Bride bans Best Man from wedding after what he did at her birthday, 'the table went DEAD SILENT.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for telling my fiancé I don’t want his Best Man coming to our wedding after what he did at my birthday dinner?"

So I'm (29F) and my fiancé (31M) and we have been together for 4 years. We are planning our wedding for later this year which has been going great except for one person. His best friend Kyle.

Kyle is one of those dudes who peaked in high school and is so insufferable. He is always making unnecessary jokes that seem like insults tbh. But my fiancé says he’s just goofy and immature and so I’ve tried to keep my peace.

Anyway my birthday was two weeks ago. Nothing big happened just a dinner at a nice restaurant with close friends and family. Near the end of it someone mentioned the wedding and how everything was going and my fiancé answered and said we were writing our own vows. I said I was nervous but excited.

Then Kyle said loudly. I think everyone present in the restaurant heard it that's how loud he was “Just don’t cry halfway through your vows like you did during your breakup remember that?" The table went dead silent.

In the moment I laughed it off cause I didn't want to create a scene there. But I was humiliated. My dad was present there and my fiancé was aware of that breakup it was abusive and traumatic. I later told him how hurt I was and he said Kyle was just being Kyle and you know how he is babe.

So I sat on it for a few days even though I was hurt. But then finally I told him I don’t want Kyle at the wedding. Not at the rehearsal. Not giving a speech nothing. Nowhere I just don't want him there.

Now my fiancé is saying I’m overreacting. That Kyle was just trying to be funny and kicking him off the list would destroy our 15 years of friendship. But honestly If Kyle can not respect me then why should I allow him to stand next to the man I’m marrying. So AITA for refusing to have Kyle at the wedding after all this?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

angeleeternelle said:

NTA. I hate when people like this get away with their terrible behavior because their closest people say "oh, that's just how they are!" as if you have to tolerate the disrespect because they don't know any better. He can't respect you at dinner in a restaurant, he won't respect you at your wedding. I'd be afraid he does something HE thinks is funny which would ruin it.

Perfect-Quarter8237 said:

Best believe Kyle WILL ruin your wedding. He's a good old fashioned attention ho who gets off of being obnoxious.

knits2much2003 said:

NTA, but what are you going to do if your fiancé draws a line in the sand? You have to be willing to cancel the whole wedding otherwise your fiancé will have no respect for your boundaries going forward.

Cookiecloudz said:

NTA – If Kyle’s humor peaked in high school, maybe he should stay there and not crash a grown-up wedding. Vows aren’t roast battles, and being “just Kyle” isn’t a hall pass for disrespect.

Electrical-Engine-99 said:

NTA. But if your fiancé wants Kyle in the wedding, he needs to take him aside and tell him to straighten up for the wedding, and keep his mouth shut. After that, I would tell your then husband that he can hang out with Kyle, and keep him as a friend, but you won't be joining them when they are together.

Mapilean said:

NTA. Fiancé's been enabling Kyle's lame behavior to your detriment. YOU wouldn't let a friend of yours be so disrespectful to him, why does he let a friend of his to treat you like this? And why on earth does he want to keep being friends with such a jerk?

The very least thing he should do is talk to Kyle, demand a public apology to you (just as he publicly humiliated you) and tell him that if he keeps behaving like this he's out of the wedding and your lives.

This is a great opportunity for your fiancé to show you he has your back. If he doesn't, then you have a bigger problem than Kyle: you have a SO problem, someone who will not stand up to defend you when needed. Big hugs.

UPDATE:

Hey everyone thank you for the overwhelming support and comments on my original post. I didn’t expect it to blow up but reading the responses honestly gave me a lot of clarity and strength.

So 2 days after I posted my original post I sat down with my fiance again to clear the air. I told him calmly that I wasn’t changing my mind about Kyle. That it wasn’t just about one joke it was about the fact that Kyle has never shown me respect. And then my fiance understood we had a bigger issue. He got quiet and listened to me and for the first time I think it really hit him how serious everything was.

A day later kyle texted me something along the lines “sorry if you were sensitive about the joke the other night wasn’t trying to ruin your birthday lol” I showed that to my fiance and he just sighed and said That’s just how he talks. So I said maybe then kyle can talk like that from his home because he’s not coming to our wedding.

And now here’s the best part My fiance agreed. He wasn't too happy about it but he said if it really makes me uncomfortable then Kyle won’t be there. He told that to kyle and he threw a whole fit about it.

Of course as usual called me controlling. And then kyle’s girlfriend texted me yesterday “I’m honestly glad he’s not going because he’s been a nightmare about your wedding ever since you got engaged."

So yeah this exact thing made me realize what i did was absolutely the right thing to do and I dogged a bullet. Now about the wedding it's still on. Just with one less toxic guest on the list. Thank you all for giving me the push I needed to stand my ground.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

Tattyhead_xx said:

His girlfriend’s response sums up perfectly why you didn’t want him there. You have definitely dodged a bullet. He didn’t even apologize and blamed it on you for being “sensitive." I’m glad your fiancé has your back. I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

SeraphinaDusks said:

"Sorry if you were sensitive" is the most "I’m not actually sorry" apology ever. Kyle gave himself the boot, you just held the door open. Congrats on the upgrade to a peaceful wedding.

Turbulent-Tomato said:

I’m really proud of you for standing your ground and protecting your peace. It’s so easy to second-guess yourself in situations like this, but you clearly made the right call, especially with Kyle’s girlfriend low-key confirming he’s been a problem.

That said, I do hope she knows she doesn’t have to put up with that kind of behavior and deserves better. Then again, I don't know her, maybe they’re two peas in a pod and deserve each other, who knows?

Either way, I hope your fiancé truly reflects on this and stops being a doormat for someone who clearly doesn’t respect either of you. Allowing someone to constantly disrespect the person you’re going to marry isn’t just “how he talks,” it’s a reflection of his poor boundaries and priorities.

But at the end of the day, you’re marrying him, not us, so I genuinely hope it’s worth it for you and that he continues choosing you moving forward in your marriage. Wishing you a beautiful, drama-free wedding filled with people who actually uplift you!

TicoSoon said:

I'm really curious about what Kyle's gf said. What has he been doing or saying? What kind of insufferable? (There's OMG I'M SO EXCITED AND I CAN'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE kind and then there's Ugh she is stealing my best mate kind.)

Why is his gf with him if she's seeing all of this? But I digress. Kudos to you for standing your ground and having the tough conversation with your fiancé. And I'm really glad the lightbulb went on for him such that he agreed with you, even though it was hard.

KillerQueeh_Slash said:

The girlfriend’s message is proofs your point that he has malice intentions. I want to say I’m glad your fiancé came around but he’s still being dismissive about Kyle & his behavior by still saying “that’s how he is or that’s how he talks."

He’s still not seeing the disrespect that Kyle has done towards you, he lets you handle Kyle when it should be him to handle him and just seemed slightly resistant on not having Kyle there but accepting it.

Your fiancé really needs to reflect on this and realize that he’s been a doormat for someone that doesn’t respect either of you that this “friend” isn’t worth it to keep around anymore after the constant disrespect towards you both. Congrats on the drama-free wedding but make sure you hire security to make sure Kyle doesn’t enter.

safbutcho said:

Not convinced you “dodged a bullet” yet. You’re thinking about one day still. What about after that? You’re marrying a man who has turned a blind eye and now begrudgingly uninvited him. But this guy will still be in your husbands life. Therefore your life. I hope you have considered the next years, decades. Good luck.

Left-Art-1045 said:

Lady, you still have a problem, Kyle is still your fiance's friend. I'd be concerned that he will cause problems in your marriage. I've shared a saying I learned from my high school football coach with my kids and students that goes something like this, "show me who your friends and family are, and I'll show you who you are." Your fiance certainly is a version of who Kyle is. Good luck with this.