'AITA for breaking up with my gf after I found out she slept with someone while dating (and lied about it)?' + UPDATE
"AITA for breaking up with my gf after I found out she slept with someone while dating (and lied about it)?"
When I first started dating my now ex, and asked her if she wanted to be exclusive, I asked her two questions.
1. Was she seeing anyone else? She said no.
And
2. Has she slept with anyone else while dating me? She said no. She did ask me why I asked her that.
I told her that I believe that if you sleep with someone else when dating others, that makes us incompatible. Cuz to me that means she either doesn't see sex the same way I do, or if she does she it the same way I do, then it means she chose someone else over me. (We hadn't slept together by then, by the way.) So, after that, we were together, for about year and some months.
I found out that she had in fact slept with someone else while dating me. Honestly, there wasn't anything she could have said, but I figured I should let her talk. She said it meant nothing and that she didn't want that to ruin a good thing, and that I shouldn't let something so meaningless ruin our relationship.
I told her that she lied to me, and that I was very clear on my end. I told her we were done. She kept insisted that our relationship is good, and that it was a good thing she lied. I told I'm not gonna reward her lying. I do feel kind of guilty tbh, but she lied to me when I was as clear as possible. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA - you asked her at the beginning at the relationship if she had slept with someone else while dating you because that was a dealbreaker for you, as it would have been for me too. She said no knowing she had so she started yalls relationship on a lie. If she had of told you from the get go do you think you could’ve worked through it? How did you find out?
Also to add my previous partner also lied to me about sleeping with other people during the time we had just started dating but I didn’t find out until after broke up. Had I known beforehand I would’ve ended it whenever I found out.
Why did she think it was a good thing that she lied?
From her perspective, the result of the lie was a good and happy relationship, and telling the truth wouldn't do anyone any good, because the sex was meaningless.
Her claim that sleeping with someone else is meaningless doesn't bode well for her potential as a long term partner.
And that was a lie. She was hoping the guy she was banging would commit. He wouldn’t so she dated around but kept sleeping with him as he was her top choice. And is also why OP never got to have sex with her before committing, cause he probably wasn’t her top type but offered what she was looking for at the time.
Eight days later, the OP returned with an update.
So my now ex came by to my place to pick up her things. Or we'll, at least that's what I thought she was doing. She said she still wanted to talk about us, that she wanted to stay together, and asked for a chance to hear her out.
Against my better judgment, I agreed. I think on some level, I'm hoping to find something to change my mind. Despite what I may seem like, I do love her, but I don't think I can trust her anymore.
Sadly, nothing she said really changed my mind. She actually used a lot of the arguments I heard in the last comment section. She told me that she knew the other guy better but liked me way more and that our relationship was way better than anything she had with the other guy.
I told her that didn't change my mind, because in my mind, she chose him before me. She told me that wasn't the case, and then I straight up asked her why she slept with him before me then?
She told me that it was just different and that it wasn't a comparison. I told her I didn't believe her. She then asked me what I expected her to do. If she told the truth, I'd have broken up with her, and she lied, I'd have still broken up with her.
At that point, I knew I just wasted my time talking to her, and I asked her to leave. Thanks for all the support, tbh. I think my last post made me feel more ready for my ex's visit.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I’m glad you stood your ground and didn’t feed into her bs, i hope you find someone that actually respects the relationship, best of luck to you!
Exactly. She was trying to twist it either way to make herself look better, but none of it changes the fact that she lied and betrayed your trust. You did the right thing walking away. You deserve someone honest from the start.
“If she told the truth, I'd have broken up with her”
This is her admitting that she manipulated you. If she respected you as a human being, and not as a possession or an object, she would have told you the truth and let you make your own decision.
NTA, and her logic was Olympic-level mental gymnastics. "I slept with him but liked you more!" is the romantic equivalent of "I ate the whole cake but totally wanted the salad!" Doesn’t track.
Her "what was I supposed to do?" whine was especially rich. Uh, maybe not cheat? Wild concept. You dodged a bullet—she’s not sorry she did it, she’s sorry she got caught. Now go pour one out for the trash that took itself out. Next time she texts, reply with a link to the definition of "consequences."
It’s crazy to me that you can point blank communicate a dealbreaker to someone and they’ll just lie to your face out of selfishness. Some people just suck.
I might be misunderstanding the situation, but I’m someone who dates one person at a time. For some reason, dating multiple people in the early stages became normal. She wanted to have fun in the moment and have stability long term. She got to have her fun, and now stability has left.
I think people are crazy to think your expectations are unreasonable.. the fact that she didn’t sleep with you until you became official but slept with him without being official speaks volumes, she’s full of it, it’s more likely that the other guy just didn’t want anything serious & she did.
You dropped this sir 👑