'AITA for breaking up with my fiancé over an ultimatum over my ring?'
"AITA for breaking up with my fiancé over an ultimatum over my ring?"
For context: I 34F was married before to my childhood sweetheart, we started dating at 16 and got married at 20, he passed away when we were 25 and I haven't dated anyone until 2 years ago when I met my ex fiancé 38M (let's call him Matthew for the sake of the post).
I told him about my late husband and made it clear for me his family were still my family and that I visit the cemetery at least twice a month to clean and stuff, he agreed and after he proposed he wanted to go to the cemetery with me to pay his respects.
Anyway, I still wore my wedding ring until my fiancé proposed and to be honest I wasn't ready to part with my ring and I was talking about it with my MIL and she gave me a gold necklace and told me to put my wedding ring there and I did.
I was very happy with my new necklace and when I got home Mathew realized I only have his engaged ring on me and was very happy and said finally decided to get rid of the other one? And I said of course not and show him the necklace he just changed the subject.
Fast forward 10 days ago, I was going to wash my hair so I take off the necklace and put it on the nightstand after I got out of the bathroom I realized Mathew wasn't home anymore but I thought he went on a walk or the supermarket or something, when I dried all my hair I went to sleep.
The next morning I tried to put on my necklace back but couldn't find it. I panicked and started crying I made a mess everywhere trying to find it. I called Mathew and he didn't answer.
I left voicemails and after two hours he came home and found me crying and our apartment a mess he asked what happened and I told him I lost my ring. He helped me look for it and after a while he told me we'd eventually find it and made me some tea to calmed me down.
Well, Matthew's mom called me last Wednesday and asked if she could come to visit and I said yes. After some small talk, she got quiet and then said I came here to return something but you must not tell Matthew about it. Then she took my ring out of her purse and handed it to me. I once again started sobbing holding my ring and she just consoled me.
After I calmed down a bit she said Mathew went to her house a couple days ago and asked if he could keep something at her house because it was a surprise and he didn't want me to find out and she said yes and to put it in her drawer with her things.
When she went to look for her reading glasses in the drawer she saw a little box and got curious and opened it. She said she immediately recognized my ring because is unique and I showed her before so she grab it and came to find me.
She said she doesn't understand why he did that or what he wanted to do with the ring but she knew is not right and I'd be devastated. She asked me not to tell him she gave me my ring back and said she support me whatever I wanted to do.
I didn't even have to think about it, I packed all my things and went to my mom's house, I blocked him everywhere and although I thought about leaving a note or something but I didn't think he deserves it after what he did, I only left his ring behind and leave.
I've been at my mom's since she lives in another City. Matthew's been trying to contact me ever since, calling every single person he knows has my number including my mom. My mom and my brother are full on my side and told him they don't know about me but my friends are pressuring me into talking to him but none of them know what he did.
I'm planning on changing my phone number or something because I can't handle it anymore. My MIL told me to go stay with her for a while because my ex would most likely come to look for me at my mom's or brother's I think I'll do that because I feel so tired but at the same time I'm started questioning if I handle it the right way or if I was being immature or something
I'll leave a little edit here because some people are repeating the same thing I think some of you try to relate losing a spouse and breaking up with somebody is not the same in a sense I don't think any widow/widower out there ever stop loving their late spouse. Do I need therapy? Maybe, but don't we all? And for people who think I never gave Mathew his place I'll leave this here.
I talked to him and told him to talk to me if something bothers him. When we moved in together he asked me if I could not bring all the pictures I had with my late husband and I agreed, he asked if I could visit the cemetery less frequently and I did. He never asked me to take my ring off and when I showed him the ring in the little chain he said "okay 5 minutes crafts" and said "it's actually cute as a pendant".
I don't know what else he wanted from me, I never dismissed or ridiculed any of his concerns or feelings, I was always willing to talk openly about anything if he decided not to talk to me about it there's not really anything I can do.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. He’s jealous of your deceased husband. He’s insane. Please seek therapy to find the peace you deserve. If you value your friends, tell them what he did. If they are true friends they will immediately understand and side with you. Or is there a reason you don’t want to tell friends?
mountain_icecream (OP)
I didn't want to make an even bigger deal out of it because I'm tired and don't want to talk about it and deep down I'm scared of listening to others opinions. I love my friends but I just didn't want to risk them saying things about my late husband or something like that, I think I'm just overthinking everything but idk.
He STOLE your late husband's ring knowing just how much it would hurt you. Thank spirit his mother has more sense. You've not over reacted. Hes calling because he KNOWS exactly what he's done. Major red flags here. Move on. Get therapy if it would help.
Some people could overlook a bad decision made in a bad moment due to insecurity. I don't know if I could. But then he lied and helped you look for it. I think that's unforgivable, personally. I'm not excusing the insecurity, but it's common enough that we shouldn't be surprised when some weak man finds themselves jealous of a dead ex.
I don't know how spineless you have to be in order to feel threatened by happy memories and grief, I don't respect it, but it's common enough that we have to accept that it happens and it's kind of normal. But lying and pretending to look and offering you empty reassurance when he literally knows you won't find it anywhere? Gross. NTA.
NTA. Good for you for walking away now. The thing that gets me is that he helped you search for a ring that he had stolen!
mountain_icecream (OP)
Honestly it made me a little scared what else is he capable of hide/act like everything is find?