughly 2 hours and her mother insulted me multiple times for reasons as dumb as the genre of music I like.

Let me remind you her parents were invited on this trip but chose to stay home. They both end up staying with me and my family for the night. Her mother waking up and leaving before the sun rose due to fear of embarrassment.

She goes home later that weekend to find that her mother is in trouble with her father because she went up there and tried to get my girlfriend to come home wich would then go against his word that she could go. Then my girlfriend was also in trouble for not listening to her mother. Sounds crazy right? Just wait.

Her mother has always been nice to me, making me coffees and sending me home with leftovers etc. Her father has always been nice to me as well even though he always has something to say behind my back to my girlfriend for something as small as the vehicle I drive isn't a high quality long lasting toyota. Just recently for family day I invited her family up to my father's house to go atving.

Something I have done on a few occasions but they have never taken me up on my offer. This time they did. The morning of when they were supposed to come, her dad says he isn't feeling well. Wich is fine no pressure. He ends up saying he's going to pass but that her mom can still go and he will load the atvs for her and she and my girlfriend can go together.

So the atvs are loaded trucks packed they're ready to leave. At the last minute he says to her that this isn't a good idea because she's never towed this specific trailer with this truck. (she's been driving big trucks and trailers for over 30 years they owned a landscaping company together)

She ends up starting to second guess her self and ends up bailing too but she still decides to come up and she will just ride one of our machines. The day goes by we have an amazing day and she goes home to find him in a fit of rage that she went with out him and all this other stuff from past experiences with her. (Nothing bad she's a very good wife and mother he's just out to lunch)

He ends up kicking her mother out for this and she goes and stays at a friend's house. Few days go by and she comes back and they talk. My girlfriend over hears them talking about me (mainly him yelling at her and she's just listening) he tells her that she emotionally cheats on him with me because of how nice and help ful she is with me. The coffees, leftovers etc.

Turns out he doesn't like that she's nice to me because I haven't put in "the work" not sure what that means he can't even explain it himself. I have helped them around there house many many times from yard clean up to cooking dinner and breakfast. This is getting to the point where he's mentally abusing all of us and he's playing mental gymnastics to get them to listen to him and go by what he says.

No one's aloud an opinion or an option. He just recently said I'm not aloud at there place anymore wich is extremely hard on my girlfriend to do all of the driving we live about a hour apart. In the past he's complained that I don't come down enough now I'm not aloud at all for next to no reason other then his wife is nice to me.

They stopped sleeping in the same bed and he got mad at her for sleeping in the bed that I usually sleep in when I stay over there saying that she's only sleeping in that bed because I did. He got so mad that he punched a hole in the door while she was trying to sleep. When they both listen to him and abide by his crazy rules the house runs smooth. When they don't it's like the sky is falling.

There has been many instances like the ones I just explained over the years that my girlfriend has explained to me. Her mother has been kicked out over a dozen times for stuff as small as this. She's a battered woman everyone who she talks to is telling her to leave. Me, my family, her boss, her family and even the women's shelter she called told her to leave. She won't so I have gave up trying with her.

She recently booked a trip for her and my girlfriend to go to England to see her mother. Her dad has a big fear of airplanes so he does not fly. Over the whole family day situation he made her cancel the trip to England saying how if she didn't then she didn't love him. I should also mention that my girlfriend mother's mother is currently being treated for cancer and she hasn't seen her in over 10 years.

She does end up canceling the trip and my girlfriend is devastated over it. Rightfully so. Anyways there's lots more to this, this is just a drop in the bucket but that's the main juicy stuff. Things are okay between her and I but she always seems to get sucked into his crazy narsasitic ways saying she's a terrible daughter and that her mother is a idiot for letting her date me etc.

I recently offered to let her move in with me to escape this but she seems hesitant to leave them. I'm not going to twist her arm that if she doesn't leave to stay with me that I'm going to break up with her but I frankly want absolutely nothing to do with her family anymore and that's not healthy for her or I I don't think.

I feel bad leaving her over her family stuff but I have to deal with these people for the rest of my life and I just know I won't be able to do it. I feel lost and muddy on how to deal with this. I don't see us lasting much longer if she stays with her family because I will not deal with there stupid small bullshit issues with me and her dating.

(Mainly her father and her mother is just a spitting image of him due to reasons I have stated above) alot of there marital issues are blamed on my girlfriend because her father is not approachable on anything so her mother does it for her and that causes issues.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

korepersephone11 said:

NTA. Her father is a problem, not her or you. He’s also not going to change, but she’s not ready to leave home yet because it’s very hard to leave an abusive situation even if you are an adult.

Sensimya said:

Okay, so there is aloooooooot happening here. 1.) You're NTA for breaking up with her over this. 2.) Her father is incredibly abusive to both her and her mother. 3.) Both her and mother need to gtfo of that house and they both need some serious therapy.

When you break up with her ensure you specify why exact you're breaking up with her. Tell her that the dynamics between her and her mother and father are not healthy and that her father is abusive and controlling to both her and her mother. Let her know you wish her the best and hope she can get out but that you can no longer date her due to the level of turmoil and vitriol he brings to your life.

And Visual-Ordinary2877 said:

NTA. My dad was a little bit of the same way as her father, except if my dad said yes or no, he's not switching up later on. Her dad is doing the unnecessary most. He's controlling over your girlfriend AND her mom? Get away from the drama.

Four days later, he shared this update:

First off thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond, I was not expecting so many comments and so much advice. We also both really appreciate everyone’s care and concern for my girlfriend’s situation, it meant a lot to us both.

I took everyone’s advice and sat my girlfriend down for a chat before I made any permanent decisions. Despite being on Reddit asking about breaking up with her I would actually like to keep her around. I did what a lot of you guys suggested and explained how I’m feeling with the situation with her parents and how much it puts on me.

I told her how I don’t see a happy future for either of us if things don’t take a drastic change. I explained how when I look at my life the most stressful part is her parents and it shouldn’t be that way. I also told her that I don’t feel good brining may future kids into that situation and that my days shouldn’t be spent worrying about her and her family constantly and waiting for the next big blow up.

She was super upset that I was at the point of ending it with her, she reminded me of how she had me promise i wouldn’t ditch her because of her parents which made me feel very guilty. I told her I love her and I don’t want to hurt her but I also need to protect myself too.

She said she understands that completely and it’s along that same line of reasoning for why she wants to move out; that she loves her parents but has to protect herself. She apologized several times for letting it go this far and dragging me in to it, I could tell she felt absolutely horrible which made me feel horrible in return.

Something must’ve finally flipped for her because she asked if the offer of moving in was still on the table and I told her it absolutely was. I asked her why she changed her mind and she said that she could never look at her parents the same for being the reason she lost a good guy who she loves and that she didn’t want to go backwards anymore.

So she moved out, told her Dad where he could stuff it and I’m happy to say we’re unpacking her stuff and getting her settled in as I type this out. She has also agreed to severely limit contact with her parents and any contact she choses to have with them will have nothing to do with me and they will have no place in our lives as a couple unless we’re both okay with it.