"AITA for breaking up with my GF after she intentionally hid my laptop out of spite?"

Some context, my partner (late 20s F) and I (late 20s F) have been together several years. We've had periods of breaking up and getting back together. We recently moved in together after a long period of what felt like stability and growth, but since the moving process and moving in, there's been a lot of strife and fighting--some of it old problems coming back up, and some of it new issues.

One recurring problem is my partner struggles with organization and will put her things (such as clothes, accessories, etc.) in piles in a specific but non-designated place for those things. For example, putting a pile of clothes and jewelry on the couch or entryway table.

When I (or she) accidentally move these items, usually due to needing to use that space for its intended purpose, or some other purpose, it becomes a huge problem.

She gets frustrated and overwhelmed quickly, has wanted me to drop what I'm doing to look for it (with an undercurrent of it being my fault it's misplaced and my responsibility to find it--which makes me not want to help anymore), and half the time it ends up being a fight.

We're still in the process of unpacking and settling it and right now one of our bathrooms is filled with storage. She put a stack of her clothes, including a hat, on top of the storage items. I needed to get to those items to organize the house and I did my best to put her things together. I don't recall moving the hat. Cue breakfast time, we're having a fine morning, chatting and everything is good.

She's getting dressed and goes to get her hat, which is not where she remembers putting it. Immediately she's upset with me, telling me I need to stop touching her stuff, and how I always do this and she is agitated and frustrated. I tell her calmly but firmly that I have no intention of moving her things, but if I need to get to the storage I will simply have to touch her stuff.

And that it probably fell behind some things and to keep looking because I know she will find it. She didn't want to hear that, she became increasingly more upset talking at me, stormed around criticizing me instead of actively looking, and I lost my patience and left on a walk in the middle of her talking.

Fast forward to that afternoon. Partner is not home. I'm looking around for my laptop--I have finals due the next day and I need to start working (keep in mind I do have another laptop that I just bought to replace my old one, but I hadn't set it up yet; and to manage my fickle ADHD motivation, I was going to use setting up my computer as a reward for completing my finals on my old laptop).

I can't find my laptop anywhere. It's not in the place I always leave it. My gut immediately says that she took it or moved it, but I decide to look around first and make sure I didn't miss anything. I look EVERYWHERE. I text her "Did you take my laptop with you?"

She takes a while to text back "no I don't have your laptop." I ask if she's seen it and she can check her icloud since it used to be connected?-- "no it's been disconnected for a while." I text again "Okay so have you seen it?" No reply. I am now 95% convinced she's lying to me but I didn't want to believe that she would actually do this.

She comes home in the evening--I ask again about my laptop. She sits on the couch, not looking at me, focusing on something else while I'm asking to talk to her about it. She chortles at my suggestion that "the only other logical option if you don't have it and it's not in the apartment is that it's stolen" (we live in a building).

I keep pressing her, she says offhandedly "i dont know did you check that closet?" She walks over to the closet to put away her jacket and I walk over, to watch her, suspecting she would pull it out of her bag or something. I didn't see her move anything and I ask "why would you suggest that closet specifically?"

This goes on for a few more minutes with her smiling smugly and snickering and I'm getting increasingly upset. She's telling me she's too busy to help me find my laptop by answering my questions.

Finally I walk over again to the closet, the tiniest piece of doubt wondering if maybe I didn't check it fully--and lo and behold it's sitting right there on top of some jackets, the same jackets I completely pulled out of the closet while digging through to find my laptop--it wasn't there before. I absolutely lose it. I am livid. I am yelling at her that she is weird and that was cruel and disgusting behavior.

I tell her I don't want to be in a relationship with her and I do not want to be in a relationship like this. Once I say that, she doubles down and just proceeds to dismiss that its just a computer and it's not that serious--and was attempting STILL to make it seem like it was there in the closet the whole time (turns out she hid it on a top shelf--the only place in this entire apartment I didn't check).

She still has not apologized and said she has no reason to "since we're broken up." Her response and the whole situation made me feel sick to my stomach. I absolutely hate "pranks" (she knows this) and this wasn't even a prank--she basically admitted to doing this because she was pissed at me for "losing her hat" (MIND YOU i found her damn hat while looking for my laptop, exactly where I said it would be!)

This feels extremely serious to me. It doesn't feel like a petty little act. It feels disrespectful, like a breach of my privacy and our shared space, and genuinely cruel. I told her I don't think you can care for someone and love them and do something like this, intentionally cause them distress, confusion, and harm. I cannot fathom how she though this would play out...

The whole process of "breaking up" is daunting and I historically have not been good at maintaining my boundaries and my resolve when breaking up in the past (I initiated, but we were both expressing unhappiness). We live together and while the apartment is spacious, it is challenging to split up rooms (only 1 bed) and the other room is still being used as storage.

And finding a new apartment is even more challenging with financial constraints having just moved so recently. I also am not someone who easily has big emotional reactions (unlike my partner), and I find myself feeling guilty or questioning if I should have responded differently. So while I know my feelings are valid, I am still wondering if I overreacted on breaking up.

This is what people had to say to OP:

Pookie1688 said:

You know what, a healthy relationship actually brings out the best in you both, not the worst. Why continue this pettiness & misery?

Possible_Studio436 said:

NTA, because that’s just going to spiral into bigger & more important items. (Laptop is important) but obviously items you need EVERYDAY. That’s a mind trick, gaslighting, and will get worse. Stick to your boundaries and gtfo.

overindulgent said:

Damn. The fact that she was malicious towards you when her hat getting lost/misplaced was a complete accident says it all. She’s a child and an AH. Just get out of there and don’t look back.

And Friendly-Channel-480 said:

I have ADHD too and am pretty disorganized. I think your G.F’s behavior is break up worthy and cruel.

Three days later, OP shared this update:

I've been avoiding speaking to her, sleeping on the couch, getting my affairs in order quietly. she's been finding ways to try and ragebait me. Last night at 2am she comes to the living room where I'm sleeping to ask where I put my rose toy (IYKYK). I put it away because it's mine, it was always meant to be my personal toy, but she took quasi-ownership of it-- and I simply don't want her using it anymore.

She proceeds to harass me for 40 minutes straight to tell her where it is, to please give it to her, that she just needs it to sleep. As she disrupts my sleep. I had to lock myself in the bathroom twice because she wouldn't respect me telling her to leave me alone and kept coming back.

At the end of this tirade, she asks "when are you leaving for *holiday trip*?" I tell her don't know and to please leave me alone and let me sleep. "No, I just need to know when you're going to be gone for an extended period of time cuz yeah I just need to know"--implying she needs to know when I'll be gone so she can do lord knows what when she's alone. I didn't get to sleep until after 3am.

She gets up at 7:30 am (she never gets up this early). Comes to the living room loudly, tries to hug me. I was sleeping. I tell her please do not touch me. She says "really? how long are we going to do this for?" I pull the covers over my face and try and ignore her and stay calm. She pulls them off my face to ask me a question. She proceeds turn on all of the lights, even though it is already bright.

She blends something for (no exaggeration) 20 minutes straight. She stomps around, slams doors, loudly rummages through items. I stay under the covers and just contain my energy. Before she leaves she again tries to hug me after I told her multiple times to please not touch me. She forces a kiss on my head and says "i love you" and again asks how long we're going to do this. Finally she leaves for the day.

When I get up, I see that she turned the heater in the living room up to 86 degrees from 70 degrees to make me hot and uncomfortable. We have pets. I just wanted to update because I needed to hear how messed up, manipulative, and cruel it is. And I just want to witness myself by writing this down, and be witnessed by others. I can't wait to get myself out of here.