'AITA for considering a breakup after boyfriend bailed on being my surgery ride?'
"AITA for considering a breakup after boyfriend bailed on being my surgery ride?"
I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (39M) for about a year and a half. He’s kind, social, and really busy. Early on he told me he’s “bad at planning,” which I accepted. In reality, it meant I adapted to him. Our time together was usually “probably Friday” or “maybe Sunday,” and I’d wait until the day of to know if we were actually seeing each other.
Over time, I’ve noticed I was basically the only flexible part of his life. He never misses poker night, gym class, or frequent family dinners. Those are always set, but with me, plans stay loose.
I stopped pushing and just opted to keep my schedule open, telling myself that if I wanted to see him, this was how it worked. There have been some occasions where plans were kept. We’ve been on two vacations, for instance, but when it comes to more routine life, this is the pattern I’ve noticed.
It does bother me, but in the end, he is available and we see each other pretty frequently. And when we do see each other, he is focused and attentive. I guess that's why I put up with it. It felt like a planning issue not really a priorities issues, or a quality time issue.
But last week, something changed in me. I had a medical procedure scheduled one morning, a minor surgery but I did go under, and I couldn’t drive afterward (or take a ride share; bc the hospital won’t let you).
He had told me earlier in the week that he’d be free and would take me. That morning, he texted saying he’d forgotten and had already committed to helping a friend move. He suggested I take an Uber and said we’d “make it up another time.” (??)
I explained that I couldn’t and that this was surgery and I’d really like to not have to worry about this at 6:30AM day of. He caved but was standoffish when he picked me up which obviously was not great after being intubated.
Last night, I told him how bothered I was, he said I was being unfair because I know how he is with planning and that I hadn’t really stressed the importance of this. To be fair, I don’t think I had mentioned the uber thing to him prior.
But, through the conversation, it just seemed to me that this was nothing to do with the details. I just wasn’t being prioritized. I realized I’ve been enabling this by staying vague, available, and accepting scraps because it felt easier than asking for more.
I told him I don’t want to continue like this and that this affected my ability to trust him in a serious situation. He says I’m overreacting and punishing him for a one-time mistake that is partly on me. Some friends say I trained him to treat me this way and I should try to salvage. I feel done. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You are a low priority for him and either need to be fine with that or kick him to the curb.
OP please listen to this person. He’s not bad at planning. He’s perfectly capable of planning dinners with his family, going to the gym, etc.. Your disposable to him. Your convenient if you were around, but you are very low on his priority list. I think you’ve been with him long enough that you seemed to understand it and yet you are continuing to accept it.
He is showing you time and again that you aren’t high on the list of people he cares enough about to actually show up and keep plans. And I don’t mean to be unkind, but why should he feel you are a priority when you accept him treating you like crap?
You say in this that you are sitting around waiting for him on a Friday or Sunday too see if he wants to get together? You seem like a lovely person. You’re acting like a doormat. He’s taking advantage of you because you’re allowing it to happen. You deserve so much better.
10 year age gap and doesn't prioritize you when you're literally in the freaking hospital. Don't be stupid babe.
Ew I didn’t even check the ages. 40 year old man acting like he’s fresh into his adulting life of planning and prioritizing. That’s bs and you know it OP, believe his actions over his words.
Even if the logic of “you trained him to treat you this way” made any sense, it’s easier to start a new relationship with someone who has respect for you and can’t be trained into deprioritizing you than staying with someone who doesn’t care about you.
You maybe allowed yourself to be treated like an afterthought but that’s only because he felt that way and started doing it first. any person who holds themselves to a standard in their relationship cannot be “taught” to deprioritize their partner. This man has shown you time and again how little you matter to him. Good on you for knowing your worth and leaving.
Exactly this. If we had to stay exactly as we were in our 20s we'd all be screwed. You are allowed to grow and change op. You are allowed to stop tolerating this BS. Just because you allowed something doesn't mean it has to continue. Go get yourself a real man who wants to dote on his woman.
You know what the right thing to do is, just do it and get it over with. He's a selfish jerk. It's possible that you are number 2 or 3 on his Booty Call List and that's why he's "so bad at scheduling" - he's already got plans with BC#1 and fits you in when she's not available. Sounds like you know your worth, even if you've temporarily forgotten it. Reclaim it by dumping him ASAP. Hope your surgery went well.
NTA. He's just not that into you. You are not a priority. You never will be. If feeling second best is what you want, then staying with him is fine. But if you actually want to feel like you matter and that you are someone's first pick, it won't happen with him, so you should absolutely move on. You definitely deserve to be a priority, not an afterthought.
I couldn’t stand a partner like this. My time is just as valuable as anyone else’s. I’m shocked you were able to put up with him so long and I’m curious if you possibly have some low self esteem issues that might need attention? Sorry if that’s off base, I just can’t imagine any other reason someone would accept such poor treatment from a partner.