Bride bans fiancé’s ex from wedding, 'my MIL said I’m insecure.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
"AITA for not inviting my fiancé’s ex to our wedding?"
I (F, 26) have been with Henry (M, 36 almost 37) for 5 years. We are engaged and currently planning our wedding. A little background: Henry is the youngest child, and his mother really wanted a girl.
Because of this, Henry grew up feeling despised by his mom, who openly says hurtful things like how he was a disappointment from the start or how she never got the daughter she wanted. Despite this, instead of going no-contact with her, Henry has been trying very hard to win her love.
Henry had a long-term ex (F, 32) who is very close with his mother. She became the daughter his mother always wanted. However, this ex cheated on him with a coworker and left him.
After two years, Henry and I met. Eventually, the ex wanted to get back together with him, but he said no and blocked her. Despite this, she and his mother remain best friends. His mother still invites her to family functions, and my fiancé and I just ignore her.
His mother doesn’t like me and believes I’m the reason she can’t have her preferred daughter-in-law. My fiancé has explained many times that he would rather stay single forever than get back with his ex. So, even if I didn’t exist, he wouldn’t be with her.
Yesterday, my MIL asked how many guests she could invite to our wedding. I told her that since my parents could invite 8-10 people, she could do the same. She thanked me, but an hour later, she smiled and said, "Well, we have one 'yes' already," referring to my fiancé's ex.
I told her that was very inappropriate since we aren’t even friends with her. She responded by saying that it’s her guest list and none of my business. Then she said I’m insecure because the ex is "the whole package" and that I’m just a rebound girl.
Henry told his mom to stop and asked her to leave. Once she left, he asked if I could be the bigger person and let her have this, as he really wants his mom to be at the wedding.
He suggested that if inviting his ex would keep his mom quiet, we should just ignore her. Am I the ahole for not wanting her there? P.S: We are mostly paying for the wedding ourselves, with some help from my dad. MIL hasn’t contributed.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
No-Consequence3985 said:
NTA. Your fiance is a big a$%. If you marry him, this will be your future, unless he grows a set. You will be third, after his mom and the ex. Is this how you want to live?
Hmm-1996 said:
NTA this is the hill to die on. Uninvite mil or she will ruin your wedding one way or another. She doesn't support your marriage and doesn't like you so why should she be there.
She's made it clear where she stands and it's not your corner. Sit your partner down and have a proper conversation before she gets to ruin your wedding. For all you know they could be planning to object.
Shichimi88 said:
NTA. You have a fiancé problem. Uninvite the MIL or don’t get married.
AstronautNo920 said:
NTA. Don’t marry him, your future is doomed.
ninatlanta said:
I say invite the ex and at the reception make a speech about how thankful you are that ex is a lying cheating worthless woman not worthy of the love of your special Henry, and you are thankful every day that she couldn’t keep her legs shut. NTA.
Conscious-Safety376 said:
NTA. Stand your ground and demand that you and him need marriage counseling or you leave him saying or trying to normalize it it’s a good sign don’t let this slide resentment will brew.
UPDATE:
I had a calm talk with Henry and explained how I feel disrespected by his mom’s words and actions. While I can’t control who she associates with, it is very disrespectful that she invites your ex to all the gatherings, and that the two of them constantly pick on me.
Henry acknowledged this, but said that's just how his mom is. I told him that it's best we cancel the wedding at this point because I want our wedding day to be a happy, memorable occasion, not one filled with drama and stress. I added that his mom is going to ruin this day, and that he’s just going to accept it as usual, which I can't tolerate.
I told him I won’t marry him until he sets some boundaries with his mother. This situation is ridiculous. Henry went on about how he can’t cut his mom out of his life because she sacrificed so much raising him and his brother as a single mom.
But he admitted he doesn't know how to handle her either. I told him I can’t make that decision for him, but I’m going no contact with his mom. I suggested that maybe therapy could help him realize how abusive and toxic his relationship with his family is and help him decide what to do with his life.
I also said I won't attend any more gatherings. He went quiet for a while. Then, he called his mom (on speakerphone) to tell her that the wedding was canceled. She went on and on, saying he finally did the right thing by “dumping that whiny b,” calling me insecure and controlling, and saying it was a miserable relationship. Henry kept interrupting her, saying, “Mom! Stop.”
But she didn’t care. In the end, he told her, “Mom, we are not breaking up! She’s here and heard everything. She canceled it, not me, because you kept disrespecting her.”
His mom screamed, "That manipulative little b set me up!" and started ranting again. Henry then told her that he needs some time to think, and it’s best if she gives him some space, then hung up. We’ve barely talked since. He’s spending today helping his brother with some renovations, and I’m home alone. Hopefully, my next update will be less depressing.
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
ZaharielNemiel said:
Thank you for keeping us updated and for standing your ground. I hope he and his brother have so good bonding time to thrash this out and realise the truth of their relationships with their mother so he can come back to you with renewed commitment and passion for the relationship.
KurosakiOnepiece said:
Yeah your life will be miserable if you stay with him, he’s 36yrs old and don’t have the spine to stand up to his mother…tragic.
kattydarling said:
NTA—You took a necessary stand for your own well-being and the respect you deserve, and it’s up to Henry to decide how to address his family dynamics.
arodomus said:
Disgusting woman. I'm glad you stood up for yourself and refuse to marry him until he addresses these issues. Good for you and brilliant.
Maleficent-Leek2943 said:
All that “be the bigger person (and give my mom what she wants“ and “that’s just how she is“ stuff does not bode AT ALL well for the future.
No_Sound_1149 said:
Good thing. He can go "help with renos" which gives the bros time to talk away from mother and partners. Let them have their bro time to compare notes. You remain his respectful partner. Mom has outed herself and done it in spectacular fashion.
FINAL UPDATE:
It’s 6 a.m., and I’ve been crying all night. Sorry for any typos—he broke up with me. He ignored all my texts yesterday, and it was late when I finally texted his brother to ask if he was okay.
His brother said, “Yeah, he left two hours ago to give his ex a ride and then come home.” I asked, “His ex was there?” but he didn’t reply. When he finally came home, he told me to sit down because we needed to talk. He said, “I’ve thought about our situation, and I think we should end it.”
He said today, I hung out with my family, and even his mom and ex came over. They all told me that by me going no contact with his mom, it was going to be so awkward and that they’d be stuck in the middle. He said, “When you weren’t there today, I enjoyed my time with my family.
There was no tension, and I didn’t have to worry about you being upset.” I asked him, “Why did it take you two hours to drop off your ex? Did you sleep with her?” He told me I was being ridiculous and that he was just talking to her. He accused me of being controlling and insecure and said I’m isolating him from his friends and family.
I asked him again, “So nothing happened?” He danced around it, but eventually admitted, “We fooled around, but that’s it.” I told him I couldn’t believe what a pathetic, weak man he is—letting his mom convince him to ruin everything, and next he’s hooking up from his cheating ex. We ended up arguing, and he went to sleep. I cried all night. Today, I’m going to call my dad and ask if I can stay with him.