'AITA for breaking up with my gf after she dropped a heck of a fact bomb on me?' UPDATED
"AITA for breaking up with my GF after she dropped a heck of a fact bomb on me?"
My gf (F29) and I (M32) have been together for three years, and I was planning to propose to her soon. She is a very sweet person, and we never had any large arguments before. We listened to the same music, watched the same tv show, and even have the same food preference.
Yesterday, a mutual friend of ours came over to hang out, and started to talk about her ex returning to our town soon. This opened up a can of worms, in which my gf admitting that she still harbors feeling towards her ex and have been unable to move on from him.
She mentioned that the reason that she dated me was that I was the guy she felt the most comfortable with, albeit that she didn’t feel anything romantic towards me.
For context, they broke up a couple of years before we dated as he was moving out of the country. She was the one who proposed that we should date. He never came back, and have never been in contact with any of us since then.
Afterwards, it felt awkward around my gf, especially knowing that she and I have different set of goals for this relationship, and I wanted to be break it off. She then asked me not to mind the fact and that she still wants to continue whatever we had before. AITA for not being able to say “yes” to continue this relationship as usual?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
blakezemog wrote:
NTA she essentially said she has feelings for someone else which leads me to believe her future doesn’t fully include you in it. I wouldn’t waste my time and wait to find out she doesn’t want a future together years down the line.
I mean, I guess you could have another conversation with her and ask what her end goal is but if you can’t get past the fact she admitted feelings for an ex, I would just leave things as they are with you having broken up with her.
OP responded:
I don’t think that I’m able to live with the fact that my gf is not attracted to me. Thanks for the insight.
Individual_Plan_5593 wrote:
She openly admits she has no feelings for you??? RUN don't walk! NTA.
OP responded:
Yes, that came out of nowhere. I’ve been with her for years, there was nothing that really indicates that she didn’t share the same sentiment as me, and this sudden statement from here really threw a curveball at me.
Financial_Weekend_73 wrote:
Why would you even think about staying after that she’s just using you until the ex comes back…NTA stand your ground.
OP responded:
It's just that I don’t want to hurt her. But I don’t think this can work out in the long run.
Eleven days later, OP shared an update.
We broken up since the last post, and aren’t talking to each other till now. We had quite the lengthy talk before the break up, in regards to her expectation of this relationship, our feelings, and the woulds, coulds and shoulds. She mentioned that she was looking forward to a marriage. I didn’t tell her about my plan to propose tho.
She attempted to reconcile, said that she accepted that her ex is no longer in love with her and that she is starting to fall for me, but its hard for me to believe that. She wanted us to start again from the beginning as friends, and work our way up till how we were before the talk, but I personally think that would be impossible, at least for me. In the end, she reluctantly agreed to go our separate ways.
As for me, I felt lighter, relieved, but not happy. I’m just glad that I don’t have to question myself on the hows and whys anymore. I haven’t told my mum yet, she would be devastated as they are close. These few mornings I have not woken up to her good mornings, and it felt a bit lonely. I’ll manage, but I do need the time to recover.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
SirEDCaLot wrote:
Okay so for 3 years, every time she said 'I love you' she was lying to your face? Sorry but that to me is a deal killer. The ex doesn't matter, her feelings for the ex don't matter. What matters is you and her and trust and honesty.
And she told you she felt one way, swore it was the truth, when she really felt another way. I don't think there's coming back from that. Because from this day forward, every time she says 'I love you' part of you will wonder if she really means it.
Analisandopessoas wrote:
You made the best choice, now move on and you will definitely find someone who values you.
OP responded:
I like to think so, but I might need some time bfore going into another relationship.
Top_strawberry2348 wrote:
You will do more than manage - you will flourish. I think you recognized her lies.
That sounds harsh, but she dated you (which is a form of romance) while thinking of you as second best. To me that’s a lie.
Having feelings for her ex is fine. It’s her business. But going out with you as friends would have been honest.
“Starting to fall for” a man who mistakenly thought a proposal was their next step is deceptive.
OP responded:
Thanks, appreciate it.
Creative-Sun6739 wrote:
You did the right thing. If you had proposed and married her, you would have gone through that whole marriage with doubts in the back of your mind about feeling that she settled for you. There's also the very big possibility that she would have probably cheated on you at some point if the ex showed even the slightest interest in her again.
That's no way to live in a relationship, it's a lie and a sham. It may hurt now but each new day that comes puts you one day farther from your ex and the bullet you dodged. Do you for a while and eventually you will find someone more deserving of you.
Mystic_printer wrote:
I’m very glad to hear you are not with her anymore. Try not to focus on the fact she wasn’t romantically into you. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t here.
She was selfish and chose to date you despite that which was very unfair to you and now she even wants to continue the relationship. All this tells me that you are a desirable partner and when you are ready and meet the right woman she will be very lucky to have you.