'AITA for considering breaking up with my girlfriend for what her grandparents said?' UPDATED
"AITA for considering breaking up with my girlfriend for what her grandparents said?"
I know this sounds weird, but hear me out. I am posting this on an alt account so nobody I know can find it. I (22M) and my gf (22F) have been together for almost 2 years now.
We met during freshers week at university, and found out we were studying the same course. Our relationship has been running smoothly, and we rarely argue. The one problem that we have is to do with her boy bestfriend, who we’ll call Alex, (23M).
Alex has been around for longer than I have. He has known my gf for around 4 years now, and they attended high school together. I initially had no problem with Alex, until he started making fun of my appearance and accent.
For context, I am not a bad-looking guy. I am 5’10, and have a decent build (I have been working out for just over half a year now), and I have good facial features. Alex has pointed out small things like the shape of my eyebrows, the way my hair gets messy (I have longer hair that can regularly get tangled up,) and my accent (I am Slavic, and English is not my first language).
For the most part, my girlfriend has defended me and called Alex out on his bs. But sometimes, she will laugh at the things he says, particularly when he makes fun of my accent.
This bothers me a lot, as I struggled with my English for a few months before passing my IELTs and struggled to fit in when I moved here. I have brought this up to her and she apologises but continues to do so.
Now, onto the issue. My gf and I recently went to visit her grandparents for the weekend. They are a pretty big part in my gfs life. She was raised by them as well as her parents, and this was my first time meeting them.
Her grandmother opened the door, and greeted me with a hug, and proceeded to say, “Alex, we’ve heard all about you!” I instantly assumed it was a mistake (her grandmother is old, so maybe it was a memory thing?) and I corrected her and told her my name. She frowned and shook her head, sure that it couldn’t be correct.
The dinner was a bit awkward, as both her grandparents kept referring to me as Alex. My girlfriend kept on correcting them, and they looked confused. After the dinner, I politely asked my girlfriend why they continued to mix me up with Alex.
She blew up on me, telling me they’re old and struggle with memory loss. I apologised, explaining I didn’t mean to insult anybody, I just wanted to know why they continued to refer to me as Alex even after correction. We left it at that, and spent the night watching movies that her grandparents enjoyed.
I was setting up the bed in the spare room for me and my girlfriend, when I overheard her grandmother and her talking. My girlfriend was talking in a hushed tone about Alex.
Her grandmother kept asking why she hadn’t brought Alex along like she said she would. I couldn’t hear my gf very well, but she told her grandmother something came up, so she had to bring me instead.
I was surprised, as we had this trip planned for a couple of weeks beforehand. I heard her grandmother asking how Alex was doing, and when they would get to see him again.
I am really confused. I asked my girlfriend about it in bed, and she insisted that her grandmother just struggled with memory loss and didn’t know what she was saying. I asked if she had planned to bring Alex to her grandparent’s, and if so, I would’ve had no problem with it if she’d of simply let me know.
She blew up on me again, insisting I didn’t understand her relationship with Alex. She called me a few petty names, and told me to sleep on the pull out couch. I reluctantly agreed and laid awake all night thinking about the conversation.
Since then, my gf has been more irritable and nothing I say makes her want to talk to me. She has been calling Alex regularly, and refusing to tell me why she’s so upset. This is deeply confusing me, as I didn’t come across as insulting in anyway.
I have considered breaking up with her a couple of times, as this behaviour is completely out of the blue, and her refusal to communicate properly is worrying me. Any advice? Would I be the AH if I broke up with her?
EDIT: Thank you for the replies, and helping me realise that this was never just about what her grandparents have said. My gfs behaviour is unacceptable, and I will be having a talk with her tomorrow which will ultimately end in splitting up with her. I will post a short update tomorrow for anyone who is interested!
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
She’s telling you that you’re secondary to Alex.
messmer- (OP)
I really hope this isn’t the case. I love my gf, and up until now I’ve had no real reason to question her intentions.
NTA. Stop apologising and backing off whenever your gf lies to your face and throws a tantrum to deflect from her obvious emotional cheating (at the very least)!
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi! I am writing this in my car, and what just happened completely baffled me. My girlfriend got off of work early, and messaged me asking to come pick her up. This is the first time she has messaged me first in days.
I agreed, and drove to go pick her up. I waited in the customer section (she works in a bakery) and I noticed some of her coworkers were giving me dirty looks. I brushed it off.
When she got out, she was quiet. She got in my car with a huff and then asked if I could drive her to Alex’s place, as him and some other friends were having a small gathering there.
I admit this annoyed me. I told her flat out we needed to talk, and asked her if she wanted to go to my place to do so. She told me anything I had to say, I could say it now.
So that’s what I did. I told her that her behaviour over the past few days had been unacceptable. Her refusal to talk to me, how she blew up at me for just asking simple questions. This is where the conversation got weird.
She told me that her grandparents had been waiting to meet Alex and that’s why they got confused (much different to her loss of memory excuse in my earlier post). I asked her why she didn’t just tell me that.
She told me I wouldn’t understand because I don’t understand her relationship with Alex. I told her that yes, I do not understand her relationship with Alex. How she lets him insult me, and how she carries on defending him. She told me that people over here make fun of each other, and I wouldn’t understand because my culture is different. What???
I told her that regardless of my culture, I wouldn’t tolerate the disrespect from her friend, and the lying has led me to believe she is no longer trustworthy. I told her I have given her zero reason to lie to me. She started crying and promising me that nothing was going on between her and Alex. I was stunned, as this isn’t what I was implying at all.
I asked her why she had said that, and she broke down and admitted that Alex had been pressuring her to leave me for months now, saying she deserved better than someone like me. At this point I was done. I don’t need this kind of drama.
I told her to get out of my car and that we are done. She was crying and she begged me not to leave her, promised she’d cut Alex out of her life, promised that their relationship was nothing but friendship. I said I didn’t care, and I wanted no part in this anymore. Strangely, I didn’t really feel sad ending the relationship. I actually feel pretty numb.
Her attitude suddenly shifted. She hit my arm and told me I just didn’t understand, and that Alex was right, she should’ve left me sooner, etc… I just told her to get out of the car. She was still crying, and she slammed the door pretty hard and stormed off.
Now she’s texting me, apologising and promising we can work this out. I’ve had a couple of texts from mutual friends asking what happened, as my gf sent them texts calling me controlling and toxic. Why would she want to get back together with me if she’s telling our friends that? I put my phone on do not disturb, and am now writing this update.
I don’t feel sad right now, but maybe that’s because I’m in shock. I wrote this update for the people who gave me the courage to leave this relationship. Thank you for all your advice.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Share her text messages with your mutuals. Let them know she wants to get back with you and you do not understand why since you are so ‘toxic’ and ‘controlling’. And stay away from her. She has too many red flags.
messmer- (OP)
Thank you! I will be staying away from her, and as for my friends, I plan to show them this post and my girlfriend’s texts once I am in a better headspace. I don’t care what she tells her family or Alex about me, but I won’t let her try to manipulate my friends.
Hey man you set your boundaries and put your foot down and I'm proud of you for that! Alex is a chump and seems to be manipulating her for malicious reasons, unless she's lying about your relationship to Alex like she did to your mutual friends.
Suspicious behavior nonetheless, glad you're out of that situation. I hope you find what you deserve, dont lose yourself! remember, you are the embodiment of proof that the love you seek out there exists, don't give up on that.