'AITA for breaking up with my BF because his female BFF has demanded I don't attend certain events?'

"AITA for breaking up with my partner because his best friend has demanded I don't attend certain events?"

I (34F) met my partner (30M) a year ago and we instantly fell in love. I immediately clicked with his family, his friends and we fit so well into each other lives and it felt like a fairytale. And while I said I instantly clicked with all of his friends, there was one friend in particular I always felt disconnected from.

My partner and his best friend (30F) have been besties since high school. When we first started dating, I was excited to get to know her. She was important to him which immediately made it important for me to get to know her. But she always felt distant.

It started to feel like a real issue though, when she had emergency surgery. I sent her flowers and because they were ordered online, I got the email when they were delivered. It took her a week to communicate a thank you through my partner. No direct message. I convinced myself I was being paranoid.

During this time, my partner bought me ticket to a 3 day festival, that I had been dying to go to every year but never had people to go with. It's held twice a year and when the tix opened, he immediately bought me one. He goes with about 10-15 of his friends and I was excited to finally experience the festival with a bunch of people that had welcomed me into their crew.

Not long after, I went traveling overseas. He came for ten days of that trip and we had the best time. He then returned home to attend the second festival of the year. It was here that he told his friend that he had bought me a ticket to the next one. She blew up.

She was furious because I was going to take away from their "quality time together". Despite 10-15 of his closest friends there and they all camp together. She has always felt ostracized from this group and having me there would make her feel even worse.

I came home from my travels (unaware of the huge fight) and he asked me, or actually TOLD me, that I should bail so he can protect their "tradition" and they can work on their friendship. He said that she has a lot of personal issues going on and that me going to the festivals was just another thing on her plate. I was really hurt.

While I was sorry she was going through a tough time, her issues were not my problem. And I didn't think it was fair for me to sacrifice something because the two of them failed to communicate. But I could see how upset he was getting and he was struggling with what to do, so I offered a compromise:

I'd sit out the next festival (that he had bought me a ticket for) but I'd like to go to the one after. That gave them a full year to work on their friendship, I could give them all the time they needed to see each other more etc. And hopefully by then, her and I could work on building some kind of friendship eventually. My partner thanked me, said it was more than reasonable and took that to her. She snapped again.

She told him he didn't value their friendship, his priorities were in the wrong place and they fought for weeks. It eventually came to a head where they ended their friendship. He apologized for the whole ordeal and just wanted to move on. I asked him how he was feeling about ending their friendship, and he said "if anything, just relief".

I felt bad that this situation had escalated to this point and I knew there was going to be a mourning period. You can't get over a 20yr friendship over night. We had a good conversation where I said I was going to be there for him every step of the way, but that I was nervous that he would start to resent me for this and take it out on me. He assured me he wouldn't.

A few weeks later, we celebrated our first anniversary. He felt distant the whole time. To the point that he was getting short with me over the dumbest things, which was extremely out of character. I asked what was going on, and he confessed that he was having second thoughts and that he wanted to reach out to his friend.

I told him I wasn't stopping him from talking to her. BUT, if he backtracks on his decision to ban me from these festivals, then we'd have problems. He backtracked and called her immediately. He told me that if I ever come to these events, she would cut him off. If he asked her in a year or two, would she reconsider and he said no.

What if I get a ticket and camp with other people? Nope that would be weird. So really, I'm blacklisted from these events for the rest of our life. This situation had turned into so much more than just me not going to a silly festival anymore. Its now a toxic thing where I don't feel valued or considered in my relationship.

My partner has yo-yo'd back and forth. He now claims that the "tradition" is just as important to him, but if he really thought that, why did he buy the surprise ticket in the first place? It was her that blocked it and created this nightmare.

I'm now just a mess. I offered a compromise to a girl who doesn't deserved it, but I did it because I knew how important it was to my partner. I tried to be the adult and reason with them, but instead the person who chucked a tantrum and ultimatum has gotten her way.

They have their friendship back, their festivals back, I'm at home sobbing. I'm the collateral damage in their toxic friendship, and I can't ignore that he knows the state that it's putting me in and he still thinks it's worth it? He's letting her dictate what I can and cannot do.

Them ending their friendship is the best thing for everyone, but I know that won't happen. So I feel like what I need is to open up the compromise again. Because if not, it just tells me he's okay with me being a mess like this over and over again. It's not some big fight or situation that is going to fade over time. It's going to be a reoccurring event that I'm going to have to live with.

So I'm on here to ask, AITA for considering leaving him in this situation? Or am I being unreasonable and disrespectful to their friendship?

PS. To everyone whose assuming that she's in love with him. She's married, and has been with her partner for over a decade.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

davekayaus said:

She's demanding that he prioritize her over his partners, and he is complying. Whatever this relationship between them is, it is not simply 'friends'. You're better off away from this.

Dear_Parsnip_6802 said:

End it with him and go to the festival with friends. He chose her. He nor she can stop you going to the festival. Just do it and fuck the both of them.

Edit to add, she may be happily married but she doesn't want him to be happy. I'm wondering if he is secretly in love with her.

Corfiz74 said:

Sorry, but I'd break up with him, sad as it is. If he allows her to call the shots to this point, it feels like he won't ever prioritize you in the relationship. Imagine spending your married life with your partner going off to the festivals with her every year. Also in the pro-breakup column: He broke up with her, and started to resent you for it. If you break up with him now, he will start to resent her for losing you.

When you break up, point out to him that she will never allow him to have any healthy relationship with anyone except her, and that she's very likely in love with him, or at least unhealthily possessive - and unless he wants to spend his life controlled by her, he had better rethink his boundaries. Then walk away and let your words do the work for you.

soph_lurk_2018 said:

End your relationship. You will never come first with your partner. He is not treating you well.

lifeisjustlemons asked:

INFO: what do his other friends think?

Honestly I'd dump him this is just going to keep happening.

OP responded:

I've only confided in one of his friends in full. And he's dumbfounded and upset for me. He just wants to slap some sense into my bf because he can't see he's being manipulated.

When asked about her BF's relationship with his BFF, OP wrote:

I have asked and he claims it has only ever been platonic and there has never been words or actions to imply otherwise.

Also regarding her husband - I asked about him and he has shared a few times that he has wanted to come to the festivals but she has always said no.